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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Natural Reaction

I was asked about reflecting on vacation.

That was the purpose in being alone.

Sitting on a beach at sunset. Gazing out at the clear ocean....Seeing the sun slowly sink....And marveling at the wonder that is this world. And thinking about everything that's happened in my life.

I would like to think I'm a bit different now than I was a few years ago. I think I've learned to let many things go. Get them out. Free myself from their shackles.

Most of what I did to hurt Bobby was just reacting. He tried to destroy this careful lie that I had built for myself. And made me hear the truth that I was still hiding from in that lie. And that was something I wasn't ready for.

So, when I decided to get his attention a second time. I wanted to make his life a living nightmare. And I did just that. At the time, I found it to be most amusing. Even coming up to him that restaurant.....Made it all worth while.

But, I will tell you. That was mere chance that he was there. But he already knew by then. I could see it.

I do feel sorry for doing that to him. I was still very much at war with my own emotions. I felt connected to him.....But I didn't understand how just yet. But I wanted to make sure that I kept my distance.

"You blew it Nicole! Your one chance for happiness. And you had to come back to me. That's the price of denial."

And yet another battle of words. And for the second that we stopped hurling missiles at each other...And I was inches from him....I knew what connected me to him. It was too late. I knew.

A part of me was comforted by the fact that there was one person that I didn't feel rage for....But now came the hard part. Not letting him catch onto it.

I covered well for a long time. But eventually, you just can't deny it.

The price of denial- Always moving in the same circle. Never moving forward.

The price of love- Worth any and all the suffering in the world.


At 4:04 PM, Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Oh, Lord - we are all stuck in this definition of suffering as a component of love! The purpose of love is to end suffering, not to keep the cycle going. And denial is part of what makes the suffering go on and on and on . . . You do denial very well, Nicole. You are sorry you hurt Bobby. Well, I suppose that's a step on the road to repentance, but you still have a long way to travel. There is a place inside each of you that connects with the other. Calling it love is another tool of denial that helps you avoid the truth of who you are and what you have done. How well read are you in psychology? What is going on between you and Bobby is articulated very well by Carl Jung. And while you're at the library, you might move on from "The Grinch" to Conrad's "Heart of Darkness." I am trying to stay with you in this struggle, but must confess I have to really resist the urge to run for bell, book and candle. Praying for you as best I can,

At 5:57 PM, Blogger Unrequited said...

Thank you, thank you Rev.Dr.Kate.


At 1:26 AM, Blogger Isabella Manning said...

All Nicle Wallace knows is suffering and death.

The only thing redeeming she can do is confess her crimes and pay for them.

At 4:29 PM, Blogger aboutnici said...

What are you talking about, Isabella?

At 9:24 PM, Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

I think she means there is no saving me.

That the only sensible thing to do is "turn myself in."

And maybe, just maybe. God will have mercy on my pathetic soul.

At 7:35 AM, Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Yes - God will have mercy on your soul and you can be restored to some form of wholeness (which is meant by "saving") - if you truly are sorry and take responsiblity for your actions. And any responsible confessor would make absolution for you conditional on your making full and compete disclosure of your crimes to the authorities. But my sense is that you aren't ready or able to go here - you are much more like the thief who is sorry - not sorry that he stole, but terribly, terribly sorry he got caught . . .

At 8:32 PM, Blogger Dr. Elizabeth Olivet said...

Confession is a cultural construct...There is no real evidence that it is indeed, good for the soul as the saying goes. I don't even know whose side I'm on anymore.


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