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Monday, March 06, 2006

Backwards

I've always wanted some form of normal. Or at least, normal to others.

I wanted parents who didn't screw my childhood up. Men that didn't treat me like something they scraped off the bottom of their shoe. And I never wanted to be the focus of a police investigation or two...Believe me.

But maybe, this is normal. I will always be an outcast. I will never be allowed to experience happiness.

To have true happiness, you have to let your soul free....And when you don't have much of one left....It's hard to allow that to happen. In addition to that, it seems like there will always be some cruel twist of fate that will never allow for it either.

For example, let's think about Gavin...Just for a moment. He wanted something I couldn't provide for him. It's not that I didn't want to, it just wasn't and isn't possible. Sad, but true. And all it took was one small question for the entire relationship to crash and burn.

He stood by my side through a criminal trial.....And never doubted my innocence. Make no mistake, I appreciate it and I won't ever forget it....But, after that one question....It would never be the same.

And perhaps the best star-crossed lovers story since Romeo and Juliet...There's Bobby. We always have said....If things would have/could have been different...If you wouldn't have met so and so....And if I wasn't this....

Then we could possess a love that most can only dream about.

But, life is cruel. And we will always be left to wonder, what if?

Of course, that's just the norm.

Even now, I wonder.....Will I always be doomed to compare every man in my life to him?

If that is the case....These men will never measure up.

The one person in my life that's perfect for me.....Is also charged with bringing me to whatever justice I would be entitled to.

....Unfortunately, not the use of handcuffs I've dreamed of.

9 Comments:

At 3:07 AM, Blogger Shadow of a Joke said...

Perhaps an insane asylum would be more appropriate

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

You do have to let your soul free . . . and there are some hard things you have to do in order to make that happen. Have you ever considered exorcism - seriously?
Kate+

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger VDOFan said...

Well, I am totally speechlees. I totally agree with ya and feel for you at the same time.

hugs Janice

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

Exorcism...Insane asylum....

Well, if I was locked away in a looney bin...maybe I could get a vistor or two....

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Virginia Dare said...

Why is Bobby so great again? Because he must punish you. Oh yeah, star-crossed alright. Nicole, if he was not a cop you wouldn't look at him twice baby. And you're like, my favorite, so I'm not saying it to be rude. I think its exactly the use of handcuffs you think you deserve.

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger aboutnici said...

I also feel speechless and also I feel for you!

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

Oh...I think I would look more than twice.

I do realize you say it out of concern/truth...Whichever you speak out of...

He's facinating. I find his darkness to be one of the most endearing qualities.

But if you are suggesting that I know above all else what I truly deserve....

That remains to be seen....

 
At 8:25 PM, Blogger mrsbg said...

"If you wouldn't have met so and so..... "

Well he did, and he has, and it's moi.... so there Nicole, go stuff that in your pipe and smoke it.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Virginia Dare said...

I'm saying you think you deserve to be punished, that you don't truly deserve to be happy, that happiness is something for other people...so you are attracted to that which you think you deserve. Oh wait, I'm talking about myself again, nevermind.

 

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