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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Even God Took A Vacation

What a difference a week can make. Nothing but sun, sand, and surf as far as the eye can see. And I feel more like. Myself. For the first time in ages.

I decided to take off and leave without telling a soul. Just to clear my head. Get it back on straight. I didn't take anyone. And I didn't meet anyone. Not that there was a shortage. I just decided that I should enjoy my solitude. Something I've tried to avoid...

And I found that being alone was the answer. I could finally think. I wasn't consumed by pleasing anyone but myself. I didn't have to check in....I felt free.

And I could sleep too. Wonderful, sleep-filled nights. And....No dreams about Bobby.

Not that I didn't think of him from time to time. But it was more like, that perhaps he needed a change of scenery to give him perspective as well.

After this time of reflection, I've learned that he will always be the man I love. There's nothing that will change that. No matter what that means. And that, it wouldn't be fair to anyone else to fall in love with me....Because I wouldn't be able to give them all of myself.

I would still habor feelings for him.

If that means being alone forever, so be it. It's worth it. I feel safe in knowing that my heart, to some extent is happy.

Now, I'm not saying that if I could find someone that I could love more than him...That I wouldn't give it a go. But, unless my heart grows larger.....

How does that go...Born with a heart, two sizes to small....

Terrible affliction I have. But I've learned to live with it.

Live.....And that's what I will always do.

3 Comments:

At 8:14 AM, Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

You "love" him? What do you mean by "love"? Torturing him, as you did over Dan Croyden, is not the way in which love manifests itself. The demons within you, cause your "love" to be a destructive force in the lives of others who come into contact with you. Not to sound like the priest that I am, but the gifts of the spirit are known by their fruits. And you have left a path of devastation and death in your wake. Did you use any of that time away to reflect on this? Redemption is always held out to us, but its grace isn't cheap. . . we all feel compassion for you as a victim, but you have yet to admit and come to terms with the fact that you are a perpetrator as well. I am doing my best to pray for you.
Kate+

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger MartyF said...

A heart two sizes too small....

You do know what they said about the Grinch?

 
At 2:32 PM, Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

But reflection is another topic my dear.

I'll explain. In due time.

Ironic that I find the most similarities for myself in a children's story isn't it?

 

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