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Monday, February 27, 2006


The world thrives on it. For every right there is a wrong; every death a new life.

And every hero has to have a villain.

We as people have to have the contrast of it. If something terrible never happened, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good in life. Think of it. If you never had a bad week at work, you wouldn't enjoy that phone call from a relative so much.

If a woman never had the pain of childbirth, she couldn't possible appreciate the joy of having that new life in her arms.

And when we lose someone close to us, we discover new relationships that we didn't think would ever be possible. People that we can lean on that seemed out of reach before are now at your fingertips.

As for the hero, well. If he didn't have the villains to defeat, he wouldn't be the hero. He would be living a life without purpose. He would be going through the motions. Just making it through.

However. A hero always needs a polar opposite. If someone who was his match didn't exist somewhere in this linear space.....His victories wouldn't be as fulfilling.

A nemesis.

But the villain needs the hero. But not some watered down version of that person. They need them at full potentcy. Or outwitting them wouldn't be as fun. The game would be pointless. Their existence would go unnoticed. Futhermore, if there wasn't a hero to stop them.....They could do as they please.

Reeking havoc on the world. With no consequences.

And I'm not just talking about myself here. Think about yourselves and that person that you know is your opposite. Your nemesis. And what your life would be without them.

A tad empty. I assure you.

It's been said that opposites attract. It's only because they need each other.

Need...Base human emotion. Always seems too simple to me.

Friday, February 24, 2006

More Pablo

Don't go far off, not even for a day,
because -- because -- I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour,
because then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment
you'll have gone so far I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

After All

You ever wonder what event made you the person you are today?

Sure, you've lived a life and several things have impacted you. But there is always one single event that shapes your entire life. The worst part about it is, it impacts you even if you don't know it yet.

For example, a boy witnesses his mother beaten by his own father. Now, this boy grows up and he knows his parents little secret. But he notices that his mother obeys his father. No questions. And then he thinks, he wants a woman to do just that for him.

So, he grows up to think that the only way to make women listen is to beat them. And he does exactly that. Then, subsequently, beats a girlfriend to death because she didn't fix his eggs right.

Or a three year boy that never hears the word "no".....Which is all well and good, to avoid fits of course.....

Until he turns sixteen and his girlfriend tells him "no"....And he turns into a rapist.

I think the one event that has shaped my life is the day my father said to me, "this is how daddies are supposed to love their daughters."

I knew better. But it caused me to hold such a low opinion of myself that I thought that I was worthless. Disposable.

And all it took was for one self absorbed bastard to see that venerable. And then to show me what to do with all that pent up rage. Exactly how to unleash it.

Of course, it's not fair to place all the blame with them. But they do own a large percentage of it.

There are some that would say I had a choice? Really....

Turn in my father to the authorities and break up my family. Yes, that would have gone so well. Plus, I don't think I would have had the strength.

Ironically enough, because of who I am today, I would have the strength. Because I know it wasn't my fault. I was just born into it.

And Bernard...What was I to do? Stay home. Be Daddy's little girl forever....

I was in an improbable situation with seemingly impossible odds.

The worst part isn't thinking about what I could have done. The worst is the guilt for not trying.

But I did do one thing right. I proved my father and Bernard both wrong.

I've got on just fine without them. And I'm empowered.

.....As well as can be expected.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Always the Little Things

A smile. A nod. Holding a door for another. Helping someone carry their heavy load.

These things. Most of us don't think about doing them. It's just a habit. And common courtesy. But to some people, these things are what keep them going.

Even I fall into the category.

When I'm feeling the worst, and I'm out walking, face focused on my feet...That's when I look up and some stranger smiles. As if to say, "It will get better." It's not like they owe it to me. They just do it.

And for that moment in time. I feel better. That one person impacted my life. With just a smile or a nod.

I wonder what this world would be like if no one every offered these small tokens of emotion.

How cold it would be. How hopeless. Meaningless......

Even saying hello to a passing person. What if you were the only person that spoke to them today? What if they felt like they didn't exist until you said hello? Imagine the power that holds. Just small, simple things.

Just amazing. All my life I've looked for some big way to take control....And all I needed to do was something so small.

Irony. Just figures.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

A little Pablo Neruda

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me,
all day I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh, your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight, hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Public Displays of Attraction

Before anyone has anything smart to say, I didn't even mean to run into them. I just chanced upon them.

That being said. I will continue with my tale for the evening.

First of all, my day started so well. I had a fantastic work out and was feeling like I could conquer the world.

Which led me to my next course of action, I made the phone call. I called Kelly, at work, and asked him to meet me around six or so, and I would explain everything to him.

Of course, that led me to spend the rest of my day with anticipation and dread. But that's no more different that any day.

Around six, I went to the restaurant where Kelly and I were meeting. Nothing like a full stomach to deliver bad news. So, I watched him come in and sit in front of me. And I knew from just the way he sat, this was going to be all business.

So, I proceeded as such. I let him ask all the questions. It just works better that way.

He wanted to know all about my trial. And all about my previous relationships. And I obliged him. I was as honest as I needed to be.

Then the big one...

"And when were you planning on telling me that you were a murder?"

It was like I was kicked square in the chest. I was so stunned. I didn't have an answer other than.

"I didn't think it would have gotten this far."

And then he just stared at me. I could see the rage burning behind his eyes.

"I ruined my life because of you. But I suppose that's just fine. Because that's what you do, Nicole. You destroy everything. So everyone on is miserable. "

"I just wanted to be normal. If only for the moment."

"Normal? A normal life....It's not for you Nicole."

And he was gone. All I was left with was pain and that feeling of deja vu.....Bobby's words echoed through him. It just rubbed a pound of salt in the deep cut he left.

I went home and tried to get rid of the feeling. I took a bath. I read....But after hours of trying, I knew I needed to just go out. Forget him.

In the time honored tradition of having a drink or four...Hundred.

And I had already decided to go wherever interested me. Not just the nearest. But also, it needed something intimate about it...In other words, dark.

I thought I had found the perfect place. I just felt drawn to it. Like I didn't have any other choice but to go in. I stopped and ordered a Black Russian and while I was waiting for my drink, that's when I knew. He was there....

I started scanning the room, drink in hand. And I found him alright, in the darkest corner. And he was with....Her.

Isabella Manning. Foul wench. And they seemed to be quite cozy.

I just watched for what seemed like ages. Trying to gather my composure. Watching them laugh and chat. I noticed the sly touches. Those ones that only lovers share. I must admit, I felt the jealousy start to bubble, just a tad.

Now, a nice person would have left them alone. But since when do I play nice?

I waited until they got up to leave and made sure I would run right into them....And accidentally spill my drink....Or what was left of it, on to that wretch.

You should have seen her face.....Then I said that I was sorry.

Ha, his eyes almost feel right out of his head. He knew. And I, of course said hello. She didn't much care for the chat. She made that very clear to me.

Which was fine. I think after what I had to say, we drew the line in the sand. So to speak.

It was what she said before they went out the door.

"Oh, thanks for spilling that on me. Means I have a really good reason to take this off as soon as we get back. Till we meet again. Nikki."

She should learn her place. You know, the one other than on her back.

And she should take the time to learn about subtlety....It would serve her well.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Whispers in the Dark

Call me paranoid, but I always wonder what people think about me.

You know, when you pass a group of people and they snicker, are they snickering at you or did they just have some terribly funny inside joke? Or maybe they just do it to make people paranoid. Like it's a twisted hobby.

Or, what do people say about you when you aren't standing in front of them? With myself, I pretty much guarantee that they would say the same thing. But with others, I'm not so sure they're that honest.

I don't know what brought this topic about, but it was just nipping at my fingers; just waiting to be typed.

But I'm sure what you really want to know about is the "talk" with Kelly.

....Since he didn't answer the phone, and hasn't returned my call. My guess is that the "talk" will have to wait. Personally, I don't know what he's waiting on.

Who am I kidding....He's probably has a copy of my file open on his desk. Finding out every little thing about me.....

Knowing that he's doing just that. I feel, violated. Like my most precious secrets were exposed and now there's nothing left to shield myself with.

I'm also quite sure that if he's getting very close to having a conversation with Bobby, about me. And I can just see where that will go. They might even share a good chuckle over what a massive conundrum my life is.

Well, if that is the case, at least I could provide them with some entertainment.

Don't think I won't tell him. I have to....I owe it to him, for deceiving him in the first place. And not the whole truth. I figure I tell him just about as much as he would already know.

Have to play by the rules you know.

At least soon this dreadful week will end and there will be a brand new one. To do with whatever we wish.

Renewal. Rebirth. Regret......Hmm, funny how well those words string together.

I try not to ever look back. The past is just that. The past. There's nothing you can do in the present to change it. The only thing the past can do is teach you what to do in the present to change your future. And every future is unlimited.

And the ghosts that haunt us....I don't think we can ever leave them all behind. How else can we learn if they aren't there speaking to us about these mistakes and warning us not to do it again?

My past, present and future. All pretty bleak once you look at them. But then again, if something dreadfully tragic would happened to me....Who would miss me?

....Well, I can think of one person.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Super Fantastic

It's seems that my week just keeps getting better.

And that was sarcasm.

I think I'm going to have a chat with Kelly tomorrow. Not because I want to. Because it needs to be done.

So, how do you start to tell the truth after so much covering up?

"Here's the thing. I only lied to you because I didn't want to scare you off. And plus, the sex was fantastic. Unbelievable even.

And the only time I wanted you dead was when I found out about your wife."

...Yes, that would go over so well.

Like a hooker at a bar mitzfah.

But speaking of hookers, I see the New York County bicycle is back. Great ride, you just don't want anyone to see you on it. Bella, darling, glad you could get out from under Bobby....I mean, the paper work long enough to grace everyone with your wisdom.

I could make some pathetic joke about legal briefs but I won't.

But I digress.......

If we all weren't so damned afraid of the truth, we wouldn't have to have these types of chats. I know it's kind of strange coming from me, but telling the truth is so much easier than trying to outrun it. Because, no matter what you do. No matter where you are...

The truth will catch up with you. And you'll have to face it. It won't be pleasant and it will most likely end in tears.....

For you.

Black Orchids and Melted Chocolate

I've been in hiding most of the day. I so loathe this commercial holiday.

So much fake emotion in the air. Every fool from here to eternity reeks of it. And all the happy couples. And the gifts and the cards.

I just can't take it.

Not that love isn't the greatest thing on the planet. Because it is. I believe in it. And that everyone has only a few great loves in their life and wish that everyone finds it.

But...Not in my presence.

I spent most of the day, sadly, thinking about Kelly. When I'm going to call...If I am going to at all. And then, I felt bad for him....He's alone today as well.

And he deserves it. For the heartache he caused his soon to be ex wife. And his children.

...I think I only want to speak with him so I can have him out of my life and system for good. Rid myself of all the feelings I have. And give him the truth. However, I just didn't think today was the right day to dump that on him. I figured he had enough to sort through already.

So instead, here I sit. Another sleepless night....Wondering why I deserve this life. What could have been different?

And to tell you the truth....If given the choice, and knowing full well the consequences of my choice. I wouldn't change a thing.

If I hadn't choose this life, I would have never met Bobby. And that is worth all this suffering.

Most of you say, I should forget him. Move on. Find someone I can have....

But that's it. I can't have anyone else. At least, with him, knowing that I can't have him is almost a comfort at times. I can love him from a distance. And it's safer that way.

Anyhow, here's to the pain the comes with love....It's like a marriage. They go together.

And I'll leave you with a quote about love, just because I can,

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." ~Emily Bront

Monday, February 13, 2006

Everyone else had one...

A big thank you to Angie for making my header.....

And a quiet thanks to Janice...Because I am computer illiterate.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

You're Just So Scared to Lose

I know it's been a few days. But I need to cleanse. Get everything sorted out in my mind. And feel a bit more like, well, myself.

And just when I thought I felt well again. I got a phone call.

Against my better judgment, I went to meet with him. I had to fight the urge not to just turn back and hide. But I stayed. I waited. And, much like the first time we met, there Kelly was. Standing in front of me.

He apologized for his behavior. He said that he was just upset that I never went into everything that he read. But that he was willing to hear my side of it.

I told him that it wasn't the time or place. Not just yet, but that when I was ready , I would tell him my story. In depth. And he seemed to understand.

He also said, that everyone has the right to tell their story. To try and make someone see why. Then he said that it wouldn't excuse any behavior, but maybe, help him understand it all.

I told him not to call me. I would get in touch when I needed to. And that I wouldn't interfere with his life. Because I cared to much about him to muck up his plans.

I also realized as he walked away that it was far too late for that. He just keeps coming back to me. Even after reading some of the terrifying things that I'm sure are chronicled in my files.

But that's just it, isn't it? That's what I do. I make them care about me despite the truth. I let them see that one shred of good left in me...And they don't see the darkness anymore.

It's no matter.....He sees what he wants to too. Much like Bobby. I bet they get along well.

To answer someone's questions: Kelly didn't know anything about me at first. Then he mysteriously stumbled upon my file....And learned the truth. Or at least your version of it, darling. Talk to him, find out what he's willing to share about his mistress. You'd be surprised about him. Take them time. Not that you weren't going to anyway. You seem to want to know everything about me....

Not that you don't have your own personal interests to attend to as well. How is that little tart now? Still as free and easy as I remember her?

Anyhow....Since the weather is simply terrible...I decided to see what the good word is.....

And I read all these curious little plans.

It seems that Detectives Eames and Logan have decided to try and play our game. No one, with the exception of myself, plays better than Bobby, mainly because he laid the ground rules. I just do what is necessary to work within them.

And it's about knowing when to bluff and when to show your hand, without of course actually showing your hand. The gentle back and forth in the questioning and the stabs at each others so fragile egos....Makes for the most fun.

Personally, I hope those two are ready for a challenge. I assure them, there's NOTHING in that file that hasn't been explored. Of course, this means I need to research a little for myself....But all in due time.

Detective Eames has had yet but a taste of what I can do to ones mind. And she's watched the effect I can have once you get involved. Detective Logan should take notes.

Now him, I will enjoy. He doesn't seem to be bothered by the petty dribble. He seems to be the type to just shoot right back. Good, I hate a push-over. Of course, I do find him to be a bit like a riddle.....But I do so love solving them. And him, I will solve.

Just always keep in mind the rules: Tit for tat, dear ones. In order to hear something true about me, Nicole....Yout have to tell me something true about yourselves. It's a bargined exchange....

It has to be. I'm not one for sharing.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Ghosts of The Past

I was out today. Just minding my own business and getting back to normal. And then, out of nowhere I hear someone call out my name.

Normally I ignore it...But this voice I knew all too well. Except...I liked it a lot better when he called me Elizabeth.

There was Gavin. Still has handsome as ever. The man is a bit foolish, but still charming in that curious way.

It wasn't awkward seeing him again. We chatted a little. He even asked me about Ella...And why I had her switch his inhaler. Which I didn't tell her to do that. I just had mentioned it. And that the girl was very taken with me. And I assured him that nothing I could have done would have stopped her.

What was awkward was meeting his new wife. His very pregnant new wife. Jenna, I believe. She's not terribly unfortunate with looks, but still.

She even said that Gavin's description of my beauty didn't do me justice. At least she knows when she's been outdone. She pales in comparison to myself. But she could give him the one thing I couldn't.

I even offered my congratulations. And well wishes for the future, even though it churned my stomach to do so.

It's not that I never loved Gavin. I just think that it was glossed over by revenge and spite, that's all. And maybe, I was just a tad jealous of them. A nice normal life, with children. And they looked so happy together.

As they left, I wondered what if I had just resisted the urge to get even and stayed under the radar. Would I still be with him....Or would the want for a child of his own been the demise of us.....

I would never know.

Just when you think you've left it all behind. The past finds ways to pull at your heart strings and rip open old scars. Ones that probably never completely healed.

It eats me alive to know that people I truly love...I seem to never be able to have. For whatever reasons.

Not that there was much left to consume in the first place. So little is left of the Nicole Wallace that I once was. The Nicole that no one but I know of.

Most people have had a very small glimpse.....Because that's all I'm willing to offer. But there are the rare few that really know me.

The wounded heart that still beats and aches underneath this cold, callous demeanor.

You cut me, I bleed. You hurt me, I cry.

But you'll never see it. Because I won't let you.

Monday, February 06, 2006

What's Left Of Me

Watched my life pass me by in my bedroom mirror
Pictures frozen in time
are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half of what I thought I would be
You can have
What's left of me

I've been dying inside
Little by little
Nowhere to go
But goin' out of my mind
In endless cirlcles
runnin' from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half of what I thought I would be
You can have
What's left of me

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this woman
Make me whole once again

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hungerlike a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half of what I thought I would be
You can have
All that's left
What's left of me

I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm runnin' in circles all the time

Can you take what's left
Can you take what's left
Can you take what's left
Of me

Can you take what's left
Can you take what's left
Can you take what's left
Take what's left of me


Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here....

Had a long day Sunday.....

I'll feel more like talking later...Just need to sleep.

Friday, February 03, 2006

So You Stole My World

It's been my life experience that out of pain comes the most valuable lessons. That from the ashes, the phoenix must rise. To soar, to be again.

And never let anything destory you.

Even for all the wallowing in self-pity this week, I'm stronger from this. I learn the value of the truth more and more each time I have to confront it. As truly terrifying as that is.....

Even though I felt so deeply for Kelly....I wasn't honest from the beginning. So I don't get to have that normal thing in my life now. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

At least I have some more pleasant things to remember.

And when I think back on it, I think we were just both using each other for some pathological need. He needed a woman on his arm....And I needed a way to feel something other than numb.

But I never used him to get to Bobby. That was just some twist of fate.

And even now...I'm haunted by Bobby's voice, in the back of mind.....

"Well, you blew it Nicole. Your one chance for happiness.....And you had to come back to me....."

It seems that I always will. In some form. I can't pull myself away.

Because he makes me feel alive. I don't even have to be with him to feel it. I can have that emotion anywhere. But it's strongest when I'm close to him. When we talk, touch....Gaze....

But I do hope that sometime in the near future he and I can have a chat. Let him know that yet again my life is in shambles due to some involvement from him.

Mind you, it wasn't intentional....But still.

I'm not angry...Not even just a little. I just understand why he showed him.

And it wasn't the quest for truth that motivated it. I guarantee it.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


I've had to let this settle. I thought for sure that I had dreamed it. But I was wrong. Especially after reading his recounting of it. Most out say it was too good to be true. But luckily for me, this time. My dreams bled into reality.

I wasn't even going to out walking then. But Kelly and I had a screaming match. He confronted me with so much information. About whether or not I tried to convince Ella to kill Gavin. And what I did to my daughter. If I lied about if it wasn't my fault.

I knew where he had gotten all that. My file must be the size of the New York City phone book by now. But I told him the truth. That Ella was a very mixed up girl and she would do anything for anyone if she thought that her actions would make them love her more. And that I would never hurt Gavin. We cared about each other, but I just wasn't able to give he what he needed.

And as for my precious child, I went over it. And I didn't fight back the tears. This time.

He called me a liar. That the evidence against me was almost bullet proof. He said that he was anger with himself for being taken in by "a manipulative serial killer," and that whatever he felt was just as fake as my "stories."

He told me to lose his address and never speak to him or the children again. And just like that, he was gone. Out of my life. All because of my alleged misdeeds.

I just couldn't stay in. No matter what I felt like. So, I walked. Trying to out run the pain that was mounting inside. I decided to let the tears flow.

The night air was exceptionally chilly against my wet face. But I just internalize it all. And nothing felt real. Like I was dreaming. But it had to be....Because my heart was breaking. I've grown accustomed to that feeling.

And just like magic...I saw him. Dazed, looking like he was in a dream himself. And I wondered what brought him out this evening. He already made sure that Kelly knew everything about me, which brought on the demise...

No, this. This mess is specifically mine. I wasn't truthful. I hid. I lied. Bobby might have put the final nail in the coffin....But I constructed it.

But it didn't matter. He was happy, well, supposed to be happy. But he didn't look it. He looked upset....About someone. More like, worry.

I wanted to stop and turn back. Go home and sulk. But, I kept on. Walking towards him. Not knowing whether he knew it was me or not. But I think we can almost sense each other by now.

Everything was just reaction it seemed. I couldn't control it.

Where I was closer, I felt myself look up. And time seemed to stop. He reached out and took me in his arms. And I let go of all that anger and resentment I had towards him. Let his body support the heavy weight that I endure everyday. And I returned his embrace. And rested my head on his chest. Listening to the sweet melodic rhythm of his heart. The sweet song it sang...Only for me. A lullaby that will lull me to sleep until my last breath, no doubt.

Just to be safe. Happy. At peace. All in his arms. I know it was only seconds, but it seemed like we were in our own space and time. There was so much I could have said. Volumes....But instead, neither of us said one word. Just held each other. Like it was our last chance for something.

I opened my eyes, and glanced over to see an elderly couple. The woman saw us and smiled. Like she too once longed for something that precious. And her smile was to say, "Now, just don't let go." I wished for the world that I wouldn't have to.

But I....I needed to get back to reality. As did he. I gently pushed back. And instinctively, I took his hand...One of the very hands that ignited this fire...And kissed it. Maybe as to say thank you or maybe to rekindle some of the flames.

I smiled and slowly backed away. And yet, I wondered. Why tonight did we find each other? And why did he pick now to embrace me?

Perhaps he could feel the pain I was in. Or perhaps he felt some form of guilt for, whatever he perceived as being his fault.

It didn't matter though. No matter what happens, who our tale ends, I will always have this moment. One perfect moment in time. Where we actually allowed our emotions to run the show.

However, I was reluctant to share this with everyone else. Because now, it's not just ours...It's your moment at well. Your moment to ridicule and defame.

Just, for once, don't ruin it for me. I think I've had enough ruined this week.