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Monday, October 31, 2005

Every time....

I did it again. I was out walking....And saw him across the street. Walking down the sidewalk. Now, mind you, I went out of my way to not be seen. But I just couldn't stop myself from looking at him; watching him.

But this time I did something new....I crossed. And followed him.....Not close, but I could smell his cologne. I thought how terrible he must feel, knowing he's going home to an empty apartment....An empty bed. And how much I understood that feeling.

I enjoyed the walk. Watching him avoid the other people; swimming through the sea of anonymity that is New York.

There was once, he stopped. I saw him start to turn....So, I ducked behind a building. He seemed almost disappointed. Like he was expecting to see someone....Something.

But he turned back forward and continued on.

And I continued my pursuit. I stayed in shadow once he reached his building. I watched him go inside. Then I waited until I saw the light on in his apartment. I guess I just wanted to see that he was home.

Part of me was glad he didn't see me. But in that moment where he turned, I could have stood there. I could have let him see me behind him. But....I didn't. I couldn't.

I know for sure that he knew someone was following him. He's a police officer for God's sake. He knows when there's someone behind him. I wonder...If he knew it was me.

Maybe he did. Maybe not.....But he's a bright boy. He'll figure that out.

I wonder if he dreamed about me.....I can't stop dreaming about him. His voice haunts me. And in my most peaceful dream like states, I could swear I feel his warm skin caress mine.

How I wish that could be my reality.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Passion

Passion. One of my favorite words in the English language. It's often confused with love...But I think passion is different. It's an element of love.

Of course, I also believe the the definition changes from person to person......

For me passion is a unquenchable desire for something or someone. You either have it or you don't. It's strong and undeniable. And once you've felt it; you'll never want to let it go.

Often the word passion is used in the lovely phrase we made hot passionate love. Why is it always said that way?

I just always have the snag on the passionate part.

There would have to be a yearning...Perhaps these lovers have never experienced each other before...Perhaps they're just new to their feelings for each other. When they finally decide to express their love on a physical level....That would define hot passionate love, to me at least.

Never had it. Just been nameless, faceless, joyless....Just numb. And yet, there's still that bleak realization that the only person I could ever feel anything close to love/passion/unconditional surrender with....I could most likely never posses.

How dreadful. Love. Passion. It can really mix up your thinking....

Why can't it be easier....My cat shows me she loves me by bringing me dead mice....Right in front of my door, so it will grab my attention.

Hmm, maybe Naomi has the right idea......

Normal

Here it is....Early in the morning. Sleep will always have it with itself never to find me. But, I suppose I deserve some of that.

Nightmares. Most people stop having them after they enter adulthood. If they continue to have them, it's mostly from extremely traumatic situations. Details about the event race through their mind....Almost like they were there all over again. Sights, sounds.....All like it was.

I'm haunted by such things....But tonight's torture...Different, to say the least.

It started out nicely....Bobby and I strolling through Central Park....It was fall, the leaves were turning. We were smiling, laughing, and watching children chase the falling leaves. I could feel the joy....And then, reality crept into my mind....

"A normal life is not for you Nicole. " I heard those words as clear as the day he spoke them to me. And could still feel the heartache.....

Then....I don't know...Just flashes really. Faces, places....Some familiar, some not....

Next thing I know, I curled up on my bed crying hysterically.

It was that conversation....Before I made sure that Gwen would be safe....That conversation with him did something to me....

Did the great Detective Goren make the evil Nicole Wallace admit who she really is? Hardly.....

Detective Goren is just some wall. Impartial....Cold...Professional. But Bobby on the other hand....

Bobby can get through to me. I don't know how...Or I would have stopped him. Bobby makes everything real. Just by speaking the words; it's reality.

This kind of power of a person. Shows a deep connection. One that can't be broken. This person becomes that voice....Telling you the truth...And I can't help but wonder....

Am I that voice for him?


Thursday, October 27, 2005

I'm Just a Girl

Why do we teach girls that they are less because of their gender? Now, most say this doesn't happened anymore....But I've seen it.

I like to watch people interact. To see real relationships...Perhaps I'm just wallowing in self pity, but that's neither here nor there....

I saw this girl, probably about ten or so, she was playing with a boy about her age. She had a toy car in her hands. He wanted it...So he told her to give it to him. When she said no, he told her that she was a girl and that she had to do what he said.

The child handed over the toy without a second thought. Now, I wonder. What will she be like when she grows up? How will she interact....

Will she take a stand for what she believes in or will she just bow to the thoughts of every man in her life? Will she be a victim of abuse because she doesn't want to upset a man? Will she be disappointed with her life because she knows she's worth more?

We need to teach our girls to be strong. No matter what anyone thinks; just do what you think you should. Don't be an object. Be desired for your intellect not just your body. Be yourself...Not some image of what society thinks you should be.

Or maybe it's not the girls....What about our boys? We teach them, "boys don't cry" and be a man; be strong; be in charge. Why?

Why can't a man just be a tad submissive? Every now and again. Why don't boys cry? Everyone feels pain, despair...There are times when there is nothing left to do other than cry. Teach them to cage their emotions because that's not what a "man" is.

They are forced to have this facade of strength when inside....Do most of them want to cry....Scream that they have to pretend to be emotionally dead?

I admire any man that can express his emotions. Whether it be in word, in deed, or any other form of expression. I think a real man is defined on what he thinks and feels...Not what he lacks feeling.

It's not wonder society is the way it is....Which sometimes leaves little hope for our future.....Makes me really miss my daughter, more than I already do.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

His Answer...in case you missed it

Dear Nicole,

I've gone in circles in my own head trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. Finally, I've come to realize that what needs to come out will once I lift the lid on Pandora's Box. Lifting that lid, it's something that I need to do for my own sake.

I appreciate the things that you said and the nerve that it had to take to be able to say them. Loving someone is not a sign of weakness. How could it be when we cannot ever pick and choose those that we love. Those feelings, they either exist or they don't. If we had a choice our hearts would never hurt because we wouldn't allow it to happen.

I do love you Nicole, not because I want to but because it just exists. Remember when you said that Gwen couldn't love you if there was nothing good, nothing worth loving? Well, you were right. You are bright, charming, funny, beautiful...But you lost your way a long time ago. Or never really found it in the first place.

I wish that I had met you 20 years ago. Before you chose your life's path. I know better than to think I'd have changed you, but I can't help but to wonder if maybe you would have. Maybe if you got what you really needed the good in you would have won out over the evil. Evil is in all of us Nicole. Most of us learn not to physically respond to it. I wonder if you could have somehow controlled yours as well.

I know that you survived horrible abuse and Nicole you got through it with your sanity intact. What happened after that to make you finally fully break? Who convinced you that every single thing your father ever told you was the truth?

I do envision you as a sparkling little girl and I so wish that someone, anyone had reinforced that when you were a child. You said that all you've ever wanted was to be loved unconditionally- to have a family that needs you. You could have had all of that Nicole with probably any man you wanted. I would have given you everything I had, willingly. Your childhood wouldn't have scared me away. If anything I understand the fear and self loathing you grew up with. I would have loved and supported you completely. But now, far too much damage has been done.

Part of me is angry with you for blowing it. Surviving so much only to self destruct anyway. How could you hang on only to give up?

Remorse. I didn't believe you were capable of feeling any until recently. I'd convinced myself that you have no conscience whatsoever and then you threw me a curve ball. You knew you'd hurt Gwen so you let her go. The one person in this world that you know loves you, you let her go for her own good. Your conscience, it does exist and that means you must feel remorse. How do you sleep at night Nicole?

How?

An answer. That was all that you wanted and so here it is. Hopefully my own truths will free me as well.

More than you could ever imagine.

....Pandora's Box

I knew it. I knew he loved me! Even after all we've been through....After all I've done...Bobby loves me. Not even because he chose to....Because it exists. I like that logic Bobby....That love just merely exists. Beautiful.

But first....A few comments on this response......

" You are bright, charming, funny, beautiful." Thank you Bobby....You are without a doubt the brightest man I know. Your charm is only overshadowed by your looks. And I think we share a similar sense of humor. Oddly enough.

"I would have given you everything I had, willingly. Your childhood wouldn't have scared me away. If anything I understand the fear and self loathing you grew up with. I would have loved and supported you completely." Ironically enough, these are words I've waited to hear my whole adult life. And the one person I get them from is my enemy.

It's sad to see you so miserable over your childhood as well. You deserved much more than what you had. And anytime I had exposed it to you was just to make sure that you understood where I was coming from. I've known from that first chat we had that you knew exactly where that place was.

I told you one answer. That I don't sleep at night. I haven't slept for more than two hours at a time since.....That's funny, I really can't remember when that was.

But...It's my serve.....

"What happened after that to make you finally fully break? Who convinced you that every single thing your father ever told you was the truth? "

I was dating this wonderful boy. He was tall, very charming....Extremely intelligent...Sounds pretty familiar doesn't it? Any how, while we were together....What's the proper way to say this....I valued the sanctity of marriage. So, I refused to do anything of that natural with him, unless we were married.

Apparently, he took quite the offense to that. So, he would....Hit me until I was close to losing consciousness, and far to weak to fight back, and then....He. Took advantage of me. I put up with that for almost a year....The last time,he nearly killed me ....So, I got him before he got to me.

I decided from there on out....I wasn't going to let anyone hurt me again. Ever. It wasn't about proving Daddy right, Bobby. It was about proving him wrong. That he was wrong about me being "nothing but a toy to be used up and throw out" and definitely wrong about my weakness.

I hope that sheds a little light on one of my shadows......perhaps another answer next time I feel like talking about it.

Until then, my love, you'll just have to wait and watch....





There's A First Time for Everything

Last evening I did something I've never done before. I went out on the town and came home alone.

No tag along.....No play time for the night. Just alone. Because I wanted to.

It surely wasn't for lack of offers that's for sure...I just. Didn't feel like it.

And when I woke up this morning, I felt. Almost normal. Like I could do anything I wanted.

A weight was lifted off of my shoulders....And I'm free to be me, whoever I choose that to be. Who knew one letter could make a person feel so wonderful? I suggest anyone who has felt like I did....Write. Pour your heart out....No matter the consequence. It's worth it. It's like I'm a whole new person....

.....Almost. There are several parts to myself that I like. And would never change for anyone. For example, I like to sit down every night with a good book and a nice vodka martini. Anyone who doesn't like that can be dammed.

It's very relaxing. I think everyone should have something to help them unwind....or someone.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Laughter is the worst medicine

I've been reading what each of you has to say....

Not only to me. But to him.

I deserve neither his time nor affection, but I need an answer.

One way or another, that's what I need. And it's amazing that every is telling him to ignore it....Write it, don't send it....... She's not worth the time.

That's lovely. But my dears, if there's one thing we've learned over time it's that Bobby can't ignore me. Ever.

I don't throw my affections lightly. Since most of the time love is the one emotion that remains out of my grasp. But once I felt it, I knew. I knew that I ad to tell him. I owed him that much. The cold and harsh truth of a love that I can never hold in arms at night....

A love that I can never taste the sweet kiss of. That will never brush the hair from my cheek when the wind blows.

Even if he feels anything for me, it would never be normal. We couldn't be a couple. I realize that. We don't exactly send birthday cards to each other.

But if there's one thing I'm used to...It's pain. And this could be far more painful than even I could imagine.

Monday, October 24, 2005

So Impersonal

What is the proper way to get someone's attentions?

Do you call them....Well, that can be perceived as something else if you're not careful. And plus, they could always hang up if they don't like what they hear. Or just let the machine get it.

Do you write them a letter....Sure fire way to get it all out in the open. But what if the post office loses it....Or the mail man is just drops it and it gets lost forever? Then you've accomplished nothing.

That leaves email as a non face to face way of telling someone what you think. On the plus side, it's basically instant. But on the negative, it just so...Well, it's hard enough to pour out your soul without the threat of typos and boring them to death with long paragraphs.

And what do you put in the subject line....PLEASE DON'T DELETE. READ....?

It was so much easier when you could just pin a note to their lockers wasn't it? And watch them read it.

Lord, suddenly I'm fourteen all over again.....wonderful.

I'm a grown woman.....why can't I do this.....it's just a question.

That could shape the rest of my life depending on what he would say.

Maybe......we'll see.

Fleeting Glances

I saw him this morning, but I know for certain he didn't see me. But just that glimpse made it all worth while.

I feel like I can breathe again. Like I'm whole. But why?

This man has no other intention than to lock me up and throw away the key....And not in that naughty little slave way either. I wouldn't want to run so fast if that were the case.

One question turns over and over in my mind....."Does he love me?".....Because the pain of not knowing just worse than the potential rejection. At least I would know something. Instead of guessing.

This man knows all my darkest secrets. And yet, he still seems to want to know more. He could just as easily shut me out and take me at face value but he digs deeper into my every word, every action, every breath.

The glimpse today.....I fought back the urge to run up to him, turn him to face me and kiss him like it was my last moment on Earth, just to let him know.

And that's just it isn't it. He'll never know if I don't tell him. Oh but how....

"My dearest Bobby....I know I don't deserve your time but...."

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Just another day....Sort of

You know, I tried. I tried to just be myself. Go out....Have a good time. A few drinks. Meet someone...Make an evening of it. Not a big event in my life. I mean, it's obviously not the first time I've done this....But this time....

For the first time, I realized....I felt nothing......Dead inside

"An exercise in self loathing...."

The truth. Plain.

But so what right? So I hate myself. Get on board with the rest right?

I hurried out of this man's apartment (I didn't even catch his name. Figures) and returned home; to the safety of the darkness and my own mind. And I was feeling down so I put in Moulin Rouge (tragic, I love it) and then it hit me....

"The greatest thing you'll ever lean is to love....And be loved in return."

These truths I discover on a daily basis; out of nowhere....Like flipping though the radio stations and catching a song that speaks to your situation. Like the cosmos reaching out and giving you the answer.

I'm an evil, manipulative wench with a deceiving smile....And I'm in....A whole lot of trouble.

Just bloody well I would fall like this....

But I know I could never change. I am who I am. He's who he is. I just wish I had the courage to face him....with the truth.

Shocking isn't it? Me, of all people, wanting the truth. Irony.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

What Is This Feeling

Not that it matters. But I feel like I'm losing my mind. Every time I have a dream...He's there. Every time a stranger turns on the street...I want it to be him!

GOD! Why....I've gone my whole miserable life without wanting/needing attachment. Why now? And why him?

.....Because he's roguishly handsome, with pensive eyes and a voice that could melt the arctic tundra with it's heat.....

But he's cost me so much. A husband, a companion, even my one shot at a normal life with a daughter. So much pain....Suffering....Sleepless nights....

Perhaps I'm haunted by the thoughts of him.....And I. Together in some way we could never be. Well....I shouldn't say never.

And maybe I should stop being such a sorry sod and tell him....

Right....I'm sure he's reading this as well. You know where to find me, love.....Or do you......

Friday, October 21, 2005

The Ties That Bind

Blast this man....He's in my soul. Entangled in my essence. I can hardly tolerate it.
And yet, I wonder what my life would be like without him.....Why, WHY do I need him so?

I can't think straight, almost off balance. Yet, he keeps me on my toes. How can one person do this to another with just a mere conversation....It doesn't seem possible. It's almost like...

No, it can't be. I can't be. Not with him. We share a mutual respect and keep our distance. But that.....Dare I say, love?

I can't say for sure.....But sometimes I wonder......wonder if he feels the same?

Does he miss me when I'm gone? Does my very image torture his dreams as he tortures mine? Would he give anything and everything for just one passing glance?

I don't know....I've never asked him......maybe one day I shall.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Two Houses, Both Alike In Dignity

Let's talk about love for a tic shall we.......

Romeo and Juliet. Now there's some kids that had the right idea. Burn bright and hard for a short period of time then....Snuff it out. They knew they were facing a life without each other and that was just too much to bear. So, they took their own lives in a last act of love and devotion.

How sweet. Well...It's not that easy for me.

There's someone that would say I'm not capable of love. That I'm far to evil. Well, he'd be wrong. I mean, I know what love is. I had a daughter....Whose loss was tragic.....I know what unconditional love feels like.

But this. This is different. We're....I don't know. I want to loathe him. For what he is..But I can't. I find myself lost in him. Yet, I've only spoken with him. Never had any other relationship with him at all....Just, spoken.

I'm afraid we'll always be destined to be on the wrong side. That we will always oppose each other. Not that it's too terrible; he is a worthy nemesis. But...The pain of this....Always present in my mind.

And out of all the things he's said to me...."Evil, like you Nicole, is unrelenting in it's pursuits," and things of that nature.....

All I have ever longed for him to say is.....

Nevermind.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

And in their darkness

Well, I know how everyone likes to look at the dark side of the human soul. Hince myself. I am the darkness. I am the evil. But hey, I'm lots of fun.

Hmmm, you know what my most favorite thing to do is? Find out what truly eats away at people. And then watch it destroy them.

Not in that physical way. I mean, all in their heads. Exploit that deep, dark secret..And then, they'll always have my voice. In their head. Telling them what's wrong with them.

I've done that to my share of people. But there is one that I enjoy it the most. Maybe it's because he reminds me so much of myself...Or maybe it's because I find him attractive.....

Because I care...I shove him away. We're stuck in this perpetual dance of tit for tat. I wish that it wouldn't be all give and take....I wish it could be different. But that's how we relate to each other.

Maybe it'll always be that way. But still. I know I haunt his thoughts.

Every minute of everyday.