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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

.....

I suppose you're wondering what has caused me to open up and face reality. Tell my story and make it clear....Or commonly known as telling the truth about my life.

I'm tired. Tired of running away from my past. I just end up chasing my tail and making myself dizzy. I'm tired of nightmares....Tired of the guilt for not saving her. I just want to sleep again.....

I'm seeing a therapist. I know. Me of all people. But I figured "you've got nothing else to lose. What could it hurt?"

Playing this little game with Bobby helped me realize how liberating the truth can be. Even if it does hurt. Even if you shed a few tears over it. It's worth it just to be able to live with yourself.

This woman. Fantastic. She can see right though me; like someone else we know. I appreciate that quality in a person. And I hope she can help me understand who I am....And maybe help me become the woman I was always supposed to be.

And what if she doesn't? And I'm still the same old Nicole.....Then I'm right back where I started.....And lost nothing.

One thing she keeps trying to impressed upon me is that....I've spent most of my life pushing away, which I already knew....And that I shouldn't push away anyone that actually cares for me.....

Well, I like her already......

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Answers, Always Answers

I figured that an entry would be the best way to address some questions that have risen out of my latest sad tale of my wretched life. So...Here goes....

From leah...Credit where credit is due of course......

"When,where and how did you dispose of Elizabeth Hitchens?"

I merely borrowed her identity. Anything that happened to her was no doing of mine. I came to know of her by watching her. Breath-taking. So happy, I was jealous that someone could live life like that....And I was left with pain. I started using the name as an escape of myself. I thought that if I pretended to be someone else long enough....I would grow to believe it was the truth about me. Of course, that applies to any other name I've used. I just wanted to escape me.

Alas, that could never be possible. I think trouble follows me like smoke follows the flame. I've had a knack for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. But then again, if not for that I would have never met Bobby.

Who. From the beginning, saw me for who I really was. Nicole Wallace. Always hard to admit who you really are.

"Why did you drive over 300 miles before you buried your daughter? And how could you dig a grave with 2 fractured ribs?"

I wanted her to rest in peace. To be buried in a grave....And someplace only I could find her. I figured that was the least I could do for her. I failed her as a mother. I let her die.....I did nothing but wallow in my own fear and pain for far too long.

She paid for my selfishness with her innocent life. She didn't deserve that. She deserved birthday parties......To learn to read. To have boyfriends. To graduate. To find that one man that makes her life complete....To have children of her own and know the joy that she brought to my life.

Instead. I let her be murdered in front of my very eyes....Some mother I was.

I think I answered the question about fractured ribs, but for good measure....Fractured isn't broken. That man was a real pro about beating me up just enough that I would be miserable, but I could still walk about.

I learned early on that pain, was a part of my life. I found I could do a great deal when I was in pain. I even learned to sneeze with a broken nose. I learned to write with several broken fingers and not wince when I curled my hand. You have to hide the pain, so the world can't see what you really are.....

It's that secret life of the battered. Cover your bruises, never let them see you cry. Never ask for help. No one will believe such a wonderful man would ever do that to you. I pray you never have to endure it.....

"if this is all true, why didn't you tell Bobby this story 2 years ago - instead of insisting on 3 occasions that your child's death was accidental?"

Do you honestly think he would have believed me? Imagine what he thought about me. What kind of person he assumed I was. It wouldn't have mattered if I had told him what was real....He would have just seen it as a deception. Not that I behaved any way to make him think any differently.

Maybe I just thought it would be easier if he thought less of me. So I could deny what I felt about him. But then, the unthinkable. He actually felt the same for me. My best laid plan, thrown out the window.

I wanted to tell him. Every detail of the truth. But fear stopped me. Fear that he wouldn't believe me. Fear that he would think less of me for letting her die. Fear that saying it....Would make the abuse real all over again. Fear that it would destroy me.

But here I am. The truth is out and I'm still kicking. In my own way. More like writhing.

I wanted to tell Bobby this story face to face. But something about being back in that little grey room, pouring my heart out....Makes it so unappealing. I thought this would be better.

Of course...If he really wants to talk to me....He knows how to find me....

Monday, November 28, 2005

You Want The Truth...

It's not like any of you deserve it...But the truth is something I'll have to grow to be comfortable with. I don't owe this to you reading this....I don't owe this to any detective, including Bobby...I owe this to my daughter.

Perhaps getting this out will finally let her ghost rest....

Her father. Was not a pleasant man. But these are the people I attract. Usually, I'd just pray he would never lash out at her....Pray that he would just stick to beating me. As long as my baby was safe, that's all that mattered. I couldn't see a way out. All I could do was stay....Stay alive and protect her.

That day at the beach.....It started out nice. But she, was always a bit of a free spirit. Going about, whatever way she wanted. I always kept her under watchful eye, but at a distance when her father was. Himself. He started to yell...Complaining about the heat. I asked him not to ruin this for her. Of course, that was my mistake. Standing up to him.

I remember that punch clearly. Just one and I was face down in the sand. Only this time....She saw it. She came running over to check on me. I can still hear her crying out to me. He told her that's what happens to girls who don't do what they're told. And then....She took a stand.

"You're bad, daddy." And he raised his fist....She started to run, that's when he grabbed her arm. I heard it snap....I tried to get up only he kicked me right in the face.

I was left helpless to watch him. I can hear her begging him to stop, saying "no" ask he put his hands around her neck. She wouldn't stop crying....I guess he decided that needed to be quiet permanently. And then, it happened.

She just went limp. She didn't cry. She didn't move. He picked her up and threw her into the water. I tried to crawl to save her...Little did I know. He walked back over to me. He told me that he took care of it. That now, he didn't have any thing that bound us together anymore.

Before he left, he kicked me...Like a dog, for at least ten minutes. I believe he fractured a rib or two....Par for the course. He said. Don't worry about finding him.....He wouldn't be around. And he took off.

I waited until he was out of sight before I got to my feet...The pain was excruciating. But I had to see what he had done to her. I hurried out to the water, clothes and all. And there she was. Floating lifeless.

I drug her from the water. But it was too late. She was dead. And I let it happened. I did nothing to stop him. And watched him kill my baby. I figured that giving her a burial was the least I could do for her.

And that night, I left Australia. And decided it wasn't much fun to be me....

Like I said....I'm not trying to win you over. Just letting the truth out.

Always Making Friends

It seems that I've been put on the radar of yet another of New York's finest. Only this one...I don't care that much for.

Detective Mike Logan. Don't know much about the man. But I'll make it a point to find out more that what I have.

He presumes to know more that he possibly could. About me. Thinks that he could rattle me, just like Bobby can. Well, I have news for him. No one can get to me like that. Bobby understands me.....Knows me. Is connected to me.

Bobby did mention that he was going to call him. Maybe I'll come up in conversation.

Always welcome a new target. Especially one so full of himself, when he has no reason to be. Laughable really....

Saturday, November 26, 2005

My poor baby

He's so tortured. Tries to wrap his mind around all these concepts that he couldn't possibly grasp all at once.

He's brilliant, don't get me wrong. But even brilliant minds can't take all that in.

Fear. Fear is that gap that blocks so much in his life; for that matter, my own. Because of fear, I mess up relationships. I'm afraid they only say they love me just to get me into bed. And that whenever they're done with me, they'll throw me away like yesterday's paper.

Bobby's afraid of not being the man he so desperately wants to be. He's terrified of being his father. But, I happened to believe that he could never be that cold. His heart wouldn't allow for it. He loves and respects all woman far too much to treat them like something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe. Plus, he doesn't strike me as the unfaithful type. He doesn't like being betrayed.

There will come a day, and very soon, when Bobby and I will either give into love or give into fear.....I hope for love. Not because of an obvious desire for him, but the alternative isn't so cheery.

We've been living in fear, in shadow, for so long now. This fear.....The magnitude of it. It's handicapping us. If only we could just let go.....

But of course, that's a moment best reserved for a face to face meeting....I'll see what I can do about that.

Well, Bother

It looks like I was discovered. But, maybe I did that on purpose....

But I don't think so. I wanted to take every precaution not to be seen. I didn't want him to see....Shouldn't have put it past him to follow that damn messenger.

How hard is it to follow basic instruction? Don't take the stairs...He'll just follow you and eleven floors is an awfully long way to run. Just take the elevator. By the time he reads it, you'll be gone.

And then I pay you....I should have paid in advance.

So, no more notes at work. I guess I'll be getting more creative then....

After all...It's not like I don't know where he lives. Getting the apartment number; there's the rub. Scratch that....Getting it without his knowledge. I'm sure I could just find some way to access records, but he'd find it out. He always does.

Well Bobby, I hope that glance tides you over.....And I can assure you, it won't be the last.

Sweet dreams love.

Friday, November 25, 2005

....

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

You've Got To Believe

Imagine my surprise as I read this:

"This will sound fucked up, but I'm very thankful for Nicole. While it is painful to care so much for someone that is so unhealthy for me, I've also learned a lot about myself. I now know the amount of love that I can feel for a woman and to settle for a relationship that makes me feel any less- I couldn't do it. I want to feel like this again but with someone that I can accept love from as well. I now know just how deeply connected I can be to a woman without physical intimacy. Souls can be connected even when bodies aren't. This has reinforced my belief that you cannot control who you love. Souls are intertwined, hearts are entangled, intellect is matched and it just happens. If these things occur with two people that cannot be together then I have to believe that the opposite happens as well. All of those pieces interlock and beautiful couples are born. Those little old couples you see walking hand in hand in slow motion. They've been together for 40 years and the man still opens doors for her, still beams at her like a college boy. An all-encompassing, unconditional yet uniquely flawed love. It does exist & I think I understand the power of it just a bit better. Enough to want to find it."

It's amazing.....I'm glad that a man that is so able to express himself has these feelings for me. How about that I'm thankful for something.....

As much as we have put each other through......I'm thankful to have Bobby in my life. In some form or another. This man, who has spent his life trying to understand the dark parts of the human soul, actually found a dark soul he could connect to. And ironically, when I'm with him....When we speak, he lights my dark soul and brings me into the light and lets me see me for what I am. Fractured, not broken. He makes me feel like I don't have to be so strong all the time. And reinforces the idea that love just happens.....That is an emotion we can't control.....And that we shouldn't fight it.

The deepest love can be born from the deepest hate. Strong emotions, not even I can bury or control.

I guess when I said I wanted unconditional love....I expected something a little different. But, he did say that he would have loved me anyway....If our situation had be different. Suppose that qualifies as unconditional.

Perhaps what I want is unconditional surrender.....

I just have one question for you Bobby....You said you want to find this love that you feel.....

What if you already have and are too afraid to accept what that really means?

....Enjoy the day everyone.

Wonders Will Never Cease

How about that....You actually ask that someone gets something and they do.

And they say those secretaries are over-paid.....

Well, it's not like you expected me to walk right up to him and say hello...Did you? Furthermore, I don't think I would be a welcome sight in his office.....Any number of people would like to see me behind bars and any of them could put me there.

You know, I was even wearing gloves when I wrote it...When I dropped it off. I didn't even use my own pen. Paranoid; a little. But I knew he wouldn't need my fingerprints to know it was from me.

I found it amusing that his little pet wanted to have it analyzed. Bah...She knows. Unfortunately for her, the only fingerprints they'll find are that secretary's. I bet she'll be so upset....

Eames....That one; she could use some loosening up....I bet she's loads of fun once she's smashed......

But that's a bit off topic.....

I was almost in hopes I would pass him in the building.....For an added bonus. But I guess the early morning/late night sighting will have to do....

For now.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Pretending He's Beside Me

I wasn't able to fall asleep early this morning. I tossed and turned; all I could hear was his voice in my head.

I decided it was useless to fight it. I got out of bed and looked out my window. I realized how beautiful the city is at night....So I decided to brave the cold and take a walk.

I put on my favorite jeans....Let my hair down. Falling where it wanted....Grabbed my coat and set out to clear my mind.

I didn't feel the need to make myself up. It's like another mask I wear. Instead, here I was....Me. In the darkness, at least I feel completely like myself.

As I walked, I could still hear his voice. Maybe that's the guilt.....

"How old where you....."

I couldn't even admit the truth when confronted with it. How pathetic. No wonder he doesn't trust me.

"You know the rules...."

I do. And I'd bend them to my advantage everytime. No matter what that meant. No matter the pain I could cause him. All that buried torture of his childhood. Not that he didn't return the favor.

"These are the people you attract....."

I promised myself a long time ago that I would never cry in front of anyone ever again. I couldn't let someone have the knowledge that they could hurt me. That power lasts a lifetime....

"A normal life is not for you Nicole."

Why? Why does that stay with me.....It's probably because it cut the deepest. If it wouldn't have been for the cold wind blowing, I would have never noticed the tears falling.....

And that's when I saw him.....Apparently, Bobby wasn't sleep either. He was just a few feet away. I could see that he was trying to decide if it was me standing there. That I didn't look like myself.....And that he wanted to see for himself.

Instead of standing my ground and waiting to engage him, I took off while he was still lost in thought. Part of me wants to believe he was saddened by my departure......

Oh, my darling Bobby....If you wanted to dance with the devil in the dark, last night was not the chance. I think, how do you Americans say it, "the ball is in my court." And it's my turn love......

Don't worry....You'll get the chance to dance with me again. I promise.

Kismet

Do you ever think what your life would be like if you hadn't met someone?

What if you and your best friend didn't have the same math class in high school? Or what if that boy that always sat in front of you in church moved to a different spot? Or what if you hadn't taken the chance to ask the girl behind the counter out?

Life wouldn't be as rich; as meaningful without these people. Your friends, perhaps significant others. If you hadn't met them, you would be a different person. And several events in your life would have changed. You could be a totally different person....

Imagine that....All for one person.....

I think I search out people, rather than just meeting them. I want to know who I'm letting into the shattered pieces of my life. I can't take the chance that these people will hurt me. Never again....

But there are times the hurt is worth it.

Everyone has a tale of heart-ache and lessons learned. And they always say, "If I had to do it all over again....I wouldn't change a thing." Because they learned.....They grew as a person because of what happened. And that hurt was worth it all for the lesson and the happy times.

I wonder what would have happened if I never had met Bobby?

To be honest, I don't think any other detective could have "figured me out" like he has. No one can get to me like he does. No one else could have ever connected so much like he did. And I think that what makes the game so much fun...

But of course, there is the time in every game when you have to bet it all. To take a risk. And that time is now.....

Soon.....You'll see it, love. You'll see.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Two A.M.....Again

I sit here tonight. Wondering why I'm still awake. And wishing that I could sleep.

But also...I wonder who else is awake. I see all the lights in this city and know that I'm not the only one not sleeping.

Most people have good reason not to sleep. For example, they have a job. And they have to work late nights; probably their second jobs. They need it just to make ends meet....Or maybe they are sending their children to private school and have to work. Just to keep them out of public school....Best of luck.

Others not sleeping: parents of newborns. Probably begging their precious little babies to just sleep...If for only an hour. Walking the floors. Singing something off -key. Trying to keep their own eyes open. But one day, they'll look back...And long for that time, when they were everything to that baby.

As always, my mind drifts to Bobby. I hope he's sleeping tonight. He needs his rest for the coming day. He doesn't function too well with very little sleep. I've seen him like that. He become mechanical....Just going through the motions. Just to pass out from exhaustion at night. That's not way to live.

I also wonder what he thinks about before he falls asleep....Undoubtedly his mother. What tomorrow will bring for her....What can he do.....Why she has this disease. All those rhetorical questions.....

I'd bet thoughts about the case he's on creep up. He probably keeps a notepad beside his bed so if he gets an idea, he can write it down.....So he doesn't forget. He is an excellent note taker you know....

And right before he drifts off.....He thinks of me. Where I am....What I'm doing....When will we meet again.....What if we don't.....

Sleep tight love....I assure you. We will.....

Monday, November 21, 2005

I Will Not Be Ignored

You ever feel invisible? Like you were a ghost...Walking amongst the living day in and day out. Unable to make a change. You are forced to watch things unfold....Helpless.

Yesterday, I was out walking. Thinking. About....Being honest. Perhaps that's not something I'm ready for. Plus, I don't owe law enforcement an explanation for my behavior. I am accountable for it....And I am trying to make amends. However I can do that.

But I know the one thing I wouldn't be able to handle is looking him right in the eye and saying it. Making it real. I'll be unable to avoid those eyes. Searing the guilt onto my soul, like a scarlet letter, so they'll know me in hell.

Please...I've got a reserved seat...

As I was envisioning this little confession, then there he was, sitting....Watching. Not me particularly.....But watching the people that passed. I decided to see what on Earth was so fascinating; so I stood there and watched with him.

There was this middle-aged couple, walking their dog.....I think the woman cared more for the dog than the man beside her. At least dogs are loyal......But loyal I mean, they don't smile and try to turn their head completely around to watch a passing jogger....

There was a younger woman, I'd say late twenties....With two children. Alone. I wondered if they shared the same father and where he was. But then again, they might be better off without him.

He was keeping an eye on those precious little children. Bobby does stick to watching them....And they are interesting. Children go about life without the slightest care to what people will think. Must be wonderful to live like that....

Then I spotted this elderly couple, slowly making their way down the path. Talking, smiling, laughing, holding hands.....Everyone should have love like that in their lives. Even though they would have nothing else....They would have each other. And here I thought "until death do us part" was something of the past. He saw them as well and I watched that smile creep onto his face.

I must admit. Bobby looked well....Like he was actually relaxed for once. He was absent that huge weight that is usually on his shoulders. I felt a ping of jealousy as I so wanted to be that person that helped lift the weight off. I didn't want to disturb him.....Actually comfortable for the moment.....

And then it dawned on me. I had to cross this area to get home. Ironic isn't it? The place he picked to people watch was near my home....Almost like he knew.
I gathered myself....And started walking calmly past him.

He was still watching the elderly couple as I neared where he was sitting. I thank God for that. And right at the moment the couple and I passed each other.......The woman dropped her cane. Right in front of him....Of course....

So, I bent down and handed it back to her. She thanked me and before I could stop myself, I said "you're very welcome love." Very smart indeed.

I saw him turn to look what face went with that voice....As if he already didn't know, but I hurried along me merry way. Not suspiciously, but quickly. I didn't want him to worry about finding me. Seeing my face.

I should be the farthest thing on his mind.....At least for now.

Let him relax. Tomorrow is another day.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Getting It Out

Last night, I did something I haven't done in ages. I went to confession. I was in hopes at least telling someone would help me. I had to admit all these things I....That I have had a hand in. Whether or not I actually had done something, that I was at fault.

I must admit; I think it helped. And for the first time in my life, praying was meaningful. As I sat in the sanctuary, staring up at the statue of Christ, I was in tears. This man, who never did anything but tell the world about the love of his Father, was executed like a criminal....For me. I must be important to someone, to God, if his only son died to redeem me.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should be crucified for my actions....

Oh God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins

It's hard to think about what I have done. Those professors didn't deserve the pain I inflicted on them. Neither did that boy. He was so young...I'm sorry for casting doubt on anyone. I even had to lie about how I was.....At least there was one person who didn't buy my act.

Because I dread the loss of heaven, and the pains of hell; but most of all because they offend Thee, my God

That nurse was corrupt before I got to her. But, I did take what wasn't mine. Croydon. I convinced him that life wasn't worth living. All so I could ruin Bobby's reputation. To seek revenge. I strung Gavin along.....But he believed everything I told him, like a good puppy. Bobby tried to warn him...But he was blinded by love. That's what I do, get them to love me...And get out.

Who is all good and deserving of all my love

I made a young girl end her life so I wouldn't go to jail. She proved her devotion to me with the ultimate price. And still, I didn't care. Instead I tried to make Bobby believe that I was dead. For what, some advantage in a game.

I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace

This last go round. I was really there to expose a weak man for what he really was. He was trying to kill his own child. And this little girl deserved a father who loved her no matter what, who would do anything for her. Not this man that murdered his own wife; killed his brother and tried to kill his own child....For a life in Mexico. I even made sure that Gwen was safe. So she could have a life....Not like I had. And yet, Bobby was sure of my guilt. Not like I ever gave him a reason not to be.......

To confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life

Since the moment we met, it's been about getting back to Bobby. I don't blame him for my actions, but I must admit....The thought of being back with him was a powerful motivator. All those things I've said to him; about his parents....I never wanted to hurt him. But since he was exposing all the demons I had, I just thought making him human as well was fair. I pray that he understands that. All I ever wanted was understanding from anyone.......He understands me.

I almost believed that this love between us was a curse. But love, never a curse. It's a divine blessing that should never be wasted. I don't want to waste anything that I've been given. I think that were I've gone wrong for so long.

As many times as I've just walked in and out of that office, I don't think I can just trot right up to him and tell him I want to confess.....Not there anyway. I just want him to know I'm serious.....

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Bless Me Father....

I've heard it said that "confession is good for the soul."

Confession, good for even my bleak soul. Well, it's been a long time since I've confessed to anyone...Any thing at all.

Why do we need to tell anyone else the wrong we've done? For what purpose...To make us accountable to God and ourselves so we can seek the forgiveness already bestowed upon us; by the holy blood of Christ?

I remember when I was young. Going to confession....Reciting a laundry list of sins. And being told my penance and going off to pray.

Hail Mary, full of Grace

If it were only that simple. There is always a price to pay for a wrong. And the Blessed Mother isn't whom you'll deal with. Try the District Attorney.

The Lord is with Thee

And that's if they can convince a jury. That's why they try and convince you to confess. It's easier that way; that's what they tell you. Praying that you'll admit your guilt, telling they what you've done. You should be the one praying.....

Thou art blessed among women

It can be intimidating to be in that room. Alone. Especially with a very skilled interrogator like Bobby. I must say....I'm sure many a bumbling fool has given him just what he wanted....Lucky for him, I'm not that easy. He likes a challenge......

And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus

I remember our conversation about my daughter. I was. Stunned. Shocked. Terrified. Enraged.....Overwhelmed with emotions that I thought I had buried long ago. I was wrong. And he took the lead. I was blind-sided. But, I had my revenge. It took so much time, but it was worth every minute.

Holy Mary, Mother of God

But it's not as easy to just confess....You have to admit to yourself that you have done something wrong. Not wrong in the eyes of law enforcement. Not wrong in the eyes of your peers. But wrong in your eyes. It takes a strong person to admit when you've done something worthy of confessing....But then again. Aren't we all sinners?

Pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of death

I admit. I have done....Things I am not particularly proud of. But it's hard to put into words the why, not the how. The how was the easy part. I know that understanding the why could unlock this piece of my soul that has been lost to me for so long. That part of me that feels guilt. And having to embrace it all at once. Could be too much for even me to handle. I can only hope someone will be there to catch me......

Amen.





Thursday, November 17, 2005

Connecting

I know what you'll think. You'll think I was out looking for him again. But you would be wrong, I was there first.

I like bookstores. I always feel the need to find something new to hold my interest; to educate me; or provide an escape if only for a few hours of the day.

I was wandering though an aisle and I looked across the way....And there he was. Frantically searching for something. He was focused on it. I hope I wasn't seen. But to ensure myself of it, I hid.

Meaning...I ducked into the aisle across from him....I noticed where he was, in terms of subject matter. I remember thinking "his mother" and knowing it must be something major.

I watched him skim several books. In hopes he would find whatever he was looking for. I don't think God himself could have stopped him from searching. I almost believe that I could have rounded the corner, walked right past him, and he would have never taken notice.

I thought about it. But I decided to stay hidden. Besides, I was close enough to smell him....I love that smell. It makes me feel warm. Like it's something I needed.

It was also painful. To know that he was searching for something he may not find. I hoped against all hope that he would find it....Whatever he was looking for.

I guess my hope paid off. He closed the book in his hand, and smiled. And took off. I didn't see which way....But the moment was over. He was out the door and off to discovering this information that was the most important thing on his mind.

Seeing him smile, if only for that one second, made me so happy. Normally, I loathe anyone else's happiness. But for him, knowing what he has been through in the past month's.....He deserves it.

I'll bet your wondering what I was searching for specifically.....I couldn't say. I never have a plan when it comes to books. I just go for whatever my mood is.

Could explain all of those damned love novels.....

Rain

Rain. It's tragically beautiful isn't it?

Like tears....When I was little, I thought heaven was crying for me when it would rain. Then again, I thought heaven should have cried a little more often, but that's not for this......

The sound of rain. So comforting...Soothing. I love to fall asleep to the sound of rain falling against my window pane.

Often enough, I'll watch it rain. Gaze out the window and admire it. Falling without regard to the lovers that were having a lunch in the park. Or the little boy looking for his lost dog. Or the funeral procession. Or the birth of a new child.

But what I think most about when watching it rain, is the other people that are watching it rain. How alone they are....Who they are. Almost hoping that he's watching it rain also.

I can just picture him staring out his window.....Sorrowful eyes, feeling like he and the rain have something in common. Hoping that it will stop by morning....He hates surveying crime scenes in the cold morning rain. But he loves the smell after the storm.....

I wish I could be right there with him, watching the rain....Cradled in his arms, safe....Loved at last. But, it's only a fantasy....

For now, I'll settle for this...Knowing that we are watching the same sky.

Perhaps heaven is crying for us now........

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The Subject Is Still Daddies

I hate talking about my father. That man...No, I take that back. No man would do anything that despicable to his own child. A man would have loved and cared for her; helping her grow into a beautiful, smart, and normal woman.

Instead....This is what I've become. I hide behind these names...Elizabeth and Leslie are girls who never met my daddy. They didn't have to grow up in his house. Hiding wherever they could just to avoid him. Praying to a God that they weren't entirely sure existed that he would just leave them alone.

I know that seems like an excuse. That my childhood is the sole reason I'm who I am today. But it's true. If I would have been loved by my father, I wouldn't see most men as a plague; that all they do is exist to hurt and torture.

I have to live with the reality of what was done to me. Everyday. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror without shivering. Sometimes, I just want to crawl out of my skin, just to escape the feeling.

Everyone that I've ever let get close to me, never has known me. Sure they had an inkling of who I was, but never ever the real me. Nicole. Because I couldn't let them. The real me is as fragile as porcelain and I just know the second I would let that fragile little girl into sight, they would shatter her....And she can't take that. It would destroy her for good.

That's why Bobby and I are so connected. He knows who I truly am. And he can pull all of that to the surface. No matter how hard I try to push it back under; he knows its there. Not that I don't bring to the surface his demons as well. I don't think we intentionally try and harm each other. We just want one person in our lives not to lie to us, for once. But in these conversations I've discovered, he's that other version of me. What I would be like if I was on the right side of the table, as it were.

I have shed some tears over some of the things he's said, only because they were true. I allowed that fragile porcelain girl to come out and he held her in the palm of his hand. And I waited for him to shatter her. Laugh as he watched her break for good. Yet, he never has. He's always handled me with care. Why Bobby? Why do I merit such behavoir?

We both know what it's like to have some worthless excuse for a man to try and raise us. Leaving us with a shining example of what not to be. How not to act.

Bobby said he fears what he would be like in a relationship. Well, I already know what I'm like. I'm a failure. A miserable failure. Just like Daddy knew I'd be.

That's what you fear Bobby. Daddy's voice in your head, telling you "I was right."



Here we are again....In this tango. It's your lead love......


Sounded Like Fun

If I Were A....

If I were a month, I would be: January. Start of a new year...New opportunities.

If I were a day of the week, I would be: Wednesday. I always liked "hump day."

If I were a time of day, I would be: two a.m. Ever notice that most people have very deep thoughts that early/late.....

If I were a planet, I would be: Venus.

If I were a sea animal, I would be a: Seahorse.

If I were a direction, I would be: West. That's where the sun sets.

If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: A rocking chair.

If I were a sin, I would be: Lust. What else?

If I were a historical figure, I would be: William Wallace. I like his name.

If I were a liquid I would be: Amontillado.

If I were a stone, I would be: Marble. Strong and beautiful.

If I were a tree, I would be a: Dogwood. There are gorgeous when in bloom.

If I were a bird, I would be a: Robin.

If I were a flower/plant, I would be: Ivy.

If I were a kind of weather, I would be: A gentle rainstorm, that lulls you to sleep.


If I were a musical instrument, I would be a: Clarinet. It sounds so sorrowful, and yet it can sound so full of hope.

If I were an animal, I would be a: Cat. They come around when they need you.

If I were a color, I would be: Blue.

If I were an emotion, I would be: Love.

If I were a vegetable, I would be a: Carrot.

If I were a sound, I would be: A child's laughter.

If I were an element, I would be: Water.

If I were a car, I would be a: '67 Shelby Mustang GT 500, in silver.

If I were a song, I would be: Fever.

If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Quentin Tarantino

If I were a book, I would be written by: Gregory Maguire.

If I were a food, I would be: Strawberries dipped in chocolate.

If I were a place, I would be: A private beach in Hawaii.

If I were a material, I would be: Leather.

If I were a taste, I would be: Mint.

If I were a scent, I would be: Fresh rain.

If I were a word, I would be: Tragic.

If I were a body part, I would be: Fingers.

If I were a facial expression, I would be: A sly grin.

If I were a subject in school, I would be: Psychology.

If I were a comic book character, I would be: Rouge.

If I were a shape, I would be a: Circle. No beginning and no end.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Death and Taxes

The only constants in life. "As sure as death and taxes." I've only been in this country a few years and yet, this phrase seems to be one of the more prevalent things.

I don't know about taxes, but I do know about death. And not how you think.

I woke up one morning and I realized. I'm alone. My parents....Almost everyone that I've ever cared for, gone. Never to be heard from again. No more.

But I think the pain of knowing death is one thing that binds us together as the human race. We all know what it feels like to lose someone. And we all know the pain of preparing to lose someone.....And the waiting is the most painful.

Death and the realization that we all die is the reason why I always live life to the fullest. I don't want to wait for things to happened. I make it so.

Which could explain my obsession with Bobby. I don't want to chance I could be gone and he never know what I think; how I feel....What I feel like in his arms....

There's only us.
There's only this.
Forget regret or life is yours to miss.
No other road. No other way.
No day but today.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Another little thing.....

Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?


Suiting little song isn't it?

The Subject Is Daddies....

I know...It's the same title but, it's important to keep with a theme. Since you can be so up-front about it Bobby....Here's some more insight into that mire that is my mind....

Well, fathers. Daddies as it were. To a little girl, this man is your hero. He can make all pain go away and protect you. He's your knight in shining armor....And he will always love you. No matter what.

He's supposed to be an example of what you should want in a husband; in the father of your children. After all, there is some logic that every little girl wants to marry her father.

He is the great male influence in your life. He sees you off to your first day of school....He teaches you to drive, although he doesn't want to....He smiles at your high school graduation and cries because he realizes that daddy's little girl is grown up....And he watches with pain on the day he gives you to another man. All this is what being a father is about.

Unless her father was like mine. I've said it before...Sometimes daddies love too much.

I lived my entire childhood and the majority of my adult life trying to avoid the reality of it all. But in my darkest hours, the memories wash over me in a flood of tears. I can still feel the hurt and shame. And I can't help but wonder if everyone on the street can tell I'm damaged....

You know, sometimes he was so inebriated, he couldn't even tell what he was doing. But the truly frightening fact is that most of the time, he was completely sober. Knowingly and willing destroyed his sparkling little girl....

That's what he used to call me...."Sparkling little girl"....It almost turns my stomach to say it.

Tit for tat love....As promised.

Friday, November 11, 2005

No Day But Today

I must admit. Today has been trying for me. I'm full of nervous energy. Like there's something that I have to do...But what? I only have one definite thing on my agenda this evening.....

But I don't believe I will like the outcome.

Even so, I'll continue on with my existence. Doing what I always do....Being me. Actually, lately, I have been feeling like myself. Which is comforting in its own right.

I'm a free woman...In all aspects. And I understand that's still a sore spot for my darling Bobby.

That I walk about the city, or anywhere that I want for that matter, free. That I'm not locked up in prison, like a caged tiger at the zoo. Just there, away from society, and free for him to visit any time he likes.

Now that I think about it, I know why he wants me incarcerated so badly. Not to pay for crimes that I allegedly committed....So he'll know where I am at all times. So he can sleep peacefully with the knowledge that he won't see me in public....

That we won't bump into each other at a restaurant; so he doesn't think of me every time he meets someone; so he can look through stacks of books without wondering if I'm behind the next shelf....

Behind a shelf....I'll have to remember that.

Well, I must be off....Decided to be a little girly today...Get my nails done.

Six o'clock can't get here fast enough......


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Does He?

Just some things Bobby said. Really got me thinking, as his words tend to do.

Is he drawing me out? Is he forcing my hand, as it were? Do I always need a "Patsy" to do my bidding?

Or am I leading the dance? Do I control his choices? Is it the thought of me that drives him to do certain things? Does he secretly hope that every murder victim is my victim....Just so we can engage in mental warfare again?

Who really knows? Only Bobby and myself...And to be honest, I don't think either of us is to sure who is following whose lead.

Although I must admit, this is very amusing. To be in this twisted dance of love and hate; desire and disgust....Wondering which one of us will finally take the lead over the other.

Waiting....Watching...Hoping



Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Ah, Music

Music is a strange thing isn't it?

Just when you feel/think/want to say something. Someone does it for you in a song.

Imagine that......

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Almost like being in a musical isn't it? Just the right song in the background when you feel like your world is crashing down...

Or the soundtrack to your first kiss....

Or your heartache.

Mine is usually the latter.

It's just an odd fact of life. That there will always be that song that you need to hear at the exact time you need to hear it.

Covert Operation

It looks like I've been "made," as they say. He saw me. Right behind him....I stayed there and he saw me.

But, only because I allowed him to. Don't misunderstand; I wanted to hide, let him just keep walking. He needed to be reminded of the other constant in his life....

Me.

How I wanted to take him in my arms and never let go. To help him ease that rage that could consume him. But, instead...I let his eyes meet mine, turned and walked away.

Of course...It wasn't yet time for it.

"How I wish there could be one single hour spent alone with her. An hour without the mountain of baggage and depraved history lying in a heap between us."

Bobby, I'm willing to try to shove all that aside. Just for an hour. If that's what you want....Need.

Be careful what you wish for Bobby...You just might get it.

How delightful

I thought reading would calm me. So, I picked up a favorite....Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West.

About Elphaba....Before she was "wicked" to us all. (That's right, even she has a name) Her terrible childhood; being an outcast....Having to deal with a cheating mother and a disapproving father. Her sister being the sole focus of her father....He soon forgot about his first born child.

Elphaba was always different; had a way of working people...Making them realize what the truth was. No matter how ugly it was. And had a way of getting things done, at whatever cost.

And all she ever wanted in return....Was a pair of shoes.

But not just shoes...To her, they represented all of the unconditional love that she lacked. She knew that having them with her....Finally, she could allow herself to feel worth while. That this love....These shoes. They were the solution to her problem.

She wasn't wicked; just misunderstood. Everything in her life was temporary. Everyone in her life just used her and then swept her under the rug.

I can identify with that.....Sometimes. The hopelessness. The pain.

...Well, here it is...Early Wednesday already.....Time flies.....

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Butterflies

I can't believe I'm this nervous over a little note. Me, of all people.....

It's like being a teenager all over again. Wishing with all my might that the boy I like will like me back.

But, this. This is different. Because of these revelations we've had; we can never be as we once were. There's this....Emotion between us now. And I believe the only way we can move on...Is to look it square in the eye and be done with it.

I don't know what I expect to happened. Or if I even expect him to be there.

Part of me wants so badly for him to ignore it....So I can get on with my other plans.

But that part of my heart that aches for him, wants him to be there. So I can finally say everything to him. Look in those beautiful eyes and tell the truth about what I feel....Think. And the remorse for all the pain I've caused him.

This wonderful man deserves a woman that he can spend his life with....And Lord knows that's not me. I wish it were.....If my luck was different, maybe then.

I'm jealous of the women in his life....Like his mother or that little pixie of a partner. They get to spend their days with him. Detective Eames doesn't realize how good she has it....A man that will protect her to the death.

I can see it when I look at him. Like he was her brother; keeping an eye out. I could tell when he lashed out at me after I took a shot at her. He cares about her...And is able to tell her everyday.

Lucky girl.....

....But I'm reminded of my own words....The secret of luck is, never to trust it.

Maybe what I'm experiencing is more like a form of karma. For every wrong thing I've done....These are the reasons why it is this way.

I would give everything just to have him by my side. If only for a moment.

I would have Bobby, all to myself for that moment. Forever. As long as I live.

I would risk being arrested....Worse yet, death just to have him for that moment.


And that is worth everything.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Tortured

It's hard to watch. Bobby in such obvious pain....And I'm not able to help him. He gets home late...I know he's not sleeping. I know....Because I'm still watching.

He paces....Talking on the phone. I can tell he's angry. But the one thing he feels most must be helplessness.

His hands are tied. There's nothing he can do but ride out the storm and hope his mother doesn't suffer any permanent damage from this little worm bothering her.

But....His being out; did provide me with an opportunity. I went inside his building......A very nice older lady let me in; I helped her with her bags......And I left a note on his door.

"My love....I know I don't deserve to see or talk to you. But I need too, as I'm sure you need to talk to me. Friday.....Six o'clock....The charming little bookstore about two blocks from you."

The courage it took....I can't tell you how terrified I was. I guess the fact that I can feel the fear is comforting anyway.

Hopefully, things will have calmed some by then....And we can get back to things being the way they were.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

....

When I woke up this morning, I realized that I slept the entire night.

I never do that. Nor can I. So, what made last night different?

I feel rejuvenated. I've never felt like this...After sleep.

I still can't figure out why I even was able not be tortured by nightmares. Why I was able to wrap myself up in my blanket and be comforted by my own body heat.

Hmm, I doubt it will ever happened again. But I'll enjoy the feeling while it lasts.

Good day to just curl up with a book.....

Saturday, November 05, 2005

What An Evening

Gah, what an evening. I can't believe the torture I have been put through this evening.

My body is totally exhausted...but I doubt I will find peaceful rest.

Nightmares, like always, will haunt me....

As will the sound of his voice.....

Favors

Do you ever wonder why people do anything for anyone?

You run the risk of being used. Being blamed for all the wrong that can happened. And the backlash of doing good is always the worst.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I think it's true. I learned that a long time ago. I learned what happens when you open yourself to being "a kind soul."

You will be written off as weak or a push over. That you would give anything and everything without a second thought. And that, my friends, is the danger.

Once people see that....They move in for the kill. Like every good predator. Only the strong survive.....

Which is why I became the hunter instead of the hunted......It's easier on this side. More leverage over everyone. And you get to learn all the dark sides and blackest parts of human nature.

That power of taking advantage of someone's weaknesses; it's intoxicating. There's nothing else like it in the world. And anyone that can do it effortlessly has my respect......

Of course....If you have the misfortune of doing that to someone I love....Then God have mercy on your pathetic soul.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Inspiration from the most unlikely places

I would have never thought a little pop song could hold so much weight...But as soon as I heard this today, it perfectly described how I feel.....

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me


Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby


I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy


And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby


I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry


At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away


And everytime I try to fly, I fall

Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby



Thursday, November 03, 2005

I Give Into Peer Pressure

Three Things

Three Names I Go By (Just three?):
1. Nicole
2. Leslie
3. Elisabeth

Three Screen Name I've Had:
1. Like I'm giving that away....
2.
3.

Three Physical Things I Like About Myself:
1. Eyes
2. Legs
3. Hair

Three Physical Things I Don't Like About Myself:
1. Toes
2. My waist
3. Ears

Three Parts Of My Heritage:
1. Australian
2. English
3. God only knows.....

Three Things That Scare Me:
1. Being alone forever
2. The dark
3. Getting caught

Three Everyday Essentials:
1. Lip Gloss
2. Handbag
3. Great shoes

Three Favourite Musical Artists:
1. Led Zepplin
2. Etta James
3. Mariah Carey

Three Favourite Songs:
1. Kashmir
2. At Last
3. Butterfly

Three Things I Want In A Relationship:
1. Intimacy
2. Trust
3. Passion

Three Lies:
1. I love sex with anonymous partners.
2. I hate being questioned by Bobby.
3. I love steak.

Three Truths:
1. I love Bobby; always have.
2. I listen to what people say.
3. I do have a heart, and it isn't black.

Three Physical Things About the Opposite Sex
That Appeal To Me:
1. Soulful eyes
2. Lips
3. Strong hands

Three Favourite Hobbies:
1. Reading
2. Running
3. People watching

Three Things I Want To Do Really Badly Now:
1. Take a bubble bath
2. Enjoy a glass of sherry
3. Bobby....What? It said do.....

Three Careers I've Considered:
1. Teacher
2. Librarian
3. Dancer

Three Place I Want To Go On Vacation:
1. Italy
2. China
3. Pennsylvania

Three Kids Names I Like:
1. Naomi
2. Kaycee
3. Vince

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Find my one true love
2. Have a "normal" family
3. Sleep eight hours

Three Ways I'm Stereotypically A Boy:
1. I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty.
2. I've kissed a few girls.
3. I like a good fight.

Three Ways I'm Stereotypically A Girl:
1. My shoes and handbag always match.
2. I love to get my hair and nails done.
3. I cry at sad movies.

Three Celebrity Crushes:
1. Jude Law
2. Brad Pitt
3. Oscar De La Hoya

Three People I Would Like To See Post This Meme:
1. Anyone
2.
3.