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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Natural Reaction

I was asked about reflecting on vacation.

That was the purpose in being alone.

Sitting on a beach at sunset. Gazing out at the clear ocean....Seeing the sun slowly sink....And marveling at the wonder that is this world. And thinking about everything that's happened in my life.

I would like to think I'm a bit different now than I was a few years ago. I think I've learned to let many things go. Get them out. Free myself from their shackles.

Most of what I did to hurt Bobby was just reacting. He tried to destroy this careful lie that I had built for myself. And made me hear the truth that I was still hiding from in that lie. And that was something I wasn't ready for.

So, when I decided to get his attention a second time. I wanted to make his life a living nightmare. And I did just that. At the time, I found it to be most amusing. Even coming up to him that restaurant.....Made it all worth while.

But, I will tell you. That was mere chance that he was there. But he already knew by then. I could see it.

I do feel sorry for doing that to him. I was still very much at war with my own emotions. I felt connected to him.....But I didn't understand how just yet. But I wanted to make sure that I kept my distance.

"You blew it Nicole! Your one chance for happiness. And you had to come back to me. That's the price of denial."

And yet another battle of words. And for the second that we stopped hurling missiles at each other...And I was inches from him....I knew what connected me to him. It was too late. I knew.

A part of me was comforted by the fact that there was one person that I didn't feel rage for....But now came the hard part. Not letting him catch onto it.

I covered well for a long time. But eventually, you just can't deny it.

The price of denial- Always moving in the same circle. Never moving forward.

The price of love- Worth any and all the suffering in the world.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Even God Took A Vacation

What a difference a week can make. Nothing but sun, sand, and surf as far as the eye can see. And I feel more like. Myself. For the first time in ages.

I decided to take off and leave without telling a soul. Just to clear my head. Get it back on straight. I didn't take anyone. And I didn't meet anyone. Not that there was a shortage. I just decided that I should enjoy my solitude. Something I've tried to avoid...

And I found that being alone was the answer. I could finally think. I wasn't consumed by pleasing anyone but myself. I didn't have to check in....I felt free.

And I could sleep too. Wonderful, sleep-filled nights. And....No dreams about Bobby.

Not that I didn't think of him from time to time. But it was more like, that perhaps he needed a change of scenery to give him perspective as well.

After this time of reflection, I've learned that he will always be the man I love. There's nothing that will change that. No matter what that means. And that, it wouldn't be fair to anyone else to fall in love with me....Because I wouldn't be able to give them all of myself.

I would still habor feelings for him.

If that means being alone forever, so be it. It's worth it. I feel safe in knowing that my heart, to some extent is happy.

Now, I'm not saying that if I could find someone that I could love more than him...That I wouldn't give it a go. But, unless my heart grows larger.....

How does that go...Born with a heart, two sizes to small....

Terrible affliction I have. But I've learned to live with it.

Live.....And that's what I will always do.

Thursday, March 16, 2006


I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going and I don't now why,
but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been when love was wilder than the wind.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


I know I haven't been saying much lately. But I feel drained. Like some life force is being drained out of me....I only wish I knew where it was going.

But on the up side, the season is changing. I don't normally like the spring, due to the rain and all, but once the sun is out...Watching the children play does bring some simple joy to my dismal existence.

About the rain though.....

The power of a storm. The sound of the thunder and the flashes of lighting. It's amazing. Beautiful and destructive. Hmm, I'm sure those words could be used to describe me at some point....

There are even some grown adults that are afraid of storms. Due to some past experience with them...Something terrible must have happened to instill this in them.

Most children are terrified of them....Yet at the same time, fascinated. In spite of themselves, they have to know why storms are just that.

And still, the most amazing thing to me is...The calm after the storm. The way the pavement smell after a fresh rain...And how renewed the world seems. Even if only for a few moments.....The rain washes away all the darkness and sins of the day....

Now, it's fresh for you to reclaim.

Renewal...Isn't that what spring is all about.....

Sunday, March 12, 2006


I know I've been quiet lately. I've just been sitting back. Saying things when I need to. But other than that....

Plus, I feel like I should only say something when there is wisdom or some observation to impart.

I've been thinking a lot about mirrors.

What do we see reflected? Some see what's actually in front of them. But those are rare. Some see a distorted version of themselves. Either they see themselves as out of shape or they see something that is greater than what they are.

I wish I could say I can stand in front of a mirror and actually see myself. But that wouldn't be very truthful. Mind you, I see aspects of who I am...But just little bits and pieces at a time. Most of what I see is what I loathe most.

But the mirror in my bathroom wasn't really the object of most torture for me.

A one way mirror. You know the very one I'm talking about.

How many times have I stood in front of him there...Without actually seeing him behind it...But I knew he was standing right in front of me.

And just standing there. Our gazes locked. For me, it's like...He's looking at the embodiment of all his darkest shadows, and what he could have become when he stares at me.

It's not the fault of the glass that I can't see through it. My own darkness clouds it. But I can imagine all that I could have become. And I remember what that looks like.

It serves a purpose. It's sobering. But I need that every now and again. Brings it in focus.

It doesn't allow my reflection to get distorted. It makes sure I see myself what I am. The things in my life that has brought me here....

And every time I see my reflection. How badly I want him to be standing on the other side of the glass.

One can hope...One can dream...But only the fools rely on those hopes and dreams. That they will come reality.

But that's just a distorted reflection.

Makes me wish for a magic mirror with all the answers. But that would be too easy.

Lord knows I can't have anything come easy.....

Monday, March 06, 2006


I've always wanted some form of normal. Or at least, normal to others.

I wanted parents who didn't screw my childhood up. Men that didn't treat me like something they scraped off the bottom of their shoe. And I never wanted to be the focus of a police investigation or two...Believe me.

But maybe, this is normal. I will always be an outcast. I will never be allowed to experience happiness.

To have true happiness, you have to let your soul free....And when you don't have much of one left....It's hard to allow that to happen. In addition to that, it seems like there will always be some cruel twist of fate that will never allow for it either.

For example, let's think about Gavin...Just for a moment. He wanted something I couldn't provide for him. It's not that I didn't want to, it just wasn't and isn't possible. Sad, but true. And all it took was one small question for the entire relationship to crash and burn.

He stood by my side through a criminal trial.....And never doubted my innocence. Make no mistake, I appreciate it and I won't ever forget it....But, after that one question....It would never be the same.

And perhaps the best star-crossed lovers story since Romeo and Juliet...There's Bobby. We always have said....If things would have/could have been different...If you wouldn't have met so and so....And if I wasn't this....

Then we could possess a love that most can only dream about.

But, life is cruel. And we will always be left to wonder, what if?

Of course, that's just the norm.

Even now, I wonder.....Will I always be doomed to compare every man in my life to him?

If that is the case....These men will never measure up.

The one person in my life that's perfect for me.....Is also charged with bringing me to whatever justice I would be entitled to.

....Unfortunately, not the use of handcuffs I've dreamed of.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


Have you ever heard of those tribes that don't like to have their pictures taken because they believe that the camera steals part of your soul?

Ever really given thought to that.

Well, I've been thinking about all the photos that I have of myself. And thinking what little parts of my soul are trapped in them.

For example, anything I've ever sent to Bobby has a little piece of it. That side of it that wants him to know that I'm still here. Just waiting for another encounter. Another touch. Another anything.

Or there are those pictures that I have, which are few and far between, from when I was a child. I can see the forced smile. The pain that was behind my eyes. All in my face. And it was like I gave it the part of my soul that was still innocent. Still hopeful. Still wishing.

Praying for a savior.

But these photos. Moments in time frozen forever. You can hold it in your hands and look back. A rare opportunity, since all moments seem to fly by without any nevermind to the human soul's desires.

How many people have pictures of them with a secret crush? Honestly. You don't have the courage to even speak to them but the opportunity presents itself at a party or some other social function to get a picture with them.

You seize that moment. And for that moment....You and that person are together. And it's perfect. Forever captured on film. Nothing goes wrong in those pictures. It's exactly how it's supposed to be.

It's like you're trying to bottle it. Keep it untouched by human flaw. Without the things that mess up all relationships.

Cheating. Lying. Scape-goating.

What brought this all to mind was I was listening to a song from a musical...And it just got to me....It's all about capturing the moment you have. And taking for all it's worth. Just as long as you have that precious moment. Never waste it.....

"Just for this moment.
As long as your mine.
Come be how you want to.
And see how bright we shine.
Borrow the moonlight.
Until it is through.
And know, I'll be here.
Holding you.
As long as you're mine."