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Monday, January 30, 2006

Wishes

I remember when I was little, always wishing for something. And truly believing that just thinking that something was possible was all it took for it to come true.

Now, I could lie and tell you that I grew out of that. But....I didn't.

I wish on the first evening star, or every shooting star for that matter, just in hopes that someone else is doing the same thing and all our dreams can come true.

I always make a wish when I blow out the birthday candles. Desperately wanting my heart's desire to be real.

I've thrown hundreds of coins into fountains; just wanting for something to go my way. Just once.

But even all the coins, candles and stars in the whole wide world can't bring me what I wish for. Perhaps because my wish is selfish, maybe that's why it never happens.

On the other hand, when I've wished something kind for others, strange as it sounds, it seems to work out for the best for them. I wished for Bobby to have just some happiness in his life, for all the strife I've caused him....And look how well that worked out. At least for him.

Wanting something wonderful for others is the most selfless act that anyone can do. Face it, if we knew that all our wishes would come true...Most of us would just wish for more wishes. Instead of asking for something kind for someone else.

Even a total stranger.

I'm sure you say to yourself that aside from a few minor details, I have all I could need. That I simply couldn't be happier.

Well, not simply.

I wish it could be different. I wish I was a different Nicole; the Nicole that Bobby could have and hold, love and cherish....

But I'm not. Just, I just wish...That I can stay in his life. If not for the selfish reason to see him, to speak to him....

Because, like it or not, he needs me. Every day has it's night. And in turn night gives way to the day.

Of course, if wishes really did come true....None of who we are matters then, does it? That these roles we've made for each other are just titles. Nothing more.

....But wishes. Don't really come true. If you keep waiting for them to, you could find yourself very old and sitting next to the empty wishing well...Slowly filling it with tears of regret.

And drowning in the ocean of despair. With no one to save you.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Many Things On My Agenda

Often enough, I find myself sitting at my keyboard. Not a clue what to write about. And yet, the words just flow from my fingers....With a staccato, hypnotic rhythm, that I myself even got lost in from time to time.

And what I wanted/needed to say is right there in front of me. Ready for the world to see. But before I send it out into the great beyond. I proofread.

Here I have the ability to double-check. To think twice. And think about the consequences of the words on the screen. I can even take them back if necessary, before too much damage is done.

....Unlike spoken words.

Why don't we think twice? I mean, no one likes being hurt by anyone else. So why is it we choose to harm each other when we have it within ourselves to stop the words before we say them. Before we damage all sorts of relationships.

Perhaps it's just human nature. Perhaps not.

That being said. I've never typed/spoken anything that I haven't thought about. I always can see what kind of reaction things can get. Of course, I mean what I say. I'm behind my opinions. And if you don't like them, fine. I don't have to like yours either.

And sometimes I just say/write something just to get a rise out of people. Just to witness a little firestorm. What I can say...I like to stir the pot a bit. Well, okay, a lot.

Another thing I find odd about opinions. How many times have you been asked for your honest view of something....And when you give it, someone gets so upset that you were honest.

Either that, or you lied. Just to tell them what they want to hear. That's a very dangerous and slippery slope. Then you will always tell people what they want to hear, and not what you think.

Your voice will get mingled in with the collective shout of society. And unless you do everything within your power to have it heard.....You will drown in that sea.

Of course, popular opinion is just that. Popular. And the fear of not doing what everyone is doing can be terrifying for some.

Obviously, that's not too much of a problem for me. But then again, I'm not exactly popular....I'm more....

Infamous.

And that thing about infamy is....It's the one thing that no one actually wants to be.

But I'll take the notoriety any way I can.

Long day tomorrow, well, at least the waiting for evening will be long.....Kelly, his children, and I are going out for dinner. That should be quite an experiance. For us all.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Odd Little Song

I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can

Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins
I've come to you cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin

What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against

Because he's all I ever knew of love
Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day
Like the next will never come

Oh help me, but don't tell me to deny it
I've got to cleanse myself
Of all these lies til I'm good enough for him
I've got a lot to lose
And I'm bettin' high so I'm beggin' you
Before it ends
Just tell me where I begin

What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love

Let me know the way
Before there's hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I've got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say
The devil wants to know

What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I Love Chihuahuas

All this talk about pets. Made me really think.

Everyone jumps down my throat because of this little nickname I have for Detective Eames. But, it's true isn't it?

Bobby takes care of her just like you or I would take care of our dog or cat. Or what have you.

I can just picture them. He makes sure that she's been feed. That she's in good health. And when she's been an especially good girl, he gets her something special. Although I wouldn't recommend a margarita for your pet. Might have some drastic results.

And now she even has a new friend to occupy her time. May all women be so fortunate as to be surrounded by all these men that want nothing more than for her to be happy.

That being said...

I'm actually not feeling well. Must have been something I ate.

Kelly called me this afternoon. Wanting to come by and talk. But I told him that I was dreadfully ill and that maybe this weekend would be better.

He agreed. Thank God he didn't push the issue.

That's probably why this is so short. I'm hoping some rest will make this plague disappear.

If you'll excuse me...it's off to bed....For some much deserved rest.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

It's Not Paranoia If

I had a very odd conversation with Kelly last night. He asked me if I was telling the truth. About my name. That I really was Nicole Wallace.

"Now why would I lie about that."

Exactly. I've been accused of so much. The baggage that has been attached with this name. Besides, having an alias is so passe.

He seemed satisfied with the answer.

But I can't help but wonder why. I mean, this chat about all my past is long overdue. However, I don't think I'm ready for it. I mean, it's not exactly something that would go over. Being accused of at least a dozen murders doesn't exactly make me a catch.

I decided to shift the focus to him for a bit. Asked about work. Hoping that would help. And I was wrong.

He tells me that since The Pet has been gone. He got to work with Bobby....

You ever have the moment where you believe you're in a waking nightmare. I did at that moment. I was in complete and total fear of what Kelly could discover.

I mean, they'd have to speak to each other. Bobby likes to know the people he works with. What if they talk about relationships.....And then, my name comes up. And Bobby will know.....

I can only hope that doesn't happened. Hopefully they are too busy with actual work to discuss me.

I hope.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Define

Words. We use them everyday. Each of us having our own ideas about what actually constitutes the meaning of one. And what is certain for one person could be completely off base for the next.

I'm turning over a few words in my mind.

I was out with Kelly again this weekend. Just on our own. Like old friends. It was nice.

But sitting here I think....Is he my "boyfriend?"

Well, a boyfriend is defined as 1) A favored male companion or sweetheart or (2) A male friend.

Kelly is both of those. He's actually one of the only men I like being with. (Since this other would be a little awkward) and he's a good friend. I found out more and more about him everyday.

But what scares me about that is. It's the truth. And someday soon he'll have to know the truth about me. Everything that I've ever been accused of.

If he's the kind of person I think he is, I don't think he would be swayed by opinion. I think he would still stay. But the fear of him not ever speaking to me again, it's almost unbearable.

This is so frustrating. I have such a difficult time relating to anyone. And yet, this man. I can't get him out of my system.

But it's not like we're dating....More like. Seeing if there's something there. And where will it go.

And at the same time I want to have someone that is in my life. That loves me and cares for me. I don't want someone that feels burdened by my life and circumstances that may arise out of that.

Also, I think of his children. I didn't even know he had any before....And even knowing now. It doesn't change what I feel. But I don't want to do anything that would cause any more pain to them. It wouldn't be fair.

Love. That's what I feel.

Love can be defined as "a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

But what I think love is. A curse.

The most magnificent curse known to the human race. Everyone can be afflicted with it. And there is no cure. You can only let it run it's course.

The proper care for love is to nurture it over time, and it will eventually take over the body of the victim(s). The victim(s) then will be prone to irrational behavior and altruistic feelings. One may even give up all their possessions for love.

Also, it is possible to be in love with more than one person. Of course, this being a romantic context.

And that is the part that worries me the most.

Am I only in love with Kelly because I can't have Bobby? Or is it an honest emotion....That I really love him because of him, not because he's attainable.

I wish I knew the answer. I would love to know the answer.

Why is it that the smallest words give us the most trouble?

Friday, January 20, 2006

Need

Do you ever wonder why we do the things we do? The motives behind every step, every meal, every relationship.

I think about the "why" every day. It's interesting really....

Why does an otherwise normal man turn violent and kill his wife?

Why does an honest person turn into a liar in front of a camera while campaigning?

Why do children seem to be able to recover from almost any injustice?

Why do women see the need to backstab their best friend?

Why would a faithful husband up and leave his wife of several years?

.....It's elementary........

Emotions.

A man would kill his wife because she broke his heart. Either by cheating or wanting to leave him.

An honest person lies because they need the power of an office. They fear they could die without it.

Children can recover from almost anything because their love of purity and knowledge that anyone can be redeemed is all they have to hold.

A woman betrays her friends due to jealousy and rage.

And a man cheats because he feels inadequate. He needs someone to need him. He feels like his wife doesn't love him like that anymore, although the case might be to the contrary.

It's one of the things that makes us human. And the key to what makes people commit unspeakable acts of rage and violence.

Even the most depraved murder feels something from their crimes. If they are incapable of guilt, they feel powerful. Vindicated. Like they accomplished something.

A cheating spouse or a murder. They both do what they do because they need to.

Need. Want. Almost synonymous.

Almost like love and hate. You can't have one without the other.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Information Super Pain in the Neck

It seems like you can truly do anything online now.

You can, shop....For anything. Not just clothing....Or movies. But tickets for movies. You can even order your groceries. And you can rent movies, that get delivered to your home. Music...Books.

You can even order prescriptions online.

Maybe meet your "soul mate." I'd be willing to wager that some people even advertise children...To adopt. Or advertise their services for those who for whatever reason can't carry their own.

You can even order pizza for God's sake.

It's getting so no one actually has to see another living person if they don't want to. Not that I'm complaining about the lack of human contact.

But I think that makes for a more anti-social society. We don't learn to "play nice" with others and how to co-exist.

Maybe the lack of contact is what makes the human race more prone to kill....To assault. To just be down right cold to other.

But what do I know....I'm just one person. Typing on a keyboard....

A keyboard that opens the world to me.

On the positive, you are able to find things that you actually might need. Like information about a disease. Such as new research or a possible cure.

Support groups. You can even have your own journal online to write your thoughts for the whole world to read (sounds familiar doesn't it).

Some people are even able to earn a degree online. And they can continue on with a better life for sitting in front of the keyboard.

And there's the marvelous invention of e-mail and IM-ing. Instantly connecting you to the people that you need to talk to. Rather than call them and take them away from their keyboard, you just sit and type.

And you can be assured that they'll get the message.

I much prefer more conventional ways of communication but if this works and is so readily available. So be it.

If it wasn't for email and IM-ing on my cell phone and my computer, I don't know how I would be able to keep in touch with Kelly. Since his schedule is so hectic.

Who knows....Maybe one day we'll be getting married online....Living in separate houses with his and her keyboards. Raising children we adopted online that also don't live with us....And we'll get our movies delivered to our mailbox....

......Like a nice normal family.

Anything But

Common criminal. That phrase makes me laugh. I've even heard it used a few times to describe me. Well, if I were a criminal...I would be anything but common.

These "common" ones.....These are your run of the mill drug dealers, junkies, prostitutes, petty thieves, and pretty much anyone that could pull a fast one.

But it's the uncommon criminal, the master-minds, that interest me the most.

Can you just imagine the careful planning they must lay out before them? It's probably comparable to planning for a new baby....They want their creation to be perfect in every way and to send a message about themselves. And most importantly, they want to make sure that their legacy survives with it.

And have you noticed....Most uncommon criminals don't carry weapons. They don't need them. They understand, like I do, that it's more mental than anything. Any fool can wave a gun around and shoot people....There's no merit in that.

....Even a four year old can fire a gun.

That being said....Time for more pleasant things.

Kelly dropped by my place. He brought dinner. Said that it was the least he could do after lending him a hand this past weekend. I must admit, I was in need of the company, so I let him in.

I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed talking to him. He is a bit of a weasel, but I like that in a person....Someone that can hide the necessary. And I'm a bit of a push over for a great smile. Blast him for those looks. I just can't help but feel just a touch better when he's around.

I think that's what makes having him in my life so dreadful, in it's own right. I'm so used to being miserable and unhappy that when a ray of sunshine tries to seep its way in....I shut it out and quickly. Wouldn't want anything to flourish.....

But he snuck it in....And then. Took it away. But now....It's back with me, for the moment at least, and I don't seem to mind it.

There is this twinge of guilt. What if I'm really the reason he's getting divorced? And there is the other...What if he didn't love her deeply anyhow and this was just fated to happen?

Good fortune. For me? I wondered if that was actually possible....

But only time will tell....At least I'll have someone to have dinner with. Have drinks with....

Maybe more.

Who knows?.....I just ask myself for one thing. No regrets.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Serpentine

Not that any of you are terribly interested, but my Saturday with Kelly and his children was wonderful. We didn't want to offer them the wrong opinion about us....So we maintained a safe distance from each other.

But I couldn't help but feel this sense of normal overwhelm me. Saturday....It was like I got a glimpse of what my life could have been. Should have been. But I wouldn't trade that day for the whole world.

The difference between myself and everyone else is....I know that it was just a glimpse, that's all. Because I am Nicole Wallace and no one could ever love me the way that I'm supposed to be loved. Only two people have managed to do that.

We know the first....That's obvious...But these past few weeks have brought to light the second.

Granted he was much older than I remember when we crossed paths...And he was using his real name....But he was still the charmer. Ah, Bernard. Poor fool, latched onto those "Nicole" facsimiles.

He even had those girls to where they were all looking like me. Now that children, is obsession. Of course, none of them are as brilliant as I am or have the same features that I do.

I was actually out at a gallery. Enjoying some depressing pieces...And his hand touched the small of my back and he began speaking to me. I could see why I was so taken with him when I was younger. To some doe-eyed girl, he was the door to high society. To a new life......

We spoke as equals this time though. And he said that he was almost a believer in the "student surpassing the teacher." We laughed. I told him I'd been reading about the tourist murders in the papers and I just knew what that was all about.
He laughed. Said he had met my "favorite" detective and that he understood why I could be so taken with him. That he wasn't an easy challenge. But I always liked to do things the hard way.

Before he walked away, he told me he knew that it wasn't my fault that we were caught. That I could never make such a foolish mistake.

I thanked him for his faith and helping me to be the woman I always knew I was...And told him that I could make him a believer.

We kissed. As he walked away, he said.....

"Good bye Nikki."

And I felt rage start to sink in. Not only because of that dreadful nickname...But just the whole experiance of him.

Think of it. What if I had never met Bernard. He helped cultivate all these dark urges. He told me that I didn't need therapy but just someone who truly understood me. And that he could take me places and show me things that I could only dream of......

Well, not that it matters now. Bernard isn't going to be doing much talking. Shame....He was a brilliant man....

I'm sure they'll find he was poisoned. Just as I'm sure someone will try and knock on my door and question me.

Just as I know that this someone suspected me....Isn't that right Bobby?

And have I mentioned how I love to hear you say my name and look around....Hoping to see me standing there....Smiling.....

Sparkling.

Too bad you looked the wrong way, love.

Friday, January 13, 2006

With Friends Like These

I always impart my wisdom and it's greeted with anger and distrust. Oh well, what do I expect.....

I feel like we're in this relationship. And whenever I tell you about my day...You just blow me off and I'm supposed to just hang in there and take it.

Well, too bad. Because actually, what anyone thinks about me doesn't matter. Only a select few actually matter to me; their opinions are the only ones that count.

That being said....Let me tell you about my plans for tomorrow.

Kelly called me today. Said that his children where going to be with him this weekend and he wondered if I could lend him a hand. And an extra set of eyes.

I wanted to turn him down. I tried to lie. But he called my bluff. He said he didn't know what to actually do with his kids.....Since he missed so much due to work and gallivanting around.

He actually told me that I didn't have a choice. And that he already promised his kids that they would get to meet one of his friends. Honestly, I was touched he thinks of me as a friend.

Still...I wonder. Exactly how much does he know about me. And what if he just doesn't care....What if there's really something between us....What if I'm just too damn afraid to admit it....

Eh, doesn't matter. Tomorrow I'm going to just "hang out" with him and his kids. And just be normal.

Hey, maybe I'll get to meet his ex...I'm sure she's a lovely woman. Otherwise he wouldn't have married her....

Who knows what tomorrow holds...And what you'll hold tomorrow for that matter.

To hell what everyone else thinks....Just. Do what makes you feel alive.

And if that's talking with a man, who will soon be divorced, and he has three children....So be it.

...At least I'm happy.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Not Always A Fairy Tale

I feel like it's my duty to impart some of the wisdom I've gained from my miserable existence. If not, enduring the darkness would be for nothing.

So, I'll discuss something I know about....Marriage.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of a white knight that would come and take me away from my father and mother. That would save my life. And I could walk down the aisle in the big white dress....Flowers everywhere....The fantasy...

But of course, reality took over. Instead of a husband to take me away. Just a boyfriend....And lucky for me...He was even worse than my father. At least my father never beat me up. He never broke bones or left bruises on my face.

Although, he always made me feel like I wish I would die.

You know, I escaped that life. And hid, as Elizabeth Hitchens....And then I met Gavin. Class act that one. I charmed him into marrying me, into loving me....And to making sure that I would stay in this country.

But he wanted the impossible. Something I couldn't provide for him. And I ran. Like I always do.

You know, he provided the cost of my defense. He stood by me when I was accused of something terrible. And he never doubted me. He had all the faith in the world with me....

Even after Gavin found out about the real me. He still didn't care. He didn't care that I was Nicole Wallace....All he wanted was a child....That one thing. I couldn't give.

I think he really loved me too.

I had a husband that loved me....A dream wedding and honeymoon....All the money I could need....

And I ran.

Maybe it was the thought of actually adopting a child. Like I would be replacing my daughter.

And maybe that's the draw to Bobby. I don't have to give him anything. All I have to do is just talk. Write. And that's all.

Perhaps that's what I've been missing all along...........Someone needed nothing from me.

Always find these things out too late don't we......

Tag, I'm it.

Janice tagged me....I wish I could say that I was on base...But I guess not.

5 THINGS THAT I'M ADDICTED TO:

1. Bobby (that's obvious)
2. Reading
3. Taking walks
4. Chewing gum
5. Perfumes

I guess I could tag some people.....I'd really like to see the Twit's list if anyone....

We Have To Stop Seeing Each Other This Way

What is it with me and walking the streets at night? Oh well, I bundled myself up tight....As to not be chilled to death. (Best of luck with that, right) Anyhow, I just started walking.

Thinking about all these hard issues. About my parents. My drunken mother...Her screaming fits of anger/denial. My father....Forgiving him to his face and asking "why me?"

I guess I needed to motivate myself to think about these terrifying things in public, where I can't act childish and run off. I can't burrow my head out here. I just have to keep walking. Although, catching my reflection in the glass was painful.....

And then, the streets started to look more familiar. Like I was home.

Well, I was close. It's someplace I would love to be inside.

I stayed in the shadow. I watched him. He actually smiled when I caught the glance of him. Right there. In the very same window where I have watched him suffer unimaginable pain and suffering.

But he smiled. And suddenly, the night didn't seem so cold. I couldn't fight my own smile. Seeing him happy.....

I watched him disappear and like magic....He was out on the sidewalk. Silly boy forgot his coat. I wanted to walk past him. To touch him. I needed that jolt of electricity again.

I was overwhelmed with that feeling again. The anticipation....The want. The need for him. My heart ached. He was close enough to touch...His touch. His hands against my skin. Caressing it....Finally giving in to what we can't fight.

And then. SHE appeared. And my little fantasy turned darker.

Isabella Manning. She hurried out of the building. Adjusting her shirt and skirt. Obviously, not something she's been wearing all evening. I could even see how wrinkled it was from being tossed on the floor.

Then all I could see was her. That bloody twit in my place. In my fantasy....

Despite my disgust, I had to see. To watch.

I watches his hands on HER skin. His lips....On HERS. And a bit to long for my comfort. It was like....Something inside of me was dying. And then that little grin of hers, speaks volumes without a word....He even opened the cab door for her.

I had to hold my tongue. Or else risk being caught....That bloody twit Isabel...I wanted to confront her....

Not now, I told myself. I can wait....I'll know when the time is right. I just couldn't help but think how happy he looked as he walked back inside. Like something about himself was lighter....I stayed until I saw him in the window again. And frankly, I think I may have been seen....

But does that really matter....And if I was, it only adds to the fun.....

I could feel that rage welling up inside of me as I walked back home. Even sitting down and doing yoga didn't help. I loathe this wench....

Irony of it all is, if the world was different...I'm sure Isabel and myself would be best of friends.

But life doesn't always give us the shot to make things the way the should be.

Well....Not unless you make it......

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Neither Rain Nor.....

I've been spending too much time at home lately.

To be truthful, I've not been feeling well and hoping that I will get better. Must be the weather.

That phrase. "Must be the weather." You ever notice most say that as a sad excuse for some behavior. Like if they seem depressed when it's winter, they say "must be the weather," instead of "I'm in need of someone to help me out of this dark place that I'm in."

Of if people are agitated during the blistering heat of summer. "Must be the weather," instead of "I'm a raving lunatic and just like to get in fights."

But I actually mean that this weather has made me ill. And if it's one thing I don't like, it's being sick. It's nothing serious, which makes it all the more worse. I can't actually loaf around all day and think that will help me feel any better. This medicine seems to be helping...For the moment.

Maybe I don't like being ill because....I don't feel like myself. I like walking in solitude at night, in the quiet hours...But it's hard to enjoy the quiet with a cough and sniffling.

Perhaps what I really need is to prowl. Watch some real people. Live real lives. And observe. Usually makes me feel useful. Like I'm learning something at least.

Besides that....You'll never know what or who you'll see.....

Monday, January 09, 2006

Bottom Feeders

We as a race amuse me.

We seem to be obsessed with celebrities. Everything about them from what they wear to what they eat. And especially whom their with. (Dating....Engaged...Married)

As much as we like to see them together, it seems like we love even more to see them apart. It's like we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When their relationships are on the rocks, you can't cross a magazine without their picture on it...Claiming that "they're okay." And then it's followed up with the breaking news that they are done. Breaking it off. Divorcing. And we love it.

Like they need that to make them human and bring them down to our level.

Ending a relationship can be painful enough. Divorces tend to rip your heart out. It's something best left suffered in private. But then again, most of us won't ever have to worry about our tear streaked faces plastering a magazine.

But not these people. They are blessed with fame and this is what they have to do for it?

I know. I know. They should at least expect some manner of it. But for goodness shake, just know when to back off.

I see these pictures and I feel so badly for them. I can see the pain of the end. That someone they truly loved is now out of their life....For something that they just couldn't get past.


Let them be. Let them lock themselves in the safety of their lavish homes. To curl up on their couch, wearing their Juicy Couture sweats....Watching old movies, eating low-fat yogurt......And to heal.

Besides, there has to be something else worth watching....

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Wanting. Needing.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
-Mahatma Gandhi"

Gandhi was a man of words. He imparted his wisdom on the world and to this day it astounds me how many times I find even the smallest inspiration or answer in his words.

But this. About forgiveness. I was taken aback. In awe of the realization that....It's a simple truth.

A weak person could never say they forgive someone. That would mean they fear giving up something they hold onto. Like forgiveness is currency.

But the strong. Always ready and will to forgive. Because they know they have nothing of actual currency to lose from it all. Instead, they would lose a valuable relationship.

Of course, there is a world of a difference between forgiveness and absolution.

After all this time, all these sleepless nights. The nightmares, the empty relationships....And the utter mess my life has become. I can say...I can forgive my parents.

My mother. She loved the bottle more than she loved me. Maybe it was her only escape from the life she was living. I can't blame her for that. She was just trying to deal with her misery the only way she knew how. She was married to a man who didn't love her....And a man that was hurting his own child.

My father. So much has been said about dear old Daddy. But not by me. And for good reason. Most would say that what he did was unforgivable....But he was a weak man. He was sick. He had no control and because of that, that dark part of him was unleashed on his child.

I'm not making excuses for them. I'm just rationalizing it.

But I forgive them. Because I need to let go of it. It eats away at my very soul. It's not crimes that I've been...Accused of. It's living forever, trying to fix what has already transpired.

My mother ignored the cries for help. My father kept on. They just continued the cycle. Day in. Day out.

Forgiveness for them is here. It's now. But absolution.....That is something that they can never possess.

If I could have been strong enough to just bring my father to account for what he did.....Or if I was smart enough to tell someone else....Or took the coward's way out. What if I told my mother....And she told the authorities?

Because justice can never be served for this, absolution is a closed door.

Justice.....There's a notion I don't know much about....Just what I read.....

"There is no such thing as justice - in or out of court. ~Clarence Darrow, 1936"

Only would have been better if Ghandhi had said it.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Good Friend

Kelly called me last night. I could tell he wanted someone to talk to, but like your typical man, he wouldn't come right out and ask me.

I told him that it was much better to have this conversation face to face and that I would be right over.

So, I hung up the phone and made sure that I wasn't giving the wrong impression with what I was wearing. Then I realized that it didn't matter and that men could read into everything.

I put on my coat and luckily, got a cab on the first try. Normally I'd walk, but it was just a tad colder than I wanted. And I didn't want the wind in my face.

After I arrived at Kelly's place, I stood outside for ten minutes. Which led me to believe that he was probably drunk. He buzzed me in and I climbed the stairs and wondered what state he really was in. I was in hopes for sober....

But when he answered the door. My hope was shattered. He told me that he'd been drinking ever since he got off work and was already a little "buzzed" when he called me.

I watched him flop on the couch. And he just started talking...

About how he "screwed it all up"....He had the perfect life, and he just had to "not use his head" and cheat on his wife. That if I wasn't such an attractive, smart, charming, funny woman....He would still be at home.

Then I reminded him that he knew that he wasn't supposed to be trying to pick up women in a bar. That when we met, I didn't want anyone around. But that he insisted. I said that he was just as charming, funny, smart, and attractive...So ,there was no way I was the first affair.

His silence. I took it to mean that I was right. So, then I asked him if he loved is future ex-wife....

"Not as much as I should have, Nicole."

He went on about how it really wasn't a happy marriage. That he tried to forgive her of one single indiscretion before, but it was more than likely the end. And that his daughter, wasn't even his. That she was the result of that affair. But he didn't love the child any less. It was like she was his own.

But his sons...They were his. His daughter was the middle child. He loved his children, that was apparent.

I told him to always be there for them. Especially his daughter, even if she technically wasn't his. He was the only father that she knew and that was more important than anything. And that his sons needed a role model.

He nodded and agreed that he would try and not fight with their mother in front of them and that he would make time for them always.

And then he was worried that he wouldn't know what to do with them....Then he asked if maybe I would help him out a few time. As a friend.

My brain kept telling me to say "no".....But my heart. I couldn't say "no".

I told him that it was extremely important that we didn't lead his children to believe that we were a couple. Unless we actually were.

There's that silence again. I'm not even actually for sure what this one means.

But I stayed last night. On the couch. But it felt.....Right.

Then again, what's right about this at all?

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Human

I play a good game, but not good as you
I can be a little cold, but you can be so cruel
I'm not made of brick, I'm not made of stone
But I had you fooled enough
to take me on
If love was a war, it's you who has won
While I was confessing it, you held your tongue
Now the damage is done...


Well there's blood in these veins
And I cry when in pain
I'm only human on the inside
And if looks can deceive
Make it hard to believe
I'm only human on the inside

I thought you'd come through,
I thought you'd come clean
You were the best thing I should never have seen
But you go to extremes, you push me too far
Then you keep going 'til you break my heart
Yeah, you break my heart


See I bleed and I bruise, oh, but what's it to you
I'm only human on the inside
And if looks could deceive,
Make it hard to believe
I'm only human on the inside

I crash and I burn, maybe some day you'll learn
I'm only human on the inside
I stumble and fall, baby, under it all
I'm only human on the inside

And the damage is done...

Well there's blood in these veins
And I cry when in pain
I'm only human on the inside
And if looks can deceive
Make it hard to believe
I'm only human on the inside

I crash and I burn, maybe some day you'll learn
I stumble and fall, baby, I do it all
I'm only human on the inside

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Creature of the Night

"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day. -Vincent Van Gogh"

I find these words to be so true.

Mind you this city is very much alive during the daylight..But once the sun goes down. All the vibrant creatures come out to play.

The junkies come out, without fear of anyone seeing what their addictions do to them. Prostitutes are more abundant. The drunks fall all over the sidewalks....These things we keep hidden from the light...Seem more alive in the blanket of night.

I love the dark. Perhaps because I too like to hide. Moving along with lesser odds of being seen somehow gives me a charge. So small parts of me feels safe. So, I always stroll at night.

And I take note of these people that only come out when not threatened by sun light. I feel connected to them. I understand what they feel. Like darkness is their only friend and the only one that understands them. And if it wasn't for living life in the light....They wouldn't be forced to hide in the dark.

Normal people should feel blessed that they don't feel this way. That they can get on without needing to hide.

But you'll see these normal people in our world from time to time. They're probably out with someone they shouldn't be. Or doing something they shouldn't. They use what make us comfortable to mask their vices.

In time, their vices will take them over and then, they too will belong to the night. It claims us all. Silently and completely.

Rarely to any of us escape...But there's always hope we will....

Some evening. Never some day.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Detective Logan's A Sadist

Fine....I'll give it a go. But I don't play by the rules....

Five weird habits.......

1. I sort my clothing by brand, color, and season. Then into various sub-categories. They always have to be in order....Just will ruin my day if I have to reorganize.

2. I don't eat anything green. Not even M&Ms....For no particular reason.

3. I like to sing when bored....And it doesn't matter where I am. Whether I'm in line at a store or waiting for a taxi...Just happens. Sometimes I get money....

4. I smile at inappropriate times. I'm not trying to make people feel strange....I just do it.

5. I burp. Loud. Because it makes me feel good...And a little more normal.


Like you didn't already know I was weird.....

Like A Car Accident

I never can sleep. So, why do I try...Because it's what I'm supposed to do....Because my body actually won't carry itself any longer.....Certainly isn't peaceful.

Being alone with my thoughts is a scary place to be.

I must be the most profoundly...Let's use the term "screwed up"...Person in all the world. Which references the title of this little window into my mind. You don't want to look or watch, but yet, you're drawn to it. You're curious as to what dark fate awaits.

But is that really why so many are drawn to me? Because I'm a mess. They only stand close enough to be singed by the flame. No one likes to get burned...But I burn them willingly.

Because I'm a mess. I will always shove away those who get to close, when in all actually reality...I want to pull them in. I want them to hold me. Stoke my hair, tell me that it will all be okay. That I'm fine. That we're fine.

I really do think that some, well most, men only want to be in a relationship with me because I am damaged. It's nearly impossible to love me. Although, I'll make you love me in spite of yourself...But you can't love me the way you should be able to. Because....You'll see it.....You'll know who I really am.....

And God help the poor soul that discovers what I hide underneath my composed facade. That poor soul that tries to chip away at the mask I've worn for so long now. I'll see it as an attack and I only know one reaction.

Rage. Hate. (There are those four letter words again). Move away. As quickly as possible....Funny, someone once told me that everyone moves away from me. Looks like they were a bit off on that assumption.

I hate to sound like I'm not taking any of the fallout upon myself....But my parents. My....Father. They are really the ones to blame. Yes, I had a choice...And I chose not to be anyone's door mat.

All because my mommy didn't listen....And my daddy. Well, he loved too much. Their terrible venture into parenting turned out to be quite the little disaster. What parent would want their daughter to turn out like me? I think we all know the answer to that little quandary.

My father. Died several years ago. I just never got around to seeing his grave. But I know that's where he is. But I know a visit to it would only be uneventful. I'll read that epitaph...."Loving Husband, Devoted Father,"....I'll kick that headstone over and destroy it. Probably in only seconds.

But why bother? It would be useless....I've waited too long to let him know, to let the world know what he took from me.

I can't hardly look at myself in the mirror for what he did.

Only one person on this planet has seen that part of me. Even though I tried my hardest to hide it....He saw right through me. Like I was glass....And he didn't run. He moved in. He cared just a little....Because he too was a touch damaged.

And because of who we are. This emotion between us. This love, this passion....An unquenchable fire that will burn until the end of time....Will continue to burn through us. The heat will always drive others away, as they watch us slowly turn to embers...But what a lovely way to burn.

Hence the ongoing obsession. We only want our fire to burn bright together...But we realize that because of reality. The only way to escape the burning feeling is to sleep. To be done. To never wake.

I must admit. There are times when I've given it thought. Just ending it all....But the only thing that has kept me alive.....Is him.

It's always been Bobby. My whole miserable, pathetic live I was fated to meet him. To have this twisted, sick, give and take relationship with him. For what? To always leave with just a little more of myself gone.

......And unlike him, dark....Brooding, depressing thoughts....Won't get me letters, emails, voice messages of concern....

They'll just suggest how I do it.....

How's that for "screwed up?"

Monday, January 02, 2006

Don't Make Me Waste My Time

At least I got my mind off of Bobby for a little while. And that feeling. Not that it did much good, but it did some.

I've been considering the events of this afternoon and this evening....And there was a few, tiny facts I was omitting...

When I said that I invited him to my place tonight...I forgot the part where I walked back to his place with him. Just to make sure that he would actually get some sleep. He was mumbling the whole way there about his friend....Said this guy got him the apartment....Just by some stroke of luck.

He's lucky to have such a friend. So I asked what his friend looked like....And if his friend worked with him....

He said not with him...But he was a detective (how do I seem to find every one in this city). He described him to me....And I knew exactly who he was. That tart was really in for some fun now....

He even pointed out his friends apartment....But we walked right past it; it was hard to miss. Hard to forget.

We managed to get into Kelly's new place. Poor man, he practically feel asleep as soon as he got to his couch. I smiled as I thought how actually happy he looked, asleep....Perhaps finding peace in dreams. Although it's been my experience that never works out.

....I think that covers most of the afternoon.......The part I'm willing to tell you all about.

I spent the rest of the day taking care of some little errands. Cleaned my apartment....Made sure I had something to eat for Kelly later...I imagine he hasn't had anything good to eat since his wife asked him to leave....

When Kelly arrived, we talked. Well, he talked. I listened. I think he felt better just saying it all aloud. Like some of the weight had been lifted. I offered advice where I could....But told him that some of what happened was his fault, and that he would have to come to account for it.

Sort of funny isn't it? Me, telling someone they need to account for themselves....

He left around nine or so....Said he needed the sleep. So, I wished him well and said if ever needed to talk...He had my number.

I wish he was here now...But that's not really our place. If there's even an "our" or a "we"....But I suppose that's how it goes...It's funny, how this all plays out.....

"You make me so confused. The beautiful ones, you always seem to lose."

I think that sums up my day perfectly.





By Chance

I went out today. Just to have lunch....Trying to shake the feeling, but I guess even I, the mistress of burying emotion....Couldn't.

I was lost in thought about changing fate, if it's even possible, what's meant to be and what that really means.....

And there was Kelly. I laughed inwardly, because he looked like he's been sleeping in a gutter somewhere.....But he sat down right in front of me. And I asked him what had happened....That hangovers don't usually last that long.

He told me that his wife had told him that she knew everything and she asked him to leave. That they would explain it to their children later. And that she was filing for divorce.

It was all I could do to keep from laughing hysterically. And I thought that I couldn't wait to read that decree...I do enjoy that it is public record here. But in seeing on how this was effecting him....I felt, terrible.

So, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He told me that if he wanted to talk that he would hire a "shrink"....

I explained to him that I am an expert at being left and being divorced...So, what's the harm.....

He finally said he's give it a go. I invited him to my place tonight. After he'd gotten some rest and cleaned himself up.

Now...Don't misunderstand. I'll admit the thought of jumping his bones and keeping him all to myself had crossed my mind. But, I just can't. He's so down, broken....Kind of like myself.....

I actually believe I can help him. And plus, it's a productive way to spend my time.....What else would I be doing this evening?

.....And maybe. I could have a good friend.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

The Need To Resolve

I loathe "New Year's resolutions".....Why do we need to wait for a new year to make a change?

Because it's a whole new 365 days for us to mess up.....So, this clean slate is something worth saving.

Why bother? You're just going to end up making the same mistakes. Being the same person as you were yesterday before the clock struck midnight. You're still going to have the same job, the same home, and be the same person.....

For that matter. Why does it have to be a new year to decide you need a change? Why can't it be every new day....Or every hour.....After all, it's something new that hasn't yet been tainted by humanity.....Why is it any different?

I don't make resolutions. I just let life happen. I see that as more enjoyable.

Last night, I went walking. Watched people make fools of themselves. I saw this couple, obviously intoxicated....But not so much alcohol....I think with each other. The love they shared was undeniable. And a very strange older man....Seemed sad to me.....And this pleasant older woman.....She even wished me a happy new year....

Those two. They were alone....I wondered why. Was it because their spouses had died...Or maybe they were never married? Did they have children....And if they did, where the children too far away to visit? Or did they forget to call....

I guess I dwell on those that are alone. Because I share the affliction. Then I started thinking about my daughter....All those that I have met in my life...I guess the weight of all that negativity was bringing down the festive mood.....

And then....There he was. Staring at me....I could feel him. But I wondered...Did he realize that it was me? I knew I had to pass him....My heart was racing as I came closer to him.

As we passed, I noticed his eyes, never wanting to meet mine....But I had to see that glorious face. The face that haunts my dreams. In those precious seconds, I saw....He looked older. Like all the work, all these things that have transpired took their toll on his face....But each new line, was like a badge of honor.

His eyes. He didn't directly look at me...But I found a way to look at him. Even though it wasn't a full gaze....It was what I needed. It was like he was trying to tell me something....Like the world is a cruel place....And not always fair....

And then...I breathed in his scent. That wonderful mix of cologne and him....I wanted to grab him by the hand and stop him...But instead, I just brushed my arm against his.

Those seconds seemed like hours. Like all time stopped, just for us. But those moments....I was high again.....Like I was real....

And I felt myself breathe. Really breathe. To quote someone else, "that moment was like a jolt of electricity." And that jolt revived me. Like without him, part of me was dead.....What little of me is still alive anyway....

I knew that feeling wasn't just happening for me...But he had to have felt it. I turned and saw him, lost in that feeling and I knew he felt it....Instead of intruding on him, I turned back around and went on my way....

I stopped into a little bar....Ordered something different....Vodka and Cranberry...I smiled when I saw they used Grey Goose vodka.

"Cheers Bobby." I'm sure that bartender thought I was absolutely crazy....But most people are after getting their pathological need met....

I went home and crawled into bed and slipped off to sleep...With a smile on my face.

But I wondered.....If two people could get that electric feeling from each other...And fate doesn't allow them to be together.....

Why doesn't someone resolve to change fate?