Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Sounds of Silence

I just took a little time to sit back and just listen. See where that gets me.

Very interesting what is said and heard through the quiet.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Depressing Insights....

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips

And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Procedure

Just following the rules. Going by the book. Doing as you're told.

Where's the fun in that?

You know, I've never been one for doing things the way someone else or society tells you to do it. That only you yourself can decide how to live. How to react. How to be.

It amazes me how much of some people's lives are consumed by some sort of order. Due to someone else imposing rules on them.

And these rules dictate everything.

From whom they date. Whom they are friends with. What job they have. What clothes they wear. Probably even when they should sleep and how much.

Why can't we all just do what we feel? Just act on emotion. Instead of wandering around like fools, slaves to a book instead of what should be driving us.....

Almost sad.

But I guess that's how it goes. We as people have to follow the rules.

Rules that someone else made up.

I say, less of by the book. More fun. I bet people would enjoy life.

Instead of forgetting to live it.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Feel Like I'm Dreaming

I thought sleepwalking was something a person made up to explain away odd behavior. Turns out, it exists.

At least, that's how I have envisioned myself getting anything accomplished in the past few days. In my sleep.

Even since returning to the city, I haven't been able to have one peaceful night. The dreams have returned. So too has that overwhelming feeling of dread as I drift off to sleep.

It's like this place has a hold on me. Maybe it's some feeling of guilt. Perhaps because I'm not doing what I'm meant for. But then again, maybe I am and don't want it.

But you can't change destiny. Or fate. Or your purpose in life. Whatever you want to call it.

It was meant for you. Maybe as a punishment, but it's yours.

I just hope I can find some comfort in knowing that I haven't been running into any familiar faces. At least...

not yet.....

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Natural Reaction

I was asked about reflecting on vacation.

That was the purpose in being alone.

Sitting on a beach at sunset. Gazing out at the clear ocean....Seeing the sun slowly sink....And marveling at the wonder that is this world. And thinking about everything that's happened in my life.

I would like to think I'm a bit different now than I was a few years ago. I think I've learned to let many things go. Get them out. Free myself from their shackles.

Most of what I did to hurt Bobby was just reacting. He tried to destroy this careful lie that I had built for myself. And made me hear the truth that I was still hiding from in that lie. And that was something I wasn't ready for.

So, when I decided to get his attention a second time. I wanted to make his life a living nightmare. And I did just that. At the time, I found it to be most amusing. Even coming up to him that restaurant.....Made it all worth while.

But, I will tell you. That was mere chance that he was there. But he already knew by then. I could see it.

I do feel sorry for doing that to him. I was still very much at war with my own emotions. I felt connected to him.....But I didn't understand how just yet. But I wanted to make sure that I kept my distance.

"You blew it Nicole! Your one chance for happiness. And you had to come back to me. That's the price of denial."

And yet another battle of words. And for the second that we stopped hurling missiles at each other...And I was inches from him....I knew what connected me to him. It was too late. I knew.

A part of me was comforted by the fact that there was one person that I didn't feel rage for....But now came the hard part. Not letting him catch onto it.

I covered well for a long time. But eventually, you just can't deny it.

The price of denial- Always moving in the same circle. Never moving forward.

The price of love- Worth any and all the suffering in the world.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Even God Took A Vacation

What a difference a week can make. Nothing but sun, sand, and surf as far as the eye can see. And I feel more like. Myself. For the first time in ages.

I decided to take off and leave without telling a soul. Just to clear my head. Get it back on straight. I didn't take anyone. And I didn't meet anyone. Not that there was a shortage. I just decided that I should enjoy my solitude. Something I've tried to avoid...

And I found that being alone was the answer. I could finally think. I wasn't consumed by pleasing anyone but myself. I didn't have to check in....I felt free.

And I could sleep too. Wonderful, sleep-filled nights. And....No dreams about Bobby.

Not that I didn't think of him from time to time. But it was more like, that perhaps he needed a change of scenery to give him perspective as well.

After this time of reflection, I've learned that he will always be the man I love. There's nothing that will change that. No matter what that means. And that, it wouldn't be fair to anyone else to fall in love with me....Because I wouldn't be able to give them all of myself.

I would still habor feelings for him.

If that means being alone forever, so be it. It's worth it. I feel safe in knowing that my heart, to some extent is happy.

Now, I'm not saying that if I could find someone that I could love more than him...That I wouldn't give it a go. But, unless my heart grows larger.....

How does that go...Born with a heart, two sizes to small....

Terrible affliction I have. But I've learned to live with it.

Live.....And that's what I will always do.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

.....

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going and I don't now why,
but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been when love was wilder than the wind.