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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Addict

Everyone is addicted to something. Some addictions are worse than others.

Usually when you hear the word "addict," you think of that person you pass by on the street. Thin, shaking, almost out of their mind....They're sick and they don't even know it. Because all they care about is getting their next fix.

Of course, one doesn't have be a drug used to be an addict. Some are addicted to shopping....Beautiful women.....

Anything that you feel like you can't live without and all that matters is when you get to have it again.

I'm addicted to Bobby. Pure and simple. I feel like I can't breathe without seeing him, it's physically painful to be without him.

I have Bobby withdrawal.

Anyone that has ever been an addict can tell you that the withdrawal is the worst part. They dread it the most because it is so painful.

They would rather be addicted to be in physical pain....

The only difference between myself and them is....That I've grown accustomed to the pain. I had hopes that it would fade and I would have him out of my system....But I don't think it's possible.

It's probably why I walk the streets at night. Hoping to sober myself up....And maybe....

Looking for my next fix......

Friday, December 30, 2005

Motive

"Every step I have taken....I have taken in the hope of bringing myself closer to you."

Sayuri said it best. About how you do things subconsciously. To make it work out the way you've always dreamed. Like the fairy tales we were read as children.

Every little girl wants to be the princess and be rescued by Prince Charming, their white knight; handsome, the best means of transportation in all the land, plenty of money...And his future kingdom that is in need of a worthy queen.

But it doesn't work that way. Sometimes your Prince, turns out to be the most wicked warlock in all the land. He casts brilliant spells, he doesn't allow you to see him for what he truly is. Until it's too late....He tortures you; he locks you away....And this time, their is no prince to ride to your rescue.

Sleeping Beauty. Now there's a fairy tale.....A beautiful baby girl, a true princess, is sent away by her parents to protect her. She is raised by fairies (no pun intended for modern day usage of the word)....And purely by chance, she meets the man of her dreams.

But it seems that it isn't meant to be. In finding her one true love....The witch that has sworn to curse the girl finds her. The witch and her minions....Attempting to capture our princess, they capture the prince....The fairies took our girl to meet her parents......

Even though the prince is capture and victory is imminent....The prince escape. He goes through all that trouble to find his fair maiden....Fast asleep. She pricked her finger, just as the witch had promised.....And now, she could only be awakened by true love's first kiss.....

Of course, like a typical fairy tale...He kisses her and she wakes up. The sun is shining, all of God's children are happy.....But let's get real here.....

I always wondered. What if he wasn't her true love? What if it was just lust? What if our prince just wanted to see want the girl had on under that dress huh?

At the end of the day, the prince was just a boy. Thinking with, well....What he knows best. Testosterone always will fuel his decisions.....That's why he's so brave. Altruism is long believed to excite women (why do you think we're drawn to soldiers....Firefighters.....Policemen.....Those who would give their life for a stranger)

I bet Prince Charming is actually that. I bet he's rude. He probably does nothing but sit on his bum all day and whine about how fat his legs look in his tights....

Maybe that's just me. But I refuse to wait around for some Prince to bring me into reality....

Even though...I know where my prince is.

Don't misunderstand. I know in my heart that it could never be. Maybe if we only had hours left to live...But even then......He would not go easily.

I need, more that anything, for him to be happy. Or at least satisfied. And I would never do anything to jeopardize that.

But of course.....I'm still not fond of the idea....Or him servicing the help.....

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Four Letter Words

"Fuck is a four letter word. Rape is a four letter word. Wife is a four letter work. Love is a four letter word.

Fuck is a curse. So is love."

(and a virtual quarter to anyone who knows where that comes from)

I got to thinking about four letter words today. Most of the time they are curses. All of them......

Being someone's wife basically means you have to spend the rest of your life putting up with their behavior, having their children, keeping house...And getting little to no thanks for it.

Sounds like being a slave to me....See what a difference one letter makes.

Rape is a curse. It turns you into a victim. You lose the ability to connect to anyone. Every man is the enemy. They're only out to hurt you. And women, well....They'll know. They'll talk about you. How sad it is.....

Pity. That's all you get.....Another four letter word.

But love. Love is the most exquisite curse of all. Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.

Time....So precious. And another four letter word. It's the one thing there never seems to be enough of. How many times have you heard someone say that they would give anything for more time with a loved one.....

Fear. There's a powerful four letter word. It's crippling. People live their entire lives in it....And it's often a prison most cannot hope to be paroled from.....

Life. We're in this one everyday....Yet we seem to forget how to live most times.....

And then there's the opposite.....Dead. Finality of that four letter word. It's just....Well, it is. And it changes other peoples lives once that word is uttered....

Four letters.....Who ever thought they could mean so much.....

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Bliss

How's that for a bar name? I swear, places in New York can have some of the most misleading names....

It was someplace different...I figured I could hide. Anyplace that had liquor at that point was perfect. And I thought...With a name like that, maybe I could find a moment of said bliss....

Mostly I was wrong. There were several attractive men prowling....But I wasn't in the mood. So, I just watched....

And then I saw her. Laughing, drinking, having a good time....With some man, who wasn't Bobby. *which, incidentally, made me very happy* Chloe'....And she looked very, liberated. That's a polite way to say it.

I struggled with myself. I didn't want to even mess with her....But. I saw her attempt to walk upright as she was leaving...And I kept her from bashing that face on the floor. I probably should have let her fall....But that wouldn't have been polite....

She kept saying that she could make it. That she was just a little dizzy. She nearly fell again trying to hail a cab....I told her to at least let me ride with her...Because she wasn't able to stand...

She didn't say no...Probably because she ignored me.....But I got into the cab with her. And she screamed her address to that poor driver.....And she was complaining the whole time about work....Men....So I played along....And kept thinking....This is too easy.....

When the cab stopped outside her building....I paid her fare. Thought that was the least I could do. She thanked me again. I told her that I would wait outside to make sure she got up to her place alright....

Then she hugged me.....Asked me my name.....And I whispered in her ear......

"Nicole.... But you should know that by now, love."

She staggerd back a bit. But I'm sure she didn't quite get it....Probably because she hadn't yet made the connection. She's kind of a bright person, she'll get it later. And that knowledge made me smile.

I kept thinking about all the possibilities as I waited for her to show me where to focus my energy. She turned on her light and I saw her....Stumbling about her place. I laughed....

I actually tried to behave myself and the things just fall into my lap.

But I will have to remember to send the dear girl something.....For that headache she has....

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Alone again...

You would think after spending so much time alone. I would be used to it. That the quiet would just be fine and I would enjoy it.

You would be wrong.

The quiet allows me to hear my own thoughts. My owns fears...Even if they only speak in a faint whisper. And last time I listened to the whispers...I ended up with a broken hand.

I chased Kelly away. Even though he's a weasel, he was good at keeping me company. I miss our encounters. Don't misunderstand....I know it was all false but some of that emotion, had to be real.

The eyes, the heart. It doesn't lie. Perhaps Kelly's problem is that he loves too much and too freely....Maybe that's why he's prone to stray...

No creature is monogamous by nature. Especially not humans....

So why do we go through the dating game? Why try to find a mate for life if we aren't meant to by nature? Because society makes those of us that are alone feel like less of a person.

It's awkward to eat alone. Drink alone. Go out alone. It's easier if you have someone to spend your time with....Even if it's just a close friend....

I think the need for companionship is just another example of God's cruel sense of irony.

Most would think I'm angry at God. After the miserable life I've had....After losing my daughter to violence.....

I'm not. I just understand. And there's peace in that. Nothing is more precious than the love of your child. It's perfect and unconditional.....All they want is for you to love and care for them. It's basic.....

While searching for my soul.....I sat with a priest...Discussing these horrors I endured...I asked that man "Where was God....Where was He when my daughter died?"

He said the most profound thing...."The same place He was when His own son died."

And then I realized.....His son loved Him the way all children love their parents. So, I came to this conclusion.....

The reason that God allows us to experience unconditional love....Is to understand heart-wrenching pain.

....That being said....I need a drink.....Or seven....

Monday, December 26, 2005

I Love It When They're Stupid

I received the phone call today. Kelly was furious....Ranting and raving like a howler monkey....I had to try and not laugh at him.

I think I sold him on, "Well, she must have seen us out together" story. Of course, I had to tell him that it was he the made the mistake, not I. After all, I wasn't married....

Before I hung up...I told him to ask about me at work...And to use my real name. (That's right, I told him I'm Nicole Wallace, surprised?) I assured him Detective Goren would fill him in.....And to tell you the truth I hope he does.....

But he's of little concern to me....I've got Botox ridden fish to fry....

Isabella Manning. I would say that she and I were cut from the same cloth. But if I were to dress like a frigid bitch, I wouldn't want to look so uncomfortable. She disturbs me....I know what kind of person she is. She doesn't fool me....

And I'm sure she'll be telling us all how much better she knows him than I....All that song and dance....Whatever she tells herself to get through the day.

I'm on my way with her....The game has only begun and I have made only a few small moves. Over the next few days, I'll be getting ready for yet another brilliant effort on my behalf....

Most of you would whine about me being self-centered....That it's actually not all about me....Well, maybe. But the greater majority of it IS about me.

But that's my hold over him. I went through a good deal of time and trouble...And a great deal of risk to secure this....

And I'm not letting go anytime soon......

I'm A Survivor

After much hiding....I can say. I survived Christmas. No phone calls...No one to bother me. No gifts. No happy, singing, feel-good specials....

It's not for me.

But you know, if you think about it. I believe that Christmas truly makes one more prone to committing a murder. I'm sure if I was forced to spend the entire day with my family...People that I loathe more than anything....I would begin to wonder....

"How can I kill them and get away with it? No one will miss them if I get them all....."

Don't deny you've NEVER thought this about at least one member of your family. Maybe even your spouse....

Speaking of....I wonder if Kelly's wife has "broken the news to him"? I suppose I'll know soon enough. And to be honest, I hope she tells him that I told her. That he isn't even man enough to admit to cheating on his wife.....Destroying his family.

Oh well. It's no longer my problem...I did the right thing. Yet again. And because of it....Someone's world is going to crash down....

Just not mine for once....And all it took was my fist fighting with the wall....

A small price to pay......

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Silly Me

I should have known it....Isabella Manning. How could I have forgotten her?

She was actually quite personable to me. At least until she read what I was charged with. I think that if I hadn't be accused of something so heinous....She and I would have got on quite well.....

She reminds me a lot of myself. Not afraid to get what she wants....But not dependent on anyone. And plus, we have the same taste in men.

Now that I think about it, I recall thinking that there was something between her and Bobby. Not that it would surprise me. She's a beautiful woman. He enjoys being surrounded by beauty....Just would have made sense.

Actually, I thought that maybe that had dated...But when. She seemed far to busy....As is he....So when could either of them had found the time?

I know what it is between them. And there's nothing wrong with that....They're both adults who know what they need and expect...But she didn't count on one thing.

That attorney she works with....Carver, that's his name....Couldn't convince a jury to convict an innocent woman. Too bad for Isabella....

If I was locked away, for no good reason, I wouldn't mind anyone spending time with Bobby. But I'm not locked away......And he belongs to me.

And I only do what I need to do to protect myself......And my loved ones.

Let the games begin....Oh and Happy Holidays......

While they still can last for you......

Friday, December 23, 2005

Strange

Last night, I got the strangest phone call.

I was expecting Kelly. But it was his wife....It almost makes me regret giving her my number.

But....She again thanked me for being honest. She wanted to tell me that she would pray for me (going to take a lot more than that)....And that she wasn't going to talk to Kelly until after the first of the year.

I found this odd. If I knew that my husband was cheating on me....I wouldn't be able to wait to corner him about it.

But I guess that's what makes her different from me. I asked her why....Why she wouldn't want to rid herself of this worthless excuse for a man.....Her answer was simple.

"For my kids. I can't ruin Christmas for them...At least not this year."

At least I understood that. I would never want to ruin a magical time for them.

After I hung up, I decided that I would go out....People watch....Christmas time always fascinates me....People rushing around at the last minute and all.....

And then I saw her again....That woman that Bobby was with the other night. Only this time...She was chatting up Detective Logan. So, I decided to listen from an adjoining isle....

"You and Bobby seem to really enjoy each other's company....."

Smooth Detective.....

"You know how that is with people you work with, Mike. Sometimes they're the only ones that get it...."

Work with? I don't think she's a detective...Look at her shoes. Not sensible.

"So, he gets it from you..."

"I didn't say that. We just. Are comfortable with each other that's all."

Hmm, I'm sure I understood what that means. As did Detective Logan. I watched them keep chatting.....And I still can't fight the feeling that I've seen that woman before....I just can't place her.

But what I can tell you about her is....She's nobody's girlfriend...She doesn't behave like one. She's something else.....

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Shards Of Me

I woke this morning, and did everything like I always do. I took a shower....I fixed my hair....I got dressed....But when I stopped to look in the mirror....

I saw something new in myself. Something I never wanted to be....I'm the woman responsible for helping ruin a family. Don't get me wrong here. Kelly is the one most at fault...But here I am. Encouraging him. What can I offer him? He'll know who I really am one day...I'd be foolish to think that he would even stay around after he knows the truth.....

I'm angry at him. I don't know his wife...I don't know his children. But what I do know is that they don't deserve this. If he didn't want them, he had a choice....And he choose me. Nicole Wallace, alleged killer....Damaged goods....Home-wrecker....

Before I could stop myself.....I threw my fist through the mirror, and stopped when I hit the wall behind it. A little out of character. Usually my rage has a tight lid on it. I guess that I just needed a release....And the pain I felt as my fist was throbbing from the impact of the wall....It's just what I deserved.

Of course, the pain was excruciating. I knew right away I needed medical attention....If not for the pain...The cuts in my arm....Pretty deep. As I pulled my hand away, there were still little pieces of mirrored glass standing....

I thought it showed my true self....Shattered. Broken. Wounded.


I sat in an emergency room for six hours.....They said I got lucky. That is was only a stress fracture in my hand. And that I needed a few stitches for the cuts....And asked who I got in a fight with.....

"The wall."

Enough said I take it. I guess I was lucky....Since it was my left hand.....I can still write. And type one-handed......

Well, as I was sitting here at home. Feeling so stupid for having done this....I realized that this. This thing with Kelly and I wasn't right at all. And that I needed to do the right thing.

I made a phone call to New Jersey. A very nice woman answered, which I just knew was his wife....I asked if it was....Then she asked where I got the number.

I told her who I was, her husband's mistress. And that I didn't want to be that anymore. That they guilt was eating me alive.

She asked how long we'd been seeing each other....I told her only a few weeks. But that we had been out on dates several times. Even to the detective's ball....

There was this silence...But I know I heard her trying to fight tears. She said, "he told me that he had to work that night....That he thought I didn't want to go,"....Like dressing up for this affair was something she really needed....

She wasn't angry with me, for calling at least. I know your husband's mistress isn't exactly best mates material. But I explained everything to her.....And that I was done with him....Because of what he was doing to her and his children.

She thanked me for calling. For telling her the truth. I hung up...And felt. Liberated.

Now...I'm just waiting for that phone call from him.....What fun that will be....

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Round Two

Last night, I gave Kelly the opportunity to be honest....Of course not letting on that I know the truth....And he came close.

Said that he was married a long time ago. No kids...That his wife went on a lot of business trips. And then, he tried to convince me that she cheated on him. He even fought back some fake tears. God, it was pathetic.

Then I asked him where he thought this relationship was going. He didn't know. He said he liked spending time with me....And we were doing something right somewhere. By somewhere he meant the sexual aspect of it......

And I would have to agree. Normally for me, sex is just going through the motions. Nothing. I feel nothing....But with him, it's. Thrilling. I feel alive again. It makes me wonder about the irony of it all...Is it because we are connected so well on that level....Or is it because I'm not supposed to be with him?

Either way, I need him to fulfill my needs....And letting go of someone who can give me the pleasure I've craved for so long...I would be crazy to ruin it.

We spent most of the night *enjoying each other's company* (the details would make a porn star blush). After I determined that he couldn't take anymore....I took the game to another level....

"I know. About your wife. Don't deny it. I gave you the opportunity to come clean and you lied. What would your children think about Daddy....Lying to Mommy about where he is...Who he's with?"

He sat in stunned silence. I could see he didn't quite know what to do....So, I proposed a solution.....

"I will not be the other woman. I have a problem with someone trying to have a relationship with two people at the same time. But. I have no problems at all being a very close friend....If you want something, need something....Call. If you need someone at your side.....Call. But don't pretend I'm your girlfriend.....Do not attempt to break my heart....Or I will break you. Do you understand?"

"Completely."

Good, you fool. As he turned to leave, he said that his wife really did have many a trip out of town. And that no one he worked with has ever seen his wife....In person anyway. That she didn't satisfy him anymore.....And that if she ever found out about his many affairs.....She would take him for every dime he had....And then his balls.

I closed the door.....And thought what fun it would be to see that. And then again, let the rat squirm some more.....He deserves it. It's my call when this ends. When he's lived out his usefulness...And I get to be the one to throw him away....

Oh, I bet you're all wondering about that little gift Bobby received this morning.....How did I get it in there.....When.....

It's all about timing.....And several wigs.....

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Feeling More Like...Myself

Here I am, once again....Engaged in a battle of wits...Too bad my opponent isn't as bright as I am. He called today....Wanted arrange something for tomorrow night.....

Now, I wanted to say no. Go home to your wife....But, a little romp can always do one some good. So, we agreed that tomorrow night he would come to my place....We would *enjoy* each other's company. And enjoy his company I always do. Wonder if that wife of his knows how talented he is? Probably not....He probably feels more free when he's with me.

Most pets are the most uninhibited off their leashes.

Let me also say that I don't really have any problems being a friend with benefits.....But I don't want the strings attached. It's just pointless.....

I will find the right time to let Kelly know. And if he actually just wants to be "friends"....That would be alright by me. But no more of this pretending to be a happy couple...Let's not make more of this than what it is. Just be glad to have what you do and leave it at that.

Speaking of have....I been so tied up in this stressful moment....I want to have a little fun...Perhaps tonight....Go out on the hunt.....Acquire a target to inflict myself on....I think I have just the one.....

As a side note....I find myself wondering who was with Bobby last night.....She looked familiar......Hmm, I'm sure in the near future, I'll have it all figured out.

Monday, December 19, 2005

It's Just How Things Are

I of all the people on this God forsaken planet shouldn't ever complain about being lied to. After all I've said to people....But very rarely do I open myself up to people. Think about it....

How many people can say they KNOW me? One, almost two...And that's it. For good reason. I'm easily misunderstood.

But this. This deception. It's incredible that I couldn't smell it a mile away.

Let me say, that I never intend on being second place. Ever. It will be me, and me alone. I refuse to be "the other woman" or "just a friend".....It's all or nothing.

Now, I didn't trust my first instinct with Kelly. I didn't look up his background....So much is public record in this country. I tried to push way the instinct...But I have to protect myself for anyone or anything that could ruin what I've got right at this moment.

And what I found.....I would never stood this low....

He's married. My perfect man....Who just seems to be what I need. Is married. With three children no less.

He actually doesn't live in the city. He lives in New Jersey. Apparently, he just stays in the city for work....Then goes to his family in Jersey when time allows.....

Oh, so...He lives a separate life here in Manhattan, and then it's back to normal on the weekends and sometime during the week.

I've heard every man needs a woman in his life....But he has a spare. Or one for each life he leads. I guess that just depends on how you look at it.

I called him today and told him there was something that we needed to discuss. He agreed to stop by my apartment after work...Around seven or so.

I waited anxiously for him....Toying with how I was going to let him have it and throw him out of my life. And then it dawned on me, what fun would it be to let him know that I found out the truth....I mean, he doesn't even know the truth about me.....

So, I decided it was time for a little game.

When he arrived, there was a clear look of worry on his face. I think he was certain his cover had be blown. But I quickly shifted the mood....I told him that I wanted to talk to him about my experience with Detective Goren, although I must admit it felt strange to refer to Bobby in that manner....

I told him that Bobby and I had a very odd connection. That we have a hard time letting each other out of our sights. And that we still have strong feelings for each other. All of which, in some way or another, is true.

He said that he understood....That it was hard loving someone else when you aren't supposed to....And that he was willing to still be with me. In our relationship....

I wanted to laugh and punch him in the face all at the same time. Instead I thanked him for being so understanding.....He checked his watch....Said that he had to be in early in the morning.

As I showed him out.....I told him to ask Bobby about me, Nicole...Tomorrow if at all possible....He said that he would.....

I closed the door, and I smiled. I had the upper hand. I felt like I was winning....Winning this battle with this. Pathetic excuse for a liar.

I thought a drink was in order. Well, several drinks....

And as I sat that bar.....Glass turned up.....Who do you think I saw......

Instead of engaging him (I was definitely far too exhausted to play) I left. But I did notice a woman with him....And not that imp that was his date....Wonder who she is....

Oh well, that's for another day......

It's Not That I Don't Trust Him

I just can't. I really didn't want to....But I looked into Kelly's background....And I'm almost sorry that I did.

.....I can't believe I missed.....I should have known. Too good to be true.....I'm shocked. And it must really be something if I'm shocked.

I'm calling him. Arrange a meeting tonight....This is something I can't let slide......

Just figures.

Deja Vu

Unsettling nightmares.....His voice haunts every moment....I'm there in that room again.....We're in this conversation....I'm listening to those words all over again.

".....The decent part of Nicole. That's hidden in that bunker you call a heart."

Like I'm incapable of feeling anything at all. That everything about me is darkness. Please, he of all people knew better than that....And I didn't even say one word to change his mind.....

"Remember the last time you sat here...."

Vividly. Every moment in that room seems like a recurring dream. One that never has an ending.....

"You confronted the truth. It hurt."

I try and tell him that I'm ready to confront it again....But it's not going to be easy....But. I can't. My lips won't let the words come out.

"So. You had to shoot the messenger....Is that it?"

I tell him no....That all I wanted him to understand is just how I felt. What he did to me. That no one does that to me and gets away with it.....

"If I could be wrong about Dan Croyden, how could I be right about you?

Of course, I reply. That was the logic behind it. But I see now that I was mistaken. That I should have never done it. And that I was sorry for the embarrassment. And that I wanted forgiveness......

"Well, you blew it Nicole! You're one chance for happiness....."

I haven't. I'm happy now.....

"How long do you think this little game with Kelly will last? How long do you think it will take him to figure out who you really are Nicole?"

Well....That's new.....As long as it can, Bobby. But I'm happy now. I haven't blown anything.

"One chance and you always come back to me. That's the price of denial."

He leans right next to my ear and whispers, "you're left with nothing. Not even me."

Places a kiss on my cheek....Then.....

I wake up. I'm drenched in sweat. Freezing as I sit and type this.....

I need a shower.....And a sleeping pill.......




Sunday, December 18, 2005

First Time For Everything

Just out of your morbid curiosity....I did stay at Kelly's last night. And, for once, nothing happened. We just talked.....He held me while I slept. Comforted me when my nightmares surfaced....Held me close, wiped away my tears, tried to ease what terror was in my heart.

You know, no one has ever done that for me. My whole life. I was always left to figure out my feelings for myself. Even as a child, I had to realize what I feared and find a way to conquer it. I guess that's translated into my adulthood.

I wanted to push him away. Because the feeling was foreign to me. But he wouldn't let me. Just locked his arms in and rocked me, just like you would an infant. To be honest, it actually helped. I was lulled back into dreamland by his voice, telling me it was okay....That it wasn't real....Sleep.

This morning, he asked about it. What was it that haunted my darkest hours....I just told him it was part of a very long story, that wasn't really meant for breakfast. He didn't push, he just left it at that.

He decided to change the subject and asked me what the "N" stood for....My alias' middle name. Oddly enough, no one's every asked that.....So, I just found an easy way out.

"Nicole. That's usually what I go by....Irene. So old fashioned."

He laughed and asked how I thought he felt. His middle name is Antonio. He said it was "way to Italian for it's own good" and Kelly was a better choice. Then he agreed that since no one actually called me by my first name...That he had no choice but to follow suit.

We sat on his couch and ate breakfast. He was telling me all about work. What he was doing.....His co-worked. He told me that Detective Logan broke his own hand in a fit of rage.....When I asked if he personally knew Logan, he said it was more like he heard about him....But that's about it.

And then. He said that name. Goren.

He told me that Bobby got some package and was obviously shaken up. And that no one but the pet and his captain has seen what was in it. Thought it must have been bad. He's never seen him lose his cool. He just wished he could help...."The guy's got a lot on his shoulders."

To which I said, "Detective Goren always has a lot on his mind.....And no time for anyone to waste a second of his time."

Must have been a dead give away. He asked it, "Is that the detective you had a bad experience with?"

"You got it."

"Well, he has to be an idiot to let you out of his reach. Catching you....Best thing to happen in a long time."

.....I hear I'd be quite the catch for someone.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Pain. Something I know well.

There was something said about my inability to have children. Well, if you must know.....That that you care....As a result of being beaten, amongst other unspeakable acts....It's caused too much damage. I can never have another child. That bastard kills my daughter and then takes away the chance to have another.

How's that for twisted and sick?

I'm sure some think that it was doing a public service. But what about what that actually means to me? Someone took the one thing away from me that I had left....Maybe that was the final straw.

Maybe that's what made me decide that I was nothing more than just an object. To be used. Thrown out with the garbage when you're finished. I'm like a scooter-great ride, but for God's sake don't let anyone see you on it.

I never imagined I could be normal...Whatever normal is. And then, Kelly comes along and makes it seem within reach......

And then, there's the inevitable discovery....He'll some day know how and what I am.....It would take awhile...I'm sure the file on me is enormous. One day, he'll know...It will end, and so will my normal.

I just want it to last as long as it can. Leave me with something pleasant....

It just occurred to me....I never have looked into Kelly's background....Must be some reason why I haven't......I'll make it a point to do that sometime this week....Tell you all about it. Just to prove what a nice person he is.

Speaking of....I have a date.....I'm not sure what he has planned...But I'm bringing extra clothes this time.....

Friday, December 16, 2005

Disturbing Pet Tricks And Other Useful Information

Let me start with a little definition of jealous...For those of us that are confused...."Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
Inclined to suspect rivalry. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness."


That's not me....At all. But there is part of that definition that does seem to suit me...."Vigilant in guarding something. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic"

That means I fit less than half of the criteria. Which means that I'm not jealous. Merely. Watching out for a loved one. I do hate it so when those we love get hurt. And I've never said anything out and out hurtful to the woman/girl/child he's seeing....Just helping to bring her into reality. That's all.

Sooner or later she will have to realize that it's difficult to love someone who doesn't own all their heart. They've given so much of it to so many....And when it's your turn to take something they so freely give to strangers...Somehow. It doesn't mean so much.....You will suffer with the notion of it all. We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love. I should know.

You will fight.....You will cry....And plead to be the only woman in his life....But that can never be....For various reasons. And it will end, not badly mind you. He would never treat any woman with disrespect...And you'll be glad to have had the time. You'll still be friends with him...But it will be awkward.

And in the back of your mind....You'll wonder..."Is it her? Is he so afraid that she would come after me.....That she would destroy us...."

Well, he said it himself. He is. I think as long as I'm alive.....Oh, I'll even haunt him after death. That's MY power, sweetheart and all I had to do was talk to him....Not wave my femininity in his face. The sound of my voice, that's all it takes.

Just telling you how it is.....The truth. Tit for tat....Welcome to the game. If you don't play by the rules and are a naughty little girl....A spanking...But you won't like it....

Oh, what a segue....Spanking and liking it....Detective...The pet...Eames....And her slave Logan. I must share a little...Well, sort of little detail....

You would think Detective Logan, being that "macho" type would have been taking control of the situation...But the pet....She must play the piano, with the way her hands where moving, like a pro (not that type of pro either)....Impressive what she can do to a person....With just a stroke....

It just amazed me that he followed her so. Did everything she asked of him...No questions. And then it dawned on me, why she and Bobby get along so famously .....She's a mommy...Well, an incubator...But she had a child none the less. He's very protective of mommies....I could understand why.....

Either way. Freud would have a field day....

Well, I really should sleep.....I have an early morning jog with Kelly....He's been hanging around a lot since Wednesday....Perhaps I should say it's amazing what stroking can do for a person....


Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Things You Can Learn....

Sorry I haven't discussed the evening sooner.....But I'll explain.

First off, let me just say that is it fairly odd to walk the streets of New York in an evening dress. You would have thought that I would be better planned for any evening...But I didn't expect that I would go home with him. And early I might add.....

People do give you strange looks dressed like I was. That plus the tell-tale smile on my face. Guess Italians make better lovers.....

Anyway, this party. You would think the last place I would have wanted to be is in a room full of detectives, but you would have been mistaken. I got to see everyone in their own element....Kind of like going to the zoo.

Kelly was kind enough to point out a former girlfriend...Olivia. Said she was hard to handle. But then, I saw her date.....Wow. I've never been partial to blue eyes, but that one. I can see reflection of recent pain in them. Makes me want to help him make it better.....Kelly said it was her partner. Some girls have all the luck.

We sat down at our table, which was but an arm's length away from....Well, Bobby....His pet....And a few I didn't know.

And I saw Bobby's date....Not unfortunate, but looks young. Maybe it was the lighting. Listening to them chat....I think I developed a cavity over that. But it was worth sitting that close. I got to hear his voice, smell him.....

I was day dreaming with this creepy photographer came by and took a picture of Kelly and I. I almost panicked, but realized that it could be used to my advantage later. Then he would know....

I asked Kelly who the pet....Eames, that's her name.....Whom she was with. He told me Logan. That.....Is The Logan. I should have known....And they certainly looked friendly.

Even though I was trying to keep to myself.....I saw Eames and Logan start to disappear....Everyone else seemed to not notice. Well, I excused myself and followed. At a safe distance of course....

I found out where they were hiding. And well they should have for what they were doing. I wondered if there wasn't some law about lewd acts in public......But I decided to do what I do best....Take control of the situation.

I found that photographer....Told her I had something worth more than a thousand words for her and she gladly followed. When I showed her....She started taking pictures of them....And all of a sudden, she shrieked and took of in tears, leaving her camera behind.

The pet and Logan...Didn't seem to care.

I knew I had to get this evidence to the proper people......So, I took the film out of the camera and calmly walked back to my table. I slipped it into my handbag before any saw. I told Kelly that I thought it was time to go....Plus, getting discovered really would have spoiled what I've got planned.

I only gave into one temptation before I left......While Bobby was intently speaking to his date. I ran my fingers across his shoulders and kept walking. I saw him look around and shrug it off.....Well, at least he knew someone reached out to touch him.


When morning came, I remembered that "good morning" is American for get out. Or at least that was my experience. But Kelly assured me that I was welcome for as long as I like. Instead, I told him that I probably needed to get back to my place....And get normal clothes. He offered to give me a ride.....I politely refused but said it was appreciated. He then insisted that I stop by to have lunch with him today....And early one.....Eleven.

I agreed....Said I would be ready for everything by then.

So, upon arriving home. I took a shower. Got dressed......And then I made a stop at one of the thousand one hour photo places in the city. While I waited, I thought of all the fun that would come from this....And wrote it all down.

Once they were done......I noticed a picture where I was just barely in frame. I thought that was enough show for anyone. I took out the one with Kelly and I in it.....Put the rest in an envelope, along with my regards.....And took a cab to meet Kelly.

At work. Now, mind you....I kept a low profile. I had to wait a few minutes.....So, that was all the time I needed to deliver my package....Hopefully he'll open it sometime this afternoon.....

Kelly finally came over to me and grabbed his things and escorted towards the elevator. But disaster almost struck.....Guess who I almost ran right into?

Would have spoiled my lunch.....

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Now What Did I Do With My Glass Slippers......

It's been a busy morning. But I thought I'd take a minute to update/check in. Not that you care.

Well, I have a BIG date with Kelly this evening. I mean, formal affair...Dress, hair, nails, make-up....Everything. I'm terribly excited about it all. I feel like a teenager. I think the anticipation is the worst part about it all.

Anyways, I was awoken very early this morning. I just had fallen back asleep around seven-ish when there was someone knocking on my door. I thought it was strange....But someone must have let them in. I answered and sitting on my doorstep (of sorts. This is New York) was a lovely bouquet of star gazer lilies...My personal favorite. With this note attached.....

"Here's to gazing at any heavenly body. Anywhere. See you tonight, gorgeous. K."

It was very unexpected.....So, I thought I would call him and say thank you. He answered and said he was on his way to work and wanted to drop those by. Apparently, he saw them and remembered me mentioning that I loved them. I told him that is wasn't necessary....But he begged to differ.

Then he asked if I wanted to drop by to visit him again....For lunch. He even promised that we wouldn't have to hide out in his squad room again. I laughed and said around eleven thirty or so....He laughed and promised he would be around.

We said our see you later's and hung up. And I looked over at those flowers.....And sighed. Like I hadn't let the breath out since I was talking to him. But something....I have this sinking feeling. I can't fight it. Maybe it's just me being paranoid.

Usually when men start being very nice to me is when it starts to go bad......But maybe this time it's different.

Oh well, lots to do.....Have to be ready....I'm not lucky enough to have a fairy god-mother to whip me into shape for the evening......

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Wonder What That's Like

I overhear many a conversation. About people's lives. And there so much I hear that I wish I knew about. But the one thing I wish I knew about was having a sibling.

I know what you're all thinking. Thank the Lord above that there isn't another Wallace running amuck....

But I hear so many people speak of their brothers and sisters. I see so many children squabbling with their brothers and sisters...Just for spite. I'm jealous. I'll never have that. And I wish I knew what that was like.....

Kelly. He has two older brothers and a younger sister. The brothers are actually twins...So that makes Kelly "the middle surprise" as he deemed it. I'm sure he gets so agitated with me asking so many questions about growing up with them....He always sums it up with.....

"I hated it when I was a kid. But as soon as we all grew up, and got out of the house, we learned that we needed each other....That it's not so bad. And that we would always be there. If we needed someone to lean on. That's what family's for."

Gee, that all. One more thing that makes me less "normal." At least for the moment, I have him to lean on. He can be my shelter from the storms in the deep recesses of my mind.....

For as long as that can last.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

You Can See It Everywhere

Sorry I haven't graced you all with my presence lately. I had a date last evening. And I didn't want to interrupt my evening to "write in my diary." Not that I didn't want to. But I actually didn't have much access to....Oh well, details. Details.

I received an email....With an interesting passage in it. And I agree that it did sound like I wrote it....If you didn't know better. Here, see for your selves....

"Beneath lies no smugness, no complaisance. Beneath dwell, the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide that, I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind-a nonchalant, sophisticated facade-to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that he knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love"

It's amazing that someone else knows the torture that is my life. It's almost comforting in its own way.

I actually slept most of last evening......Not completely. It's not a night without me waking up in cold sweats, screaming.....Once again, details. Details I don't care to type out.

That's enough for now....I think I need a walk. To clear my head...So much on my mind. The cold air will sober me up......

Thursday, December 08, 2005

You Would Need A Crowbar

A rather interesting point was brought to my attention. How does Kelly not know who I am? After all, I'm almost a regular in their squad room. For awhile there, I was thinking they should give me a desk.

Maybe he doesn't know because he doesn't choose to. And maybe he just hasn't mentioned me to the one person who would know in an instant who I was. And when that little conversation takes place, Kelly and I.....Whatever was potentially possible will all come to an end.

But in all honesty. I don't think many of those detectives have read the book on me. I'm sure it's always in Bobby's possession.

I can picture him. Sitting at home, vodka in one hand....Those files in the other. Rehashing every last detail of the cases. Watching tapes of the interrogations....Hoping that there's something he can learn....For next time. So he can catch me and put me away for good.

But he doesn't find anything. He couldn't. I only let him see what I want him to. Instead, he discovers that he pays more attention to the video of our little chats. His own voice fades and all he can hear is mine. Because, that's what he wants. To be near me again. To hear my voice explain everything.....In a way that only I can.

He finally catches himself and turns it off. But he's always left wondering.....When will she show up again.....Secretly desiring for one more chance to be in my presence....

Well, it is the giving season......

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

As Deep As A Mud Puddle

And this title isn't just another one of those American phrases that pops up in everyday life.

As I was getting my nails done today...That's all I could think....I'm shallow. I dress up this package with great details. I make sure that everything about me on the outside is perfect. That everyone will want me.....

And then, they discover what they wanted, or thought they wanted, was baggage. Tons of it. All of it worthless.

So, I wonder. Why is it that Kelly always wants to see me....What is it about me that draws men in?

It's not the gift; it's the packaging. Very appropriate for this time of year. But in all great seriousness, it is. Have you glanced at an attractive package under the tree and secretly hoped it was for? Because it looked the best.....Even if the gift was terrible. At least it looks nice at the time.

That's me alright. An accessory. I'm a handbag that goes with those wonderful shoes.

As I finished up with the nails, I called Kelly. Just to see if he was free for the evening. He said that he had to work late....But I was welcome to come by his office, you know, bring him dinner and all.....Plus, he wanted to show some of the female detectives that he worked his date.....

He told me where to find it....Oh, how I wish I didn't know already. And I admit. I was tempted. I wanted to badly to walk into that building.....Just the thought that I could be seen was almost too good to resist.....

But I politely refused. He said that he would call me tomorrow after work, so we could arrange something. I hung up....And I wanted to kick myself.

Despite what anyone thinks, I'm not seeing Kelly to get to Bobby.....At least not directly....What I mean is...I don't think I am.

Am I?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Dear Diary

"If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screaming out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to."

Just felt suiting. About this "diary" of sorts.....

I had a diary as a little girl. I put down all the thoughts and feelings that I knew I could never tell anyone else. And I remember how good that felt....Putting it down on paper; experiencing it. About my first love.....About rain...About death. About any old thing at all.

Maybe that's the problem with we adults. We don't write anything down anymore. Perhaps we're just too busy with living life than trying to experience life....Feel life. Maybe we know what love is and we don't think we should write about something we can't or shouldn't have.

It could make us jealous...Depressed. Obsessed. Any of the latter.

But I, for one, am glad to be writing it all down. For the world to see.....Let's me know I'm alive. And it gives me a way to look at myself in a window of time. Let's me see where I've been.

For example, if Kelly and I don't work out....And it goes sour. I have these wonderful words to remind me of what I truly felt. I won't be left with just bitter, cold memories but kind words that held all my emotion at that time.

And then, there's Bobby. Most would say I need to "get over him" or "move on"....I can't. Probably one piece of me will always be a part of him as well. A sensible person would try and forget....Of course, since when have I been sensible?

This diary allows me to write what I know to be the truth about what I think and feel. And a chance for him to maybe read what I don't have the courage to say.

Call it a practice run......

Monday, December 05, 2005

Even God Took A Day Off

I decided yesterday that I would rest. Do absolutely nothing. Just for one day. See how it would make me feel.

And it felt strange, but wonderful. When I'm tucked away in my apartment. All to myself. I don't have the worries that I normally do when I'm walking down the street. No glancing around, hoping. No disappointment.....Just me. And not much else.

I began thinking about what the coming weeks have to offer. What could happened with Kelly....It's been my experience that any relationship I have goes sour after a few weeks....But part of me would really like this to continue.

And I wondered....Did Bobby know about it? I mean, they do work in the same office. He could overhear him....Or he could talk with him. Assuming of course, they know each other. Which, there is some part of me that hopes they do....I'm not sure why, but I do.

As I was lost in my own thoughts, the sound of the phone jolted me back to reality. It was Kelly. He just wanted me to know that he had a wonderful time and that he would love to do it again. I guess I made a good impression....

I told him that I had a great time, too. And that I would love to go out again as well. He suggested that we go dancing Tuesday night....He knows this great little place. Said it was a little dark, but it added to the mood of it. I said that sounded interesting.

And then he asked if I knew how to tango....Which I do. He said that was perfect and that he would pick me up around 6 or so.

As I hung up the phone, I thought. Of course I know how to tango you silly boy. I've been locked in a metaphorical tango for years now. Constantly switching leads.....But always ending up inches from his face. Longing to press my lips against his....Always denied. Always left empty.

So, I sat on my couch and let my mind conjure up an image of Bobby and I doing the tango....I could see the expressions of everyone watching. And us being oblivious to it. And it just continues on. We don't see the shock and horror of the crowd. We just hear and feel the beating of our hearts. Wondering when we can switch partners.

Instead, we go on. We end up in the same pattern. Constantly moving in circles.

Just waiting for it to end.....

Sunday, December 04, 2005

He Called

I've been waiting to type this one. Separate from the game. Because...This. This isn't about him....Well, maybe a little. But not for the most part.

This afternoon, I was sitting, reading, and then....My phone rang. It was my wonderful officer from last night. He asked if I was free for the evening and would like to join him for dinner, and anything else that would come our way. And he wanted to me to come as soon as possible. I agreed....And wrote down where we were to me.

After I hung up, I began the ritual of making myself ready for a dinner with this gorgeous specimen. Hair, make-up....My nails still looked presentable. The clothes....Not to hard. I decided on a sweater, with a pair of jeans. And these truly fantastic boots. I took close to two hours. (I didn't want to smell odd, long baths. Best before a date)

Anyhow, I left my apartment. And thought that, I needed this with him, Kelly, to work. I don't know why....But I felt like it had too. For once. It would take all the courage I had, but I'd give it a go. To trust a stranger. As I walked down the street, I silently prayed that maybe Bobby would catch a glimpse of me.....

I remember sitting and talking with Kelly. It made me feel, almost normal. Chit-chat, about the weather....And then, silence. He said that he need to tell me something important about his job. That he wasn't just a police officer....But a detective.....


I almost fell out of my chair. I know the color must have drained from my face because he asked if I was okay. I told him that the very mention of that word make me dredge up memories of a detective that I had a painful relationship with. He asked me who it was....I told him I'd rather not say...And then he asked the big one....If I knew where he was assigned?

"Major Case." Those words inspire fear don't they......

"Hey, me too." Oh fantastic. The very thought that Kelly and Bobby could have lunch discussions about me was less than appealing. Why of all places did he have to be assigned there....

Karma. That's why. But I glossed over it, like the pro I am. And started asking him all sorts of questions about what Major Case did....You know, information that I already know.

You should have seen his eyes light up as he talked about his job. He's truly proud of what he is. It was refreshing to see someone that loves their work.

I just couldn't ruin this. I went on chatting with him. He asked me if I liked dancing. Of course, I love it. He said he thought he was destined to find every woman in the city with two left feet. And asked if I would like to go out dancing....Then a little dinner at his place.

What girl could say no to that? So, we spent the evening on this date. It was, surreal for me. I was almost perfectly happy. Except knowing that he thinks my name is Irene. He told me that he did do a background check on me while he was supposed to be working, said that cops can't be too careful when it comes to going out.....I knew he wouldn't find anything.

After dinner....He insisted on escorting me home. We didn't talk the whole way back to my apartment. Instead we walked, arm in arm....Occasional brushes of hands. Fleeting glances. And I rested my head on his shoulder from time to time......Why am I so attracted?

But this time, I let him up to my apartment. Let him in. He surveyed my place and then we said our good byes. With a warm, passionate kiss. If I wasn't holding on to him, I think I would have floated away.

The moment ended. And he went off into the night. Back to his empty bed....Me here alone for the night.

It's just as well....I have some shopping to attend to tomorrow.....

Saturday, December 03, 2005

A little Tit for Tat

I'm game if you are love. So, if you insist......

For the record, I would never hurt any woman close to you. They are not my competition. You see Bobby, we love on a higher level. It's deeper than any other woman in your life. No matter whom you're with, no matter where life can take you with her.....You'll always harbor these feelings, this love...For me.

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.

Once you understand that.....You can own it. And not be a slave to it. A slave to desires. Because we don't need it. Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes with our hands. Sometimes with our bodies.....But always with our hearts. Ours have a little piece of each others.

Besides, if I wanted to "get rid of the competition"....Wouldn't I already have done it? I would have come after your mother. She comes first for you. Always will. God help anyone you bring into your life that doesn't understand that. But even I could never. Ever. Hurt your mother.

And your little pet, Eames.....Would have been next on the list. But why? You aren't attracted to her like that. She's more like a sister. A good friend. A shoulder to cry on....And the one that sets you straight. She is important because she helps you come back to reality.

I would never. Do anything to make you unhappy or hurt, darling. Your well being is very important to me. But, I do admit....I do find myself searching for you.....Subconsciously as well. Sometimes I feel like you'll come around the corner and find some petty crime to arrest me for. And you'll try to put me away for life......Just for one moment of peace.

No worries, Bobby. I know what's "off limits."