Nicole Wallace

The Sounds of Silence

2006-05-18T03:45:00.000-04:00

I just took a little time to sit back and just listen. See where that gets me.

Very interesting what is said and heard through the quiet.

Depressing Insights....

2006-04-12T15:26:00.000-04:00

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips

And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

Procedure

2006-04-06T21:42:00.000-04:00

Just following the rules. Going by the book. Doing as you're told.

Where's the fun in that?

You know, I've never been one for doing things the way someone else or society tells you to do it. That only you yourself can decide how to live. How to react. How to be.

It amazes me how much of some people's lives are consumed by some sort of order. Due to someone else imposing rules on them.

And these rules dictate everything.

From whom they date. Whom they are friends with. What job they have. What clothes they wear. Probably even when they should sleep and how much.

Why can't we all just do what we feel? Just act on emotion. Instead of wandering around like fools, slaves to a book instead of what should be driving us.....

Almost sad.

But I guess that's how it goes. We as people have to follow the rules.

Rules that someone else made up.

I say, less of by the book. More fun. I bet people would enjoy life.

Instead of forgetting to live it.

Feel Like I'm Dreaming

2006-04-05T13:33:00.000-04:00

I thought sleepwalking was something a person made up to explain away odd behavior. Turns out, it exists.

At least, that's how I have envisioned myself getting anything accomplished in the past few days. In my sleep.

Even since returning to the city, I haven't been able to have one peaceful night. The dreams have returned. So too has that overwhelming feeling of dread as I drift off to sleep.

It's like this place has a hold on me. Maybe it's some feeling of guilt. Perhaps because I'm not doing what I'm meant for. But then again, maybe I am and don't want it.

But you can't change destiny. Or fate. Or your purpose in life. Whatever you want to call it.

It was meant for you. Maybe as a punishment, but it's yours.

I just hope I can find some comfort in knowing that I haven't been running into any familiar faces. At least...

not yet.....

Natural Reaction

2006-03-29T14:32:00.000-05:00

I was asked about reflecting on vacation.

That was the purpose in being alone.

Sitting on a beach at sunset. Gazing out at the clear ocean....Seeing the sun slowly sink....And marveling at the wonder that is this world. And thinking about everything that's happened in my life.

I would like to think I'm a bit different now than I was a few years ago. I think I've learned to let many things go. Get them out. Free myself from their shackles.

Most of what I did to hurt Bobby was just reacting. He tried to destroy this careful lie that I had built for myself. And made me hear the truth that I was still hiding from in that lie. And that was something I wasn't ready for.

So, when I decided to get his attention a second time. I wanted to make his life a living nightmare. And I did just that. At the time, I found it to be most amusing. Even coming up to him that restaurant.....Made it all worth while.

But, I will tell you. That was mere chance that he was there. But he already knew by then. I could see it.

I do feel sorry for doing that to him. I was still very much at war with my own emotions. I felt connected to him.....But I didn't understand how just yet. But I wanted to make sure that I kept my distance.

"You blew it Nicole! Your one chance for happiness. And you had to come back to me. That's the price of denial."

And yet another battle of words. And for the second that we stopped hurling missiles at each other...And I was inches from him....I knew what connected me to him. It was too late. I knew.

A part of me was comforted by the fact that there was one person that I didn't feel rage for....But now came the hard part. Not letting him catch onto it.

I covered well for a long time. But eventually, you just can't deny it.

The price of denial- Always moving in the same circle. Never moving forward.

The price of love- Worth any and all the suffering in the world.

Even God Took A Vacation

2006-03-28T16:10:00.000-05:00

What a difference a week can make. Nothing but sun, sand, and surf as far as the eye can see. And I feel more like. Myself. For the first time in ages.

I decided to take off and leave without telling a soul. Just to clear my head. Get it back on straight. I didn't take anyone. And I didn't meet anyone. Not that there was a shortage. I just decided that I should enjoy my solitude. Something I've tried to avoid...

And I found that being alone was the answer. I could finally think. I wasn't consumed by pleasing anyone but myself. I didn't have to check in....I felt free.

And I could sleep too. Wonderful, sleep-filled nights. And....No dreams about Bobby.

Not that I didn't think of him from time to time. But it was more like, that perhaps he needed a change of scenery to give him perspective as well.

After this time of reflection, I've learned that he will always be the man I love. There's nothing that will change that. No matter what that means. And that, it wouldn't be fair to anyone else to fall in love with me....Because I wouldn't be able to give them all of myself.

I would still habor feelings for him.

If that means being alone forever, so be it. It's worth it. I feel safe in knowing that my heart, to some extent is happy.

Now, I'm not saying that if I could find someone that I could love more than him...That I wouldn't give it a go. But, unless my heart grows larger.....

How does that go...Born with a heart, two sizes to small....

Terrible affliction I have. But I've learned to live with it.

Live.....And that's what I will always do.

.....

2006-03-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going and I don't now why,
but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been when love was wilder than the wind.

Charge

2006-03-15T13:32:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't been saying much lately. But I feel drained. Like some life force is being drained out of me....I only wish I knew where it was going.

But on the up side, the season is changing. I don't normally like the spring, due to the rain and all, but once the sun is out...Watching the children play does bring some simple joy to my dismal existence.

About the rain though.....

The power of a storm. The sound of the thunder and the flashes of lighting. It's amazing. Beautiful and destructive. Hmm, I'm sure those words could be used to describe me at some point....

There are even some grown adults that are afraid of storms. Due to some past experience with them...Something terrible must have happened to instill this in them.

Most children are terrified of them....Yet at the same time, fascinated. In spite of themselves, they have to know why storms are just that.

And still, the most amazing thing to me is...The calm after the storm. The way the pavement smell after a fresh rain...And how renewed the world seems. Even if only for a few moments.....The rain washes away all the darkness and sins of the day....

Now, it's fresh for you to reclaim.

Renewal...Isn't that what spring is all about.....

Reflections

2006-03-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

I know I've been quiet lately. I've just been sitting back. Saying things when I need to. But other than that....

Plus, I feel like I should only say something when there is wisdom or some observation to impart.

I've been thinking a lot about mirrors.

What do we see reflected? Some see what's actually in front of them. But those are rare. Some see a distorted version of themselves. Either they see themselves as out of shape or they see something that is greater than what they are.

I wish I could say I can stand in front of a mirror and actually see myself. But that wouldn't be very truthful. Mind you, I see aspects of who I am...But just little bits and pieces at a time. Most of what I see is what I loathe most.

But the mirror in my bathroom wasn't really the object of most torture for me.

A one way mirror. You know the very one I'm talking about.

How many times have I stood in front of him there...Without actually seeing him behind it...But I knew he was standing right in front of me.

And just standing there. Our gazes locked. For me, it's like...He's looking at the embodiment of all his darkest shadows, and what he could have become when he stares at me.

It's not the fault of the glass that I can't see through it. My own darkness clouds it. But I can imagine all that I could have become. And I remember what that looks like.

It serves a purpose. It's sobering. But I need that every now and again. Brings it in focus.

It doesn't allow my reflection to get distorted. It makes sure I see myself what I am. The things in my life that has brought me here....

And every time I see my reflection. How badly I want him to be standing on the other side of the glass.

One can hope...One can dream...But only the fools rely on those hopes and dreams. That they will come reality.

But that's just a distorted reflection.

Makes me wish for a magic mirror with all the answers. But that would be too easy.

Lord knows I can't have anything come easy.....

Backwards

2006-03-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

I've always wanted some form of normal. Or at least, normal to others.

I wanted parents who didn't screw my childhood up. Men that didn't treat me like something they scraped off the bottom of their shoe. And I never wanted to be the focus of a police investigation or two...Believe me.

But maybe, this is normal. I will always be an outcast. I will never be allowed to experience happiness.

To have true happiness, you have to let your soul free....And when you don't have much of one left....It's hard to allow that to happen. In addition to that, it seems like there will always be some cruel twist of fate that will never allow for it either.

For example, let's think about Gavin...Just for a moment. He wanted something I couldn't provide for him. It's not that I didn't want to, it just wasn't and isn't possible. Sad, but true. And all it took was one small question for the entire relationship to crash and burn.

He stood by my side through a criminal trial.....And never doubted my innocence. Make no mistake, I appreciate it and I won't ever forget it....But, after that one question....It would never be the same.

And perhaps the best star-crossed lovers story since Romeo and Juliet...There's Bobby. We always have said....If things would have/could have been different...If you wouldn't have met so and so....And if I wasn't this....

Then we could possess a love that most can only dream about.

But, life is cruel. And we will always be left to wonder, what if?

Of course, that's just the norm.

Even now, I wonder.....Will I always be doomed to compare every man in my life to him?

If that is the case....These men will never measure up.

The one person in my life that's perfect for me.....Is also charged with bringing me to whatever justice I would be entitled to.

....Unfortunately, not the use of handcuffs I've dreamed of.

Writhe

2006-03-02T21:05:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard of those tribes that don't like to have their pictures taken because they believe that the camera steals part of your soul?

Ever really given thought to that.

Well, I've been thinking about all the photos that I have of myself. And thinking what little parts of my soul are trapped in them.

For example, anything I've ever sent to Bobby has a little piece of it. That side of it that wants him to know that I'm still here. Just waiting for another encounter. Another touch. Another anything.

Or there are those pictures that I have, which are few and far between, from when I was a child. I can see the forced smile. The pain that was behind my eyes. All in my face. And it was like I gave it the part of my soul that was still innocent. Still hopeful. Still wishing.

Praying for a savior.

But these photos. Moments in time frozen forever. You can hold it in your hands and look back. A rare opportunity, since all moments seem to fly by without any nevermind to the human soul's desires.

How many people have pictures of them with a secret crush? Honestly. You don't have the courage to even speak to them but the opportunity presents itself at a party or some other social function to get a picture with them.

You seize that moment. And for that moment....You and that person are together. And it's perfect. Forever captured on film. Nothing goes wrong in those pictures. It's exactly how it's supposed to be.

It's like you're trying to bottle it. Keep it untouched by human flaw. Without the things that mess up all relationships.

Cheating. Lying. Scape-goating.

What brought this all to mind was I was listening to a song from a musical...And it just got to me....It's all about capturing the moment you have. And taking for all it's worth. Just as long as you have that precious moment. Never waste it.....

"Just for this moment.
As long as your mine.
Come be how you want to.
And see how bright we shine.
Borrow the moonlight.
Until it is through.
And know, I'll be here.
Holding you.
As long as you're mine."

Opposite

2006-02-27T14:28:00.000-05:00

The world thrives on it. For every right there is a wrong; every death a new life.

And every hero has to have a villain.

We as people have to have the contrast of it. If something terrible never happened, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good in life. Think of it. If you never had a bad week at work, you wouldn't enjoy that phone call from a relative so much.

If a woman never had the pain of childbirth, she couldn't possible appreciate the joy of having that new life in her arms.

And when we lose someone close to us, we discover new relationships that we didn't think would ever be possible. People that we can lean on that seemed out of reach before are now at your fingertips.

As for the hero, well. If he didn't have the villains to defeat, he wouldn't be the hero. He would be living a life without purpose. He would be going through the motions. Just making it through.

However. A hero always needs a polar opposite. If someone who was his match didn't exist somewhere in this linear space.....His victories wouldn't be as fulfilling.

A nemesis.

But the villain needs the hero. But not some watered down version of that person. They need them at full potentcy. Or outwitting them wouldn't be as fun. The game would be pointless. Their existence would go unnoticed. Futhermore, if there wasn't a hero to stop them.....They could do as they please.

Reeking havoc on the world. With no consequences.

And I'm not just talking about myself here. Think about yourselves and that person that you know is your opposite. Your nemesis. And what your life would be without them.

A tad empty. I assure you.

It's been said that opposites attract. It's only because they need each other.

Need...Base human emotion. Always seems too simple to me.

More Pablo

2006-02-24T14:15:00.000-05:00

Don't go far off, not even for a day,
because -- because -- I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour,
because then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment
you'll have gone so far I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

After All

2006-02-22T02:00:00.000-05:00

You ever wonder what event made you the person you are today?

Sure, you've lived a life and several things have impacted you. But there is always one single event that shapes your entire life. The worst part about it is, it impacts you even if you don't know it yet.

For example, a boy witnesses his mother beaten by his own father. Now, this boy grows up and he knows his parents little secret. But he notices that his mother obeys his father. No questions. And then he thinks, he wants a woman to do just that for him.

So, he grows up to think that the only way to make women listen is to beat them. And he does exactly that. Then, subsequently, beats a girlfriend to death because she didn't fix his eggs right.

Or a three year boy that never hears the word "no".....Which is all well and good, to avoid fits of course.....

Until he turns sixteen and his girlfriend tells him "no"....And he turns into a rapist.

I think the one event that has shaped my life is the day my father said to me, "this is how daddies are supposed to love their daughters."

I knew better. But it caused me to hold such a low opinion of myself that I thought that I was worthless. Disposable.

And all it took was for one self absorbed bastard to see that venerable. And then to show me what to do with all that pent up rage. Exactly how to unleash it.

Of course, it's not fair to place all the blame with them. But they do own a large percentage of it.

There are some that would say I had a choice? Really....

Turn in my father to the authorities and break up my family. Yes, that would have gone so well. Plus, I don't think I would have had the strength.

Ironically enough, because of who I am today, I would have the strength. Because I know it wasn't my fault. I was just born into it.

And Bernard...What was I to do? Stay home. Be Daddy's little girl forever....

I was in an improbable situation with seemingly impossible odds.

The worst part isn't thinking about what I could have done. The worst is the guilt for not trying.

But I did do one thing right. I proved my father and Bernard both wrong.

I've got on just fine without them. And I'm empowered.

.....As well as can be expected.

Always the Little Things

2006-02-20T21:44:00.000-05:00

A smile. A nod. Holding a door for another. Helping someone carry their heavy load.

These things. Most of us don't think about doing them. It's just a habit. And common courtesy. But to some people, these things are what keep them going.

Even I fall into the category.

When I'm feeling the worst, and I'm out walking, face focused on my feet...That's when I look up and some stranger smiles. As if to say, "It will get better." It's not like they owe it to me. They just do it.

And for that moment in time. I feel better. That one person impacted my life. With just a smile or a nod.

I wonder what this world would be like if no one every offered these small tokens of emotion.

How cold it would be. How hopeless. Meaningless......

Even saying hello to a passing person. What if you were the only person that spoke to them today? What if they felt like they didn't exist until you said hello? Imagine the power that holds. Just small, simple things.

Just amazing. All my life I've looked for some big way to take control....And all I needed to do was something so small.

Irony. Just figures.

A little Pablo Neruda

2006-02-19T16:53:00.000-05:00

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me,
all day I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh, your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight, hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

Public Displays of Attraction

2006-02-18T00:19:00.000-05:00

Before anyone has anything smart to say, I didn't even mean to run into them. I just chanced upon them.

That being said. I will continue with my tale for the evening.

First of all, my day started so well. I had a fantastic work out and was feeling like I could conquer the world.

Which led me to my next course of action, I made the phone call. I called Kelly, at work, and asked him to meet me around six or so, and I would explain everything to him.

Of course, that led me to spend the rest of my day with anticipation and dread. But that's no more different that any day.

Around six, I went to the restaurant where Kelly and I were meeting. Nothing like a full stomach to deliver bad news. So, I watched him come in and sit in front of me. And I knew from just the way he sat, this was going to be all business.

So, I proceeded as such. I let him ask all the questions. It just works better that way.

He wanted to know all about my trial. And all about my previous relationships. And I obliged him. I was as honest as I needed to be.

Then the big one...

"And when were you planning on telling me that you were a murder?"

It was like I was kicked square in the chest. I was so stunned. I didn't have an answer other than.

"I didn't think it would have gotten this far."

And then he just stared at me. I could see the rage burning behind his eyes.

"I ruined my life because of you. But I suppose that's just fine. Because that's what you do, Nicole. You destroy everything. So everyone on is miserable. "

"I just wanted to be normal. If only for the moment."

"Normal? A normal life....It's not for you Nicole."

And he was gone. All I was left with was pain and that feeling of deja vu.....Bobby's words echoed through him. It just rubbed a pound of salt in the deep cut he left.

I went home and tried to get rid of the feeling. I took a bath. I read....But after hours of trying, I knew I needed to just go out. Forget him.

In the time honored tradition of having a drink or four...Hundred.

And I had already decided to go wherever interested me. Not just the nearest. But also, it needed something intimate about it...In other words, dark.

I thought I had found the perfect place. I just felt drawn to it. Like I didn't have any other choice but to go in. I stopped and ordered a Black Russian and while I was waiting for my drink, that's when I knew. He was there....

I started scanning the room, drink in hand. And I found him alright, in the darkest corner. And he was with....Her.

Isabella Manning. Foul wench. And they seemed to be quite cozy.

I just watched for what seemed like ages. Trying to gather my composure. Watching them laugh and chat. I noticed the sly touches. Those ones that only lovers share. I must admit, I felt the jealousy start to bubble, just a tad.

Now, a nice person would have left them alone. But since when do I play nice?

I waited until they got up to leave and made sure I would run right into them....And accidentally spill my drink....Or what was left of it, on to that wretch.

You should have seen her face.....Then I said that I was sorry.

Ha, his eyes almost feel right out of his head. He knew. And I, of course said hello. She didn't much care for the chat. She made that very clear to me.

Which was fine. I think after what I had to say, we drew the line in the sand. So to speak.

It was what she said before they went out the door.

"Oh, thanks for spilling that on me. Means I have a really good reason to take this off as soon as we get back. Till we meet again. Nikki."

She should learn her place. You know, the one other than on her back.

And she should take the time to learn about subtlety....It would serve her well.

Whispers in the Dark

2006-02-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

Call me paranoid, but I always wonder what people think about me.

You know, when you pass a group of people and they snicker, are they snickering at you or did they just have some terribly funny inside joke? Or maybe they just do it to make people paranoid. Like it's a twisted hobby.

Or, what do people say about you when you aren't standing in front of them? With myself, I pretty much guarantee that they would say the same thing. But with others, I'm not so sure they're that honest.

I don't know what brought this topic about, but it was just nipping at my fingers; just waiting to be typed.

But I'm sure what you really want to know about is the "talk" with Kelly.

....Since he didn't answer the phone, and hasn't returned my call. My guess is that the "talk" will have to wait. Personally, I don't know what he's waiting on.

Who am I kidding....He's probably has a copy of my file open on his desk. Finding out every little thing about me.....

Knowing that he's doing just that. I feel, violated. Like my most precious secrets were exposed and now there's nothing left to shield myself with.

I'm also quite sure that if he's getting very close to having a conversation with Bobby, about me. And I can just see where that will go. They might even share a good chuckle over what a massive conundrum my life is.

Well, if that is the case, at least I could provide them with some entertainment.

Don't think I won't tell him. I have to....I owe it to him, for deceiving him in the first place. And not the whole truth. I figure I tell him just about as much as he would already know.

Have to play by the rules you know.

At least soon this dreadful week will end and there will be a brand new one. To do with whatever we wish.

Renewal. Rebirth. Regret......Hmm, funny how well those words string together.

I try not to ever look back. The past is just that. The past. There's nothing you can do in the present to change it. The only thing the past can do is teach you what to do in the present to change your future. And every future is unlimited.

And the ghosts that haunt us....I don't think we can ever leave them all behind. How else can we learn if they aren't there speaking to us about these mistakes and warning us not to do it again?

My past, present and future. All pretty bleak once you look at them. But then again, if something dreadfully tragic would happened to me....Who would miss me?

....Well, I can think of one person.

Super Fantastic

2006-02-15T23:03:00.000-05:00

It's seems that my week just keeps getting better.

And that was sarcasm.

I think I'm going to have a chat with Kelly tomorrow. Not because I want to. Because it needs to be done.

So, how do you start to tell the truth after so much covering up?

"Here's the thing. I only lied to you because I didn't want to scare you off. And plus, the sex was fantastic. Unbelievable even.

And the only time I wanted you dead was when I found out about your wife."

...Yes, that would go over so well.

Like a hooker at a bar mitzfah.

But speaking of hookers, I see the New York County bicycle is back. Great ride, you just don't want anyone to see you on it. Bella, darling, glad you could get out from under Bobby....I mean, the paper work long enough to grace everyone with your wisdom.

I could make some pathetic joke about legal briefs but I won't.

But I digress.......

If we all weren't so damned afraid of the truth, we wouldn't have to have these types of chats. I know it's kind of strange coming from me, but telling the truth is so much easier than trying to outrun it. Because, no matter what you do. No matter where you are...

The truth will catch up with you. And you'll have to face it. It won't be pleasant and it will most likely end in tears.....

For you.

Black Orchids and Melted Chocolate

2006-02-15T03:43:00.000-05:00

I've been in hiding most of the day. I so loathe this commercial holiday.

So much fake emotion in the air. Every fool from here to eternity reeks of it. And all the happy couples. And the gifts and the cards.

I just can't take it.

Not that love isn't the greatest thing on the planet. Because it is. I believe in it. And that everyone has only a few great loves in their life and wish that everyone finds it.

But...Not in my presence.

I spent most of the day, sadly, thinking about Kelly. When I'm going to call...If I am going to at all. And then, I felt bad for him....He's alone today as well.

And he deserves it. For the heartache he caused his soon to be ex wife. And his children.

...I think I only want to speak with him so I can have him out of my life and system for good. Rid myself of all the feelings I have. And give him the truth. However, I just didn't think today was the right day to dump that on him. I figured he had enough to sort through already.

So instead, here I sit. Another sleepless night....Wondering why I deserve this life. What could have been different?

And to tell you the truth....If given the choice, and knowing full well the consequences of my choice. I wouldn't change a thing.

If I hadn't choose this life, I would have never met Bobby. And that is worth all this suffering.

Most of you say, I should forget him. Move on. Find someone I can have....

But that's it. I can't have anyone else. At least, with him, knowing that I can't have him is almost a comfort at times. I can love him from a distance. And it's safer that way.

Anyhow, here's to the pain the comes with love....It's like a marriage. They go together.

And I'll leave you with a quote about love, just because I can,

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." ~Emily Bront

2006-02-13T13:42:00.000-05:00

Everyone else had one...

A big thank you to Angie for making my header.....

And a quiet thanks to Janice...Because I am computer illiterate.

You're Just So Scared to Lose

2006-02-12T20:12:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a few days. But I need to cleanse. Get everything sorted out in my mind. And feel a bit more like, well, myself.

And just when I thought I felt well again. I got a phone call.

Against my better judgment, I went to meet with him. I had to fight the urge not to just turn back and hide. But I stayed. I waited. And, much like the first time we met, there Kelly was. Standing in front of me.

He apologized for his behavior. He said that he was just upset that I never went into everything that he read. But that he was willing to hear my side of it.

I told him that it wasn't the time or place. Not just yet, but that when I was ready , I would tell him my story. In depth. And he seemed to understand.

He also said, that everyone has the right to tell their story. To try and make someone see why. Then he said that it wouldn't excuse any behavior, but maybe, help him understand it all.

I told him not to call me. I would get in touch when I needed to. And that I wouldn't interfere with his life. Because I cared to much about him to muck up his plans.

I also realized as he walked away that it was far too late for that. He just keeps coming back to me. Even after reading some of the terrifying things that I'm sure are chronicled in my files.

But that's just it, isn't it? That's what I do. I make them care about me despite the truth. I let them see that one shred of good left in me...And they don't see the darkness anymore.

It's no matter.....He sees what he wants to too. Much like Bobby. I bet they get along well.

To answer someone's questions: Kelly didn't know anything about me at first. Then he mysteriously stumbled upon my file....And learned the truth. Or at least your version of it, darling. Talk to him, find out what he's willing to share about his mistress. You'd be surprised about him. Take them time. Not that you weren't going to anyway. You seem to want to know everything about me....

Not that you don't have your own personal interests to attend to as well. How is that little tart now? Still as free and easy as I remember her?

Anyhow....Since the weather is simply terrible...I decided to see what the good word is.....

And I read all these curious little plans.

It seems that Detectives Eames and Logan have decided to try and play our game. No one, with the exception of myself, plays better than Bobby, mainly because he laid the ground rules. I just do what is necessary to work within them.

And it's about knowing when to bluff and when to show your hand, without of course actually showing your hand. The gentle back and forth in the questioning and the stabs at each others so fragile egos....Makes for the most fun.

Personally, I hope those two are ready for a challenge. I assure them, there's NOTHING in that file that hasn't been explored. Of course, this means I need to research a little for myself....But all in due time.

Detective Eames has had yet but a taste of what I can do to ones mind. And she's watched the effect I can have once you get involved. Detective Logan should take notes.

Now him, I will enjoy. He doesn't seem to be bothered by the petty dribble. He seems to be the type to just shoot right back. Good, I hate a push-over. Of course, I do find him to be a bit like a riddle.....But I do so love solving them. And him, I will solve.

Just always keep in mind the rules: Tit for tat, dear ones. In order to hear something true about me, Nicole....Yout have to tell me something true about yourselves. It's a bargined exchange....

It has to be. I'm not one for sharing.

Ghosts of The Past

2006-02-08T01:33:00.000-05:00

I was out today. Just minding my own business and getting back to normal. And then, out of nowhere I hear someone call out my name.

Normally I ignore it...But this voice I knew all too well. Except...I liked it a lot better when he called me Elizabeth.

There was Gavin. Still has handsome as ever. The man is a bit foolish, but still charming in that curious way.

It wasn't awkward seeing him again. We chatted a little. He even asked me about Ella...And why I had her switch his inhaler. Which I didn't tell her to do that. I just had mentioned it. And that the girl was very taken with me. And I assured him that nothing I could have done would have stopped her.

What was awkward was meeting his new wife. His very pregnant new wife. Jenna, I believe. She's not terribly unfortunate with looks, but still.

She even said that Gavin's description of my beauty didn't do me justice. At least she knows when she's been outdone. She pales in comparison to myself. But she could give him the one thing I couldn't.

I even offered my congratulations. And well wishes for the future, even though it churned my stomach to do so.

It's not that I never loved Gavin. I just think that it was glossed over by revenge and spite, that's all. And maybe, I was just a tad jealous of them. A nice normal life, with children. And they looked so happy together.

As they left, I wondered what if I had just resisted the urge to get even and stayed under the radar. Would I still be with him....Or would the want for a child of his own been the demise of us.....

I would never know.

Just when you think you've left it all behind. The past finds ways to pull at your heart strings and rip open old scars. Ones that probably never completely healed.

It eats me alive to know that people I truly love...I seem to never be able to have. For whatever reasons.

Not that there was much left to consume in the first place. So little is left of the Nicole Wallace that I once was. The Nicole that no one but I know of.

Most people have had a very small glimpse.....Because that's all I'm willing to offer. But there are the rare few that really know me.

The wounded heart that still beats and aches underneath this cold, callous demeanor.

You cut me, I bleed. You hurt me, I cry.

But you'll never see it. Because I won't let you.

What's Left Of Me

2006-02-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

Watched my life pass me by in my bedroom mirror
Pictures frozen in time
are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half of what I thought I would be
You can have
What's left of me

I've been dying inside
Little by little
Nowhere to go
But goin' out of my mind
In endless cirlcles
runnin' from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half of what I thought I would be
You can have
What's left of me

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this woman
Make me whole once again

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hungerlike a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half of what I thought I would be
You can have
All that's left
What's left of me

I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm runnin' in circles all the time

Can you take what's left
Can you take what's left
Can you take what's left
Of me

Can you take what's left
Can you take what's left
Can you take what's left
Take what's left of me

Empty

2006-02-06T00:24:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here....

Had a long day Sunday.....

I'll feel more like talking later...Just need to sleep.

So You Stole My World

2006-02-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

It's been my life experience that out of pain comes the most valuable lessons. That from the ashes, the phoenix must rise. To soar, to be again.

And never let anything destory you.

Even for all the wallowing in self-pity this week, I'm stronger from this. I learn the value of the truth more and more each time I have to confront it. As truly terrifying as that is.....

Even though I felt so deeply for Kelly....I wasn't honest from the beginning. So I don't get to have that normal thing in my life now. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

At least I have some more pleasant things to remember.

And when I think back on it, I think we were just both using each other for some pathological need. He needed a woman on his arm....And I needed a way to feel something other than numb.

But I never used him to get to Bobby. That was just some twist of fate.

And even now...I'm haunted by Bobby's voice, in the back of mind.....

"Well, you blew it Nicole. Your one chance for happiness.....And you had to come back to me....."

It seems that I always will. In some form. I can't pull myself away.

Because he makes me feel alive. I don't even have to be with him to feel it. I can have that emotion anywhere. But it's strongest when I'm close to him. When we talk, touch....Gaze....

But I do hope that sometime in the near future he and I can have a chat. Let him know that yet again my life is in shambles due to some involvement from him.

Mind you, it wasn't intentional....But still.

I'm not angry...Not even just a little. I just understand why he showed him.

And it wasn't the quest for truth that motivated it. I guarantee it.

Sleeplessness

2006-02-01T15:07:00.000-05:00

I've had to let this settle. I thought for sure that I had dreamed it. But I was wrong. Especially after reading his recounting of it. Most out say it was too good to be true. But luckily for me, this time. My dreams bled into reality.

I wasn't even going to out walking then. But Kelly and I had a screaming match. He confronted me with so much information. About whether or not I tried to convince Ella to kill Gavin. And what I did to my daughter. If I lied about if it wasn't my fault.

I knew where he had gotten all that. My file must be the size of the New York City phone book by now. But I told him the truth. That Ella was a very mixed up girl and she would do anything for anyone if she thought that her actions would make them love her more. And that I would never hurt Gavin. We cared about each other, but I just wasn't able to give he what he needed.

And as for my precious child, I went over it. And I didn't fight back the tears. This time.

He called me a liar. That the evidence against me was almost bullet proof. He said that he was anger with himself for being taken in by "a manipulative serial killer," and that whatever he felt was just as fake as my "stories."

He told me to lose his address and never speak to him or the children again. And just like that, he was gone. Out of my life. All because of my alleged misdeeds.

I just couldn't stay in. No matter what I felt like. So, I walked. Trying to out run the pain that was mounting inside. I decided to let the tears flow.

The night air was exceptionally chilly against my wet face. But I just internalize it all. And nothing felt real. Like I was dreaming. But it had to be....Because my heart was breaking. I've grown accustomed to that feeling.

And just like magic...I saw him. Dazed, looking like he was in a dream himself. And I wondered what brought him out this evening. He already made sure that Kelly knew everything about me, which brought on the demise...

No, this. This mess is specifically mine. I wasn't truthful. I hid. I lied. Bobby might have put the final nail in the coffin....But I constructed it.

But it didn't matter. He was happy, well, supposed to be happy. But he didn't look it. He looked upset....About someone. More like, worry.

I wanted to stop and turn back. Go home and sulk. But, I kept on. Walking towards him. Not knowing whether he knew it was me or not. But I think we can almost sense each other by now.

Everything was just reaction it seemed. I couldn't control it.

Where I was closer, I felt myself look up. And time seemed to stop. He reached out and took me in his arms. And I let go of all that anger and resentment I had towards him. Let his body support the heavy weight that I endure everyday. And I returned his embrace. And rested my head on his chest. Listening to the sweet melodic rhythm of his heart. The sweet song it sang...Only for me. A lullaby that will lull me to sleep until my last breath, no doubt.

Just to be safe. Happy. At peace. All in his arms. I know it was only seconds, but it seemed like we were in our own space and time. There was so much I could have said. Volumes....But instead, neither of us said one word. Just held each other. Like it was our last chance for something.

I opened my eyes, and glanced over to see an elderly couple. The woman saw us and smiled. Like she too once longed for something that precious. And her smile was to say, "Now, just don't let go." I wished for the world that I wouldn't have to.

But I....I needed to get back to reality. As did he. I gently pushed back. And instinctively, I took his hand...One of the very hands that ignited this fire...And kissed it. Maybe as to say thank you or maybe to rekindle some of the flames.

I smiled and slowly backed away. And yet, I wondered. Why tonight did we find each other? And why did he pick now to embrace me?

Perhaps he could feel the pain I was in. Or perhaps he felt some form of guilt for, whatever he perceived as being his fault.

It didn't matter though. No matter what happens, who our tale ends, I will always have this moment. One perfect moment in time. Where we actually allowed our emotions to run the show.

However, I was reluctant to share this with everyone else. Because now, it's not just ours...It's your moment at well. Your moment to ridicule and defame.

Just, for once, don't ruin it for me. I think I've had enough ruined this week.

Wishes

2006-01-30T23:38:00.000-05:00

I remember when I was little, always wishing for something. And truly believing that just thinking that something was possible was all it took for it to come true.

Now, I could lie and tell you that I grew out of that. But....I didn't.

I wish on the first evening star, or every shooting star for that matter, just in hopes that someone else is doing the same thing and all our dreams can come true.

I always make a wish when I blow out the birthday candles. Desperately wanting my heart's desire to be real.

I've thrown hundreds of coins into fountains; just wanting for something to go my way. Just once.

But even all the coins, candles and stars in the whole wide world can't bring me what I wish for. Perhaps because my wish is selfish, maybe that's why it never happens.

On the other hand, when I've wished something kind for others, strange as it sounds, it seems to work out for the best for them. I wished for Bobby to have just some happiness in his life, for all the strife I've caused him....And look how well that worked out. At least for him.

Wanting something wonderful for others is the most selfless act that anyone can do. Face it, if we knew that all our wishes would come true...Most of us would just wish for more wishes. Instead of asking for something kind for someone else.

Even a total stranger.

I'm sure you say to yourself that aside from a few minor details, I have all I could need. That I simply couldn't be happier.

Well, not simply.

I wish it could be different. I wish I was a different Nicole; the Nicole that Bobby could have and hold, love and cherish....

But I'm not. Just, I just wish...That I can stay in his life. If not for the selfish reason to see him, to speak to him....

Because, like it or not, he needs me. Every day has it's night. And in turn night gives way to the day.

Of course, if wishes really did come true....None of who we are matters then, does it? That these roles we've made for each other are just titles. Nothing more.

....But wishes. Don't really come true. If you keep waiting for them to, you could find yourself very old and sitting next to the empty wishing well...Slowly filling it with tears of regret.

And drowning in the ocean of despair. With no one to save you.

Many Things On My Agenda

2006-01-28T00:47:00.000-05:00

Often enough, I find myself sitting at my keyboard. Not a clue what to write about. And yet, the words just flow from my fingers....With a staccato, hypnotic rhythm, that I myself even got lost in from time to time.

And what I wanted/needed to say is right there in front of me. Ready for the world to see. But before I send it out into the great beyond. I proofread.

Here I have the ability to double-check. To think twice. And think about the consequences of the words on the screen. I can even take them back if necessary, before too much damage is done.

....Unlike spoken words.

Why don't we think twice? I mean, no one likes being hurt by anyone else. So why is it we choose to harm each other when we have it within ourselves to stop the words before we say them. Before we damage all sorts of relationships.

Perhaps it's just human nature. Perhaps not.

That being said. I've never typed/spoken anything that I haven't thought about. I always can see what kind of reaction things can get. Of course, I mean what I say. I'm behind my opinions. And if you don't like them, fine. I don't have to like yours either.

And sometimes I just say/write something just to get a rise out of people. Just to witness a little firestorm. What I can say...I like to stir the pot a bit. Well, okay, a lot.

Another thing I find odd about opinions. How many times have you been asked for your honest view of something....And when you give it, someone gets so upset that you were honest.

Either that, or you lied. Just to tell them what they want to hear. That's a very dangerous and slippery slope. Then you will always tell people what they want to hear, and not what you think.

Your voice will get mingled in with the collective shout of society. And unless you do everything within your power to have it heard.....You will drown in that sea.

Of course, popular opinion is just that. Popular. And the fear of not doing what everyone is doing can be terrifying for some.

Obviously, that's not too much of a problem for me. But then again, I'm not exactly popular....I'm more....

Infamous.

And that thing about infamy is....It's the one thing that no one actually wants to be.

But I'll take the notoriety any way I can.

Long day tomorrow, well, at least the waiting for evening will be long.....Kelly, his children, and I are going out for dinner. That should be quite an experiance. For us all.

Odd Little Song

2006-01-26T21:57:00.000-05:00

I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can

Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins
I've come to you cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin

What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against

Because he's all I ever knew of love
Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day
Like the next will never come

Oh help me, but don't tell me to deny it
I've got to cleanse myself
Of all these lies til I'm good enough for him
I've got a lot to lose
And I'm bettin' high so I'm beggin' you
Before it ends
Just tell me where I begin

What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love

Let me know the way
Before there's hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I've got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say
The devil wants to know

What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love

I Love Chihuahuas

2006-01-25T20:29:00.000-05:00

All this talk about pets. Made me really think.

Everyone jumps down my throat because of this little nickname I have for Detective Eames. But, it's true isn't it?

Bobby takes care of her just like you or I would take care of our dog or cat. Or what have you.

I can just picture them. He makes sure that she's been feed. That she's in good health. And when she's been an especially good girl, he gets her something special. Although I wouldn't recommend a margarita for your pet. Might have some drastic results.

And now she even has a new friend to occupy her time. May all women be so fortunate as to be surrounded by all these men that want nothing more than for her to be happy.

That being said...

I'm actually not feeling well. Must have been something I ate.

Kelly called me this afternoon. Wanting to come by and talk. But I told him that I was dreadfully ill and that maybe this weekend would be better.

He agreed. Thank God he didn't push the issue.

That's probably why this is so short. I'm hoping some rest will make this plague disappear.

If you'll excuse me...it's off to bed....For some much deserved rest.

It's Not Paranoia If

2006-01-24T11:34:00.000-05:00

I had a very odd conversation with Kelly last night. He asked me if I was telling the truth. About my name. That I really was Nicole Wallace.

"Now why would I lie about that."

Exactly. I've been accused of so much. The baggage that has been attached with this name. Besides, having an alias is so passe.

He seemed satisfied with the answer.

But I can't help but wonder why. I mean, this chat about all my past is long overdue. However, I don't think I'm ready for it. I mean, it's not exactly something that would go over. Being accused of at least a dozen murders doesn't exactly make me a catch.

I decided to shift the focus to him for a bit. Asked about work. Hoping that would help. And I was wrong.

He tells me that since The Pet has been gone. He got to work with Bobby....

You ever have the moment where you believe you're in a waking nightmare. I did at that moment. I was in complete and total fear of what Kelly could discover.

I mean, they'd have to speak to each other. Bobby likes to know the people he works with. What if they talk about relationships.....And then, my name comes up. And Bobby will know.....

I can only hope that doesn't happened. Hopefully they are too busy with actual work to discuss me.

I hope.

Define

2006-01-22T21:44:00.000-05:00

Words. We use them everyday. Each of us having our own ideas about what actually constitutes the meaning of one. And what is certain for one person could be completely off base for the next.

I'm turning over a few words in my mind.

I was out with Kelly again this weekend. Just on our own. Like old friends. It was nice.

But sitting here I think....Is he my "boyfriend?"

Well, a boyfriend is defined as 1) A favored male companion or sweetheart or (2) A male friend.

Kelly is both of those. He's actually one of the only men I like being with. (Since this other would be a little awkward) and he's a good friend. I found out more and more about him everyday.

But what scares me about that is. It's the truth. And someday soon he'll have to know the truth about me. Everything that I've ever been accused of.

If he's the kind of person I think he is, I don't think he would be swayed by opinion. I think he would still stay. But the fear of him not ever speaking to me again, it's almost unbearable.

This is so frustrating. I have such a difficult time relating to anyone. And yet, this man. I can't get him out of my system.

But it's not like we're dating....More like. Seeing if there's something there. And where will it go.

And at the same time I want to have someone that is in my life. That loves me and cares for me. I don't want someone that feels burdened by my life and circumstances that may arise out of that.

Also, I think of his children. I didn't even know he had any before....And even knowing now. It doesn't change what I feel. But I don't want to do anything that would cause any more pain to them. It wouldn't be fair.

Love. That's what I feel.

Love can be defined as "a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

But what I think love is. A curse.

The most magnificent curse known to the human race. Everyone can be afflicted with it. And there is no cure. You can only let it run it's course.

The proper care for love is to nurture it over time, and it will eventually take over the body of the victim(s). The victim(s) then will be prone to irrational behavior and altruistic feelings. One may even give up all their possessions for love.

Also, it is possible to be in love with more than one person. Of course, this being a romantic context.

And that is the part that worries me the most.

Am I only in love with Kelly because I can't have Bobby? Or is it an honest emotion....That I really love him because of him, not because he's attainable.

I wish I knew the answer. I would love to know the answer.

Why is it that the smallest words give us the most trouble?

Need

2006-01-20T14:26:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder why we do the things we do? The motives behind every step, every meal, every relationship.

I think about the "why" every day. It's interesting really....

Why does an otherwise normal man turn violent and kill his wife?

Why does an honest person turn into a liar in front of a camera while campaigning?

Why do children seem to be able to recover from almost any injustice?

Why do women see the need to backstab their best friend?

Why would a faithful husband up and leave his wife of several years?

.....It's elementary........

Emotions.

A man would kill his wife because she broke his heart. Either by cheating or wanting to leave him.

An honest person lies because they need the power of an office. They fear they could die without it.

Children can recover from almost anything because their love of purity and knowledge that anyone can be redeemed is all they have to hold.

A woman betrays her friends due to jealousy and rage.

And a man cheats because he feels inadequate. He needs someone to need him. He feels like his wife doesn't love him like that anymore, although the case might be to the contrary.

It's one of the things that makes us human. And the key to what makes people commit unspeakable acts of rage and violence.

Even the most depraved murder feels something from their crimes. If they are incapable of guilt, they feel powerful. Vindicated. Like they accomplished something.

A cheating spouse or a murder. They both do what they do because they need to.

Need. Want. Almost synonymous.

Almost like love and hate. You can't have one without the other.

Information Super Pain in the Neck

2006-01-18T23:10:00.000-05:00

It seems like you can truly do anything online now.

You can, shop....For anything. Not just clothing....Or movies. But tickets for movies. You can even order your groceries. And you can rent movies, that get delivered to your home. Music...Books.

You can even order prescriptions online.

Maybe meet your "soul mate." I'd be willing to wager that some people even advertise children...To adopt. Or advertise their services for those who for whatever reason can't carry their own.

You can even order pizza for God's sake.

It's getting so no one actually has to see another living person if they don't want to. Not that I'm complaining about the lack of human contact.

But I think that makes for a more anti-social society. We don't learn to "play nice" with others and how to co-exist.

Maybe the lack of contact is what makes the human race more prone to kill....To assault. To just be down right cold to other.

But what do I know....I'm just one person. Typing on a keyboard....

A keyboard that opens the world to me.

On the positive, you are able to find things that you actually might need. Like information about a disease. Such as new research or a possible cure.

Support groups. You can even have your own journal online to write your thoughts for the whole world to read (sounds familiar doesn't it).

Some people are even able to earn a degree online. And they can continue on with a better life for sitting in front of the keyboard.

And there's the marvelous invention of e-mail and IM-ing. Instantly connecting you to the people that you need to talk to. Rather than call them and take them away from their keyboard, you just sit and type.

And you can be assured that they'll get the message.

I much prefer more conventional ways of communication but if this works and is so readily available. So be it.

If it wasn't for email and IM-ing on my cell phone and my computer, I don't know how I would be able to keep in touch with Kelly. Since his schedule is so hectic.

Who knows....Maybe one day we'll be getting married online....Living in separate houses with his and her keyboards. Raising children we adopted online that also don't live with us....And we'll get our movies delivered to our mailbox....

......Like a nice normal family.

Anything But

2006-01-18T00:08:00.000-05:00

Common criminal. That phrase makes me laugh. I've even heard it used a few times to describe me. Well, if I were a criminal...I would be anything but common.

These "common" ones.....These are your run of the mill drug dealers, junkies, prostitutes, petty thieves, and pretty much anyone that could pull a fast one.

But it's the uncommon criminal, the master-minds, that interest me the most.

Can you just imagine the careful planning they must lay out before them? It's probably comparable to planning for a new baby....They want their creation to be perfect in every way and to send a message about themselves. And most importantly, they want to make sure that their legacy survives with it.

And have you noticed....Most uncommon criminals don't carry weapons. They don't need them. They understand, like I do, that it's more mental than anything. Any fool can wave a gun around and shoot people....There's no merit in that.

....Even a four year old can fire a gun.

That being said....Time for more pleasant things.

Kelly dropped by my place. He brought dinner. Said that it was the least he could do after lending him a hand this past weekend. I must admit, I was in need of the company, so I let him in.

I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed talking to him. He is a bit of a weasel, but I like that in a person....Someone that can hide the necessary. And I'm a bit of a push over for a great smile. Blast him for those looks. I just can't help but feel just a touch better when he's around.

I think that's what makes having him in my life so dreadful, in it's own right. I'm so used to being miserable and unhappy that when a ray of sunshine tries to seep its way in....I shut it out and quickly. Wouldn't want anything to flourish.....

But he snuck it in....And then. Took it away. But now....It's back with me, for the moment at least, and I don't seem to mind it.

There is this twinge of guilt. What if I'm really the reason he's getting divorced? And there is the other...What if he didn't love her deeply anyhow and this was just fated to happen?

Good fortune. For me? I wondered if that was actually possible....

But only time will tell....At least I'll have someone to have dinner with. Have drinks with....

Maybe more.

Who knows?.....I just ask myself for one thing. No regrets.

Serpentine

2006-01-16T01:31:00.000-05:00

Not that any of you are terribly interested, but my Saturday with Kelly and his children was wonderful. We didn't want to offer them the wrong opinion about us....So we maintained a safe distance from each other.

But I couldn't help but feel this sense of normal overwhelm me. Saturday....It was like I got a glimpse of what my life could have been. Should have been. But I wouldn't trade that day for the whole world.

The difference between myself and everyone else is....I know that it was just a glimpse, that's all. Because I am Nicole Wallace and no one could ever love me the way that I'm supposed to be loved. Only two people have managed to do that.

We know the first....That's obvious...But these past few weeks have brought to light the second.

Granted he was much older than I remember when we crossed paths...And he was using his real name....But he was still the charmer. Ah, Bernard. Poor fool, latched onto those "Nicole" facsimiles.

He even had those girls to where they were all looking like me. Now that children, is obsession. Of course, none of them are as brilliant as I am or have the same features that I do.

I was actually out at a gallery. Enjoying some depressing pieces...And his hand touched the small of my back and he began speaking to me. I could see why I was so taken with him when I was younger. To some doe-eyed girl, he was the door to high society. To a new life......

We spoke as equals this time though. And he said that he was almost a believer in the "student surpassing the teacher." We laughed. I told him I'd been reading about the tourist murders in the papers and I just knew what that was all about.
He laughed. Said he had met my "favorite" detective and that he understood why I could be so taken with him. That he wasn't an easy challenge. But I always liked to do things the hard way.

Before he walked away, he told me he knew that it wasn't my fault that we were caught. That I could never make such a foolish mistake.

I thanked him for his faith and helping me to be the woman I always knew I was...And told him that I could make him a believer.

We kissed. As he walked away, he said.....

"Good bye Nikki."

And I felt rage start to sink in. Not only because of that dreadful nickname...But just the whole experiance of him.

Think of it. What if I had never met Bernard. He helped cultivate all these dark urges. He told me that I didn't need therapy but just someone who truly understood me. And that he could take me places and show me things that I could only dream of......

Well, not that it matters now. Bernard isn't going to be doing much talking. Shame....He was a brilliant man....

I'm sure they'll find he was poisoned. Just as I'm sure someone will try and knock on my door and question me.

Just as I know that this someone suspected me....Isn't that right Bobby?

And have I mentioned how I love to hear you say my name and look around....Hoping to see me standing there....Smiling.....

Sparkling.

Too bad you looked the wrong way, love.

With Friends Like These

2006-01-13T23:35:00.000-05:00

I always impart my wisdom and it's greeted with anger and distrust. Oh well, what do I expect.....

I feel like we're in this relationship. And whenever I tell you about my day...You just blow me off and I'm supposed to just hang in there and take it.

Well, too bad. Because actually, what anyone thinks about me doesn't matter. Only a select few actually matter to me; their opinions are the only ones that count.

That being said....Let me tell you about my plans for tomorrow.

Kelly called me today. Said that his children where going to be with him this weekend and he wondered if I could lend him a hand. And an extra set of eyes.

I wanted to turn him down. I tried to lie. But he called my bluff. He said he didn't know what to actually do with his kids.....Since he missed so much due to work and gallivanting around.

He actually told me that I didn't have a choice. And that he already promised his kids that they would get to meet one of his friends. Honestly, I was touched he thinks of me as a friend.

Still...I wonder. Exactly how much does he know about me. And what if he just doesn't care....What if there's really something between us....What if I'm just too damn afraid to admit it....

Eh, doesn't matter. Tomorrow I'm going to just "hang out" with him and his kids. And just be normal.

Hey, maybe I'll get to meet his ex...I'm sure she's a lovely woman. Otherwise he wouldn't have married her....

Who knows what tomorrow holds...And what you'll hold tomorrow for that matter.

To hell what everyone else thinks....Just. Do what makes you feel alive.

And if that's talking with a man, who will soon be divorced, and he has three children....So be it.

...At least I'm happy.

Not Always A Fairy Tale

2006-01-12T22:28:00.000-05:00

I feel like it's my duty to impart some of the wisdom I've gained from my miserable existence. If not, enduring the darkness would be for nothing.

So, I'll discuss something I know about....Marriage.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of a white knight that would come and take me away from my father and mother. That would save my life. And I could walk down the aisle in the big white dress....Flowers everywhere....The fantasy...

But of course, reality took over. Instead of a husband to take me away. Just a boyfriend....And lucky for me...He was even worse than my father. At least my father never beat me up. He never broke bones or left bruises on my face.

Although, he always made me feel like I wish I would die.

You know, I escaped that life. And hid, as Elizabeth Hitchens....And then I met Gavin. Class act that one. I charmed him into marrying me, into loving me....And to making sure that I would stay in this country.

But he wanted the impossible. Something I couldn't provide for him. And I ran. Like I always do.

You know, he provided the cost of my defense. He stood by me when I was accused of something terrible. And he never doubted me. He had all the faith in the world with me....

Even after Gavin found out about the real me. He still didn't care. He didn't care that I was Nicole Wallace....All he wanted was a child....That one thing. I couldn't give.

I think he really loved me too.

I had a husband that loved me....A dream wedding and honeymoon....All the money I could need....

And I ran.

Maybe it was the thought of actually adopting a child. Like I would be replacing my daughter.

And maybe that's the draw to Bobby. I don't have to give him anything. All I have to do is just talk. Write. And that's all.

Perhaps that's what I've been missing all along...........Someone needed nothing from me.

Always find these things out too late don't we......

Tag, I'm it.

2006-01-12T20:09:00.000-05:00

Janice tagged me....I wish I could say that I was on base...But I guess not.

5 THINGS THAT I'M ADDICTED TO:

1. Bobby (that's obvious)
2. Reading
3. Taking walks
4. Chewing gum
5. Perfumes

I guess I could tag some people.....I'd really like to see the Twit's list if anyone....

We Have To Stop Seeing Each Other This Way

2006-01-12T00:30:00.000-05:00

What is it with me and walking the streets at night? Oh well, I bundled myself up tight....As to not be chilled to death. (Best of luck with that, right) Anyhow, I just started walking.

Thinking about all these hard issues. About my parents. My drunken mother...Her screaming fits of anger/denial. My father....Forgiving him to his face and asking "why me?"

I guess I needed to motivate myself to think about these terrifying things in public, where I can't act childish and run off. I can't burrow my head out here. I just have to keep walking. Although, catching my reflection in the glass was painful.....

And then, the streets started to look more familiar. Like I was home.

Well, I was close. It's someplace I would love to be inside.

I stayed in the shadow. I watched him. He actually smiled when I caught the glance of him. Right there. In the very same window where I have watched him suffer unimaginable pain and suffering.

But he smiled. And suddenly, the night didn't seem so cold. I couldn't fight my own smile. Seeing him happy.....

I watched him disappear and like magic....He was out on the sidewalk. Silly boy forgot his coat. I wanted to walk past him. To touch him. I needed that jolt of electricity again.

I was overwhelmed with that feeling again. The anticipation....The want. The need for him. My heart ached. He was close enough to touch...His touch. His hands against my skin. Caressing it....Finally giving in to what we can't fight.

And then. SHE appeared. And my little fantasy turned darker.

Isabella Manning. She hurried out of the building. Adjusting her shirt and skirt. Obviously, not something she's been wearing all evening. I could even see how wrinkled it was from being tossed on the floor.

Then all I could see was her. That bloody twit in my place. In my fantasy....

Despite my disgust, I had to see. To watch.

I watches his hands on HER skin. His lips....On HERS. And a bit to long for my comfort. It was like....Something inside of me was dying. And then that little grin of hers, speaks volumes without a word....He even opened the cab door for her.

I had to hold my tongue. Or else risk being caught....That bloody twit Isabel...I wanted to confront her....

Not now, I told myself. I can wait....I'll know when the time is right. I just couldn't help but think how happy he looked as he walked back inside. Like something about himself was lighter....I stayed until I saw him in the window again. And frankly, I think I may have been seen....

But does that really matter....And if I was, it only adds to the fun.....

I could feel that rage welling up inside of me as I walked back home. Even sitting down and doing yoga didn't help. I loathe this wench....

Irony of it all is, if the world was different...I'm sure Isabel and myself would be best of friends.

But life doesn't always give us the shot to make things the way the should be.

Well....Not unless you make it......

Neither Rain Nor.....

2006-01-11T10:27:00.000-05:00

I've been spending too much time at home lately.

To be truthful, I've not been feeling well and hoping that I will get better. Must be the weather.

That phrase. "Must be the weather." You ever notice most say that as a sad excuse for some behavior. Like if they seem depressed when it's winter, they say "must be the weather," instead of "I'm in need of someone to help me out of this dark place that I'm in."

Of if people are agitated during the blistering heat of summer. "Must be the weather," instead of "I'm a raving lunatic and just like to get in fights."

But I actually mean that this weather has made me ill. And if it's one thing I don't like, it's being sick. It's nothing serious, which makes it all the more worse. I can't actually loaf around all day and think that will help me feel any better. This medicine seems to be helping...For the moment.

Maybe I don't like being ill because....I don't feel like myself. I like walking in solitude at night, in the quiet hours...But it's hard to enjoy the quiet with a cough and sniffling.

Perhaps what I really need is to prowl. Watch some real people. Live real lives. And observe. Usually makes me feel useful. Like I'm learning something at least.

Besides that....You'll never know what or who you'll see.....

Bottom Feeders

2006-01-09T23:44:00.000-05:00

We as a race amuse me.

We seem to be obsessed with celebrities. Everything about them from what they wear to what they eat. And especially whom their with. (Dating....Engaged...Married)

As much as we like to see them together, it seems like we love even more to see them apart. It's like we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When their relationships are on the rocks, you can't cross a magazine without their picture on it...Claiming that "they're okay." And then it's followed up with the breaking news that they are done. Breaking it off. Divorcing. And we love it.

Like they need that to make them human and bring them down to our level.

Ending a relationship can be painful enough. Divorces tend to rip your heart out. It's something best left suffered in private. But then again, most of us won't ever have to worry about our tear streaked faces plastering a magazine.

But not these people. They are blessed with fame and this is what they have to do for it?

I know. I know. They should at least expect some manner of it. But for goodness shake, just know when to back off.

I see these pictures and I feel so badly for them. I can see the pain of the end. That someone they truly loved is now out of their life....For something that they just couldn't get past.

Let them be. Let them lock themselves in the safety of their lavish homes. To curl up on their couch, wearing their Juicy Couture sweats....Watching old movies, eating low-fat yogurt......And to heal.

Besides, there has to be something else worth watching....

Wanting. Needing.

2006-01-07T06:22:00.000-05:00

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
-Mahatma Gandhi"

Gandhi was a man of words. He imparted his wisdom on the world and to this day it astounds me how many times I find even the smallest inspiration or answer in his words.

But this. About forgiveness. I was taken aback. In awe of the realization that....It's a simple truth.

A weak person could never say they forgive someone. That would mean they fear giving up something they hold onto. Like forgiveness is currency.

But the strong. Always ready and will to forgive. Because they know they have nothing of actual currency to lose from it all. Instead, they would lose a valuable relationship.

Of course, there is a world of a difference between forgiveness and absolution.

After all this time, all these sleepless nights. The nightmares, the empty relationships....And the utter mess my life has become. I can say...I can forgive my parents.

My mother. She loved the bottle more than she loved me. Maybe it was her only escape from the life she was living. I can't blame her for that. She was just trying to deal with her misery the only way she knew how. She was married to a man who didn't love her....And a man that was hurting his own child.

My father. So much has been said about dear old Daddy. But not by me. And for good reason. Most would say that what he did was unforgivable....But he was a weak man. He was sick. He had no control and because of that, that dark part of him was unleashed on his child.

I'm not making excuses for them. I'm just rationalizing it.

But I forgive them. Because I need to let go of it. It eats away at my very soul. It's not crimes that I've been...Accused of. It's living forever, trying to fix what has already transpired.

My mother ignored the cries for help. My father kept on. They just continued the cycle. Day in. Day out.

Forgiveness for them is here. It's now. But absolution.....That is something that they can never possess.

If I could have been strong enough to just bring my father to account for what he did.....Or if I was smart enough to tell someone else....Or took the coward's way out. What if I told my mother....And she told the authorities?

Because justice can never be served for this, absolution is a closed door.

Justice.....There's a notion I don't know much about....Just what I read.....

"There is no such thing as justice - in or out of court. ~Clarence Darrow, 1936"

Only would have been better if Ghandhi had said it.

Good Friend

2006-01-06T11:49:00.000-05:00

Kelly called me last night. I could tell he wanted someone to talk to, but like your typical man, he wouldn't come right out and ask me.

I told him that it was much better to have this conversation face to face and that I would be right over.

So, I hung up the phone and made sure that I wasn't giving the wrong impression with what I was wearing. Then I realized that it didn't matter and that men could read into everything.

I put on my coat and luckily, got a cab on the first try. Normally I'd walk, but it was just a tad colder than I wanted. And I didn't want the wind in my face.

After I arrived at Kelly's place, I stood outside for ten minutes. Which led me to believe that he was probably drunk. He buzzed me in and I climbed the stairs and wondered what state he really was in. I was in hopes for sober....

But when he answered the door. My hope was shattered. He told me that he'd been drinking ever since he got off work and was already a little "buzzed" when he called me.

I watched him flop on the couch. And he just started talking...

About how he "screwed it all up"....He had the perfect life, and he just had to "not use his head" and cheat on his wife. That if I wasn't such an attractive, smart, charming, funny woman....He would still be at home.

Then I reminded him that he knew that he wasn't supposed to be trying to pick up women in a bar. That when we met, I didn't want anyone around. But that he insisted. I said that he was just as charming, funny, smart, and attractive...So ,there was no way I was the first affair.

His silence. I took it to mean that I was right. So, then I asked him if he loved is future ex-wife....

"Not as much as I should have, Nicole."

He went on about how it really wasn't a happy marriage. That he tried to forgive her of one single indiscretion before, but it was more than likely the end. And that his daughter, wasn't even his. That she was the result of that affair. But he didn't love the child any less. It was like she was his own.

But his sons...They were his. His daughter was the middle child. He loved his children, that was apparent.

I told him to always be there for them. Especially his daughter, even if she technically wasn't his. He was the only father that she knew and that was more important than anything. And that his sons needed a role model.

He nodded and agreed that he would try and not fight with their mother in front of them and that he would make time for them always.

And then he was worried that he wouldn't know what to do with them....Then he asked if maybe I would help him out a few time. As a friend.

My brain kept telling me to say "no".....But my heart. I couldn't say "no".

I told him that it was extremely important that we didn't lead his children to believe that we were a couple. Unless we actually were.

There's that silence again. I'm not even actually for sure what this one means.

But I stayed last night. On the couch. But it felt.....Right.

Then again, what's right about this at all?

Human

2006-01-05T13:30:00.000-05:00

I play a good game, but not good as you
I can be a little cold, but you can be so cruel
I'm not made of brick, I'm not made of stone
But I had you fooled enough
to take me on
If love was a war, it's you who has won
While I was confessing it, you held your tongue
Now the damage is done...

Well there's blood in these veins
And I cry when in pain
I'm only human on the inside
And if looks can deceive
Make it hard to believe
I'm only human on the inside

I thought you'd come through,
I thought you'd come clean
You were the best thing I should never have seen
But you go to extremes, you push me too far
Then you keep going 'til you break my heart
Yeah, you break my heart

See I bleed and I bruise, oh, but what's it to you
I'm only human on the inside
And if looks could deceive,
Make it hard to believe
I'm only human on the inside

I crash and I burn, maybe some day you'll learn
I'm only human on the inside
I stumble and fall, baby, under it all
I'm only human on the inside

And the damage is done...

Well there's blood in these veins
And I cry when in pain
I'm only human on the inside
And if looks can deceive
Make it hard to believe
I'm only human on the inside

I crash and I burn, maybe some day you'll learn
I stumble and fall, baby, I do it all
I'm only human on the inside

Creature of the Night

2006-01-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day. -Vincent Van Gogh"

I find these words to be so true.

Mind you this city is very much alive during the daylight..But once the sun goes down. All the vibrant creatures come out to play.

The junkies come out, without fear of anyone seeing what their addictions do to them. Prostitutes are more abundant. The drunks fall all over the sidewalks....These things we keep hidden from the light...Seem more alive in the blanket of night.

I love the dark. Perhaps because I too like to hide. Moving along with lesser odds of being seen somehow gives me a charge. So small parts of me feels safe. So, I always stroll at night.

And I take note of these people that only come out when not threatened by sun light. I feel connected to them. I understand what they feel. Like darkness is their only friend and the only one that understands them. And if it wasn't for living life in the light....They wouldn't be forced to hide in the dark.

Normal people should feel blessed that they don't feel this way. That they can get on without needing to hide.

But you'll see these normal people in our world from time to time. They're probably out with someone they shouldn't be. Or doing something they shouldn't. They use what make us comfortable to mask their vices.

In time, their vices will take them over and then, they too will belong to the night. It claims us all. Silently and completely.

Rarely to any of us escape...But there's always hope we will....

Some evening. Never some day.

Detective Logan's A Sadist

2006-01-03T20:14:00.000-05:00

Fine....I'll give it a go. But I don't play by the rules....

Five weird habits.......

1. I sort my clothing by brand, color, and season. Then into various sub-categories. They always have to be in order....Just will ruin my day if I have to reorganize.

2. I don't eat anything green. Not even M&Ms....For no particular reason.

3. I like to sing when bored....And it doesn't matter where I am. Whether I'm in line at a store or waiting for a taxi...Just happens. Sometimes I get money....

4. I smile at inappropriate times. I'm not trying to make people feel strange....I just do it.

5. I burp. Loud. Because it makes me feel good...And a little more normal.

Like you didn't already know I was weird.....

Like A Car Accident

2006-01-03T05:14:00.000-05:00

I never can sleep. So, why do I try...Because it's what I'm supposed to do....Because my body actually won't carry itself any longer.....Certainly isn't peaceful.

Being alone with my thoughts is a scary place to be.

I must be the most profoundly...Let's use the term "screwed up"...Person in all the world. Which references the title of this little window into my mind. You don't want to look or watch, but yet, you're drawn to it. You're curious as to what dark fate awaits.

But is that really why so many are drawn to me? Because I'm a mess. They only stand close enough to be singed by the flame. No one likes to get burned...But I burn them willingly.

Because I'm a mess. I will always shove away those who get to close, when in all actually reality...I want to pull them in. I want them to hold me. Stoke my hair, tell me that it will all be okay. That I'm fine. That we're fine.

I really do think that some, well most, men only want to be in a relationship with me because I am damaged. It's nearly impossible to love me. Although, I'll make you love me in spite of yourself...But you can't love me the way you should be able to. Because....You'll see it.....You'll know who I really am.....

And God help the poor soul that discovers what I hide underneath my composed facade. That poor soul that tries to chip away at the mask I've worn for so long now. I'll see it as an attack and I only know one reaction.

Rage. Hate. (There are those four letter words again). Move away. As quickly as possible....Funny, someone once told me that everyone moves away from me. Looks like they were a bit off on that assumption.

I hate to sound like I'm not taking any of the fallout upon myself....But my parents. My....Father. They are really the ones to blame. Yes, I had a choice...And I chose not to be anyone's door mat.

All because my mommy didn't listen....And my daddy. Well, he loved too much. Their terrible venture into parenting turned out to be quite the little disaster. What parent would want their daughter to turn out like me? I think we all know the answer to that little quandary.

My father. Died several years ago. I just never got around to seeing his grave. But I know that's where he is. But I know a visit to it would only be uneventful. I'll read that epitaph...."Loving Husband, Devoted Father,"....I'll kick that headstone over and destroy it. Probably in only seconds.

But why bother? It would be useless....I've waited too long to let him know, to let the world know what he took from me.

I can't hardly look at myself in the mirror for what he did.

Only one person on this planet has seen that part of me. Even though I tried my hardest to hide it....He saw right through me. Like I was glass....And he didn't run. He moved in. He cared just a little....Because he too was a touch damaged.

And because of who we are. This emotion between us. This love, this passion....An unquenchable fire that will burn until the end of time....Will continue to burn through us. The heat will always drive others away, as they watch us slowly turn to embers...But what a lovely way to burn.

Hence the ongoing obsession. We only want our fire to burn bright together...But we realize that because of reality. The only way to escape the burning feeling is to sleep. To be done. To never wake.

I must admit. There are times when I've given it thought. Just ending it all....But the only thing that has kept me alive.....Is him.

It's always been Bobby. My whole miserable, pathetic live I was fated to meet him. To have this twisted, sick, give and take relationship with him. For what? To always leave with just a little more of myself gone.

......And unlike him, dark....Brooding, depressing thoughts....Won't get me letters, emails, voice messages of concern....

They'll just suggest how I do it.....

How's that for "screwed up?"

Don't Make Me Waste My Time

2006-01-02T22:02:00.000-05:00

At least I got my mind off of Bobby for a little while. And that feeling. Not that it did much good, but it did some.

I've been considering the events of this afternoon and this evening....And there was a few, tiny facts I was omitting...

When I said that I invited him to my place tonight...I forgot the part where I walked back to his place with him. Just to make sure that he would actually get some sleep. He was mumbling the whole way there about his friend....Said this guy got him the apartment....Just by some stroke of luck.

He's lucky to have such a friend. So I asked what his friend looked like....And if his friend worked with him....

He said not with him...But he was a detective (how do I seem to find every one in this city). He described him to me....And I knew exactly who he was. That tart was really in for some fun now....

He even pointed out his friends apartment....But we walked right past it; it was hard to miss. Hard to forget.

We managed to get into Kelly's new place. Poor man, he practically feel asleep as soon as he got to his couch. I smiled as I thought how actually happy he looked, asleep....Perhaps finding peace in dreams. Although it's been my experience that never works out.

....I think that covers most of the afternoon.......The part I'm willing to tell you all about.

I spent the rest of the day taking care of some little errands. Cleaned my apartment....Made sure I had something to eat for Kelly later...I imagine he hasn't had anything good to eat since his wife asked him to leave....

When Kelly arrived, we talked. Well, he talked. I listened. I think he felt better just saying it all aloud. Like some of the weight had been lifted. I offered advice where I could....But told him that some of what happened was his fault, and that he would have to come to account for it.

Sort of funny isn't it? Me, telling someone they need to account for themselves....

He left around nine or so....Said he needed the sleep. So, I wished him well and said if ever needed to talk...He had my number.

I wish he was here now...But that's not really our place. If there's even an "our" or a "we"....But I suppose that's how it goes...It's funny, how this all plays out.....

"You make me so confused. The beautiful ones, you always seem to lose."

I think that sums up my day perfectly.

By Chance

2006-01-02T14:13:00.000-05:00

I went out today. Just to have lunch....Trying to shake the feeling, but I guess even I, the mistress of burying emotion....Couldn't.

I was lost in thought about changing fate, if it's even possible, what's meant to be and what that really means.....

And there was Kelly. I laughed inwardly, because he looked like he's been sleeping in a gutter somewhere.....But he sat down right in front of me. And I asked him what had happened....That hangovers don't usually last that long.

He told me that his wife had told him that she knew everything and she asked him to leave. That they would explain it to their children later. And that she was filing for divorce.

It was all I could do to keep from laughing hysterically. And I thought that I couldn't wait to read that decree...I do enjoy that it is public record here. But in seeing on how this was effecting him....I felt, terrible.

So, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He told me that if he wanted to talk that he would hire a "shrink"....

I explained to him that I am an expert at being left and being divorced...So, what's the harm.....

He finally said he's give it a go. I invited him to my place tonight. After he'd gotten some rest and cleaned himself up.

Now...Don't misunderstand. I'll admit the thought of jumping his bones and keeping him all to myself had crossed my mind. But, I just can't. He's so down, broken....Kind of like myself.....

I actually believe I can help him. And plus, it's a productive way to spend my time.....What else would I be doing this evening?

.....And maybe. I could have a good friend.

The Need To Resolve

2006-01-01T17:40:00.000-05:00

I loathe "New Year's resolutions".....Why do we need to wait for a new year to make a change?

Because it's a whole new 365 days for us to mess up.....So, this clean slate is something worth saving.

Why bother? You're just going to end up making the same mistakes. Being the same person as you were yesterday before the clock struck midnight. You're still going to have the same job, the same home, and be the same person.....

For that matter. Why does it have to be a new year to decide you need a change? Why can't it be every new day....Or every hour.....After all, it's something new that hasn't yet been tainted by humanity.....Why is it any different?

I don't make resolutions. I just let life happen. I see that as more enjoyable.

Last night, I went walking. Watched people make fools of themselves. I saw this couple, obviously intoxicated....But not so much alcohol....I think with each other. The love they shared was undeniable. And a very strange older man....Seemed sad to me.....And this pleasant older woman.....She even wished me a happy new year....

Those two. They were alone....I wondered why. Was it because their spouses had died...Or maybe they were never married? Did they have children....And if they did, where the children too far away to visit? Or did they forget to call....

I guess I dwell on those that are alone. Because I share the affliction. Then I started thinking about my daughter....All those that I have met in my life...I guess the weight of all that negativity was bringing down the festive mood.....

And then....There he was. Staring at me....I could feel him. But I wondered...Did he realize that it was me? I knew I had to pass him....My heart was racing as I came closer to him.

As we passed, I noticed his eyes, never wanting to meet mine....But I had to see that glorious face. The face that haunts my dreams. In those precious seconds, I saw....He looked older. Like all the work, all these things that have transpired took their toll on his face....But each new line, was like a badge of honor.

His eyes. He didn't directly look at me...But I found a way to look at him. Even though it wasn't a full gaze....It was what I needed. It was like he was trying to tell me something....Like the world is a cruel place....And not always fair....

And then...I breathed in his scent. That wonderful mix of cologne and him....I wanted to grab him by the hand and stop him...But instead, I just brushed my arm against his.

Those seconds seemed like hours. Like all time stopped, just for us. But those moments....I was high again.....Like I was real....

And I felt myself breathe. Really breathe. To quote someone else, "that moment was like a jolt of electricity." And that jolt revived me. Like without him, part of me was dead.....What little of me is still alive anyway....

I knew that feeling wasn't just happening for me...But he had to have felt it. I turned and saw him, lost in that feeling and I knew he felt it....Instead of intruding on him, I turned back around and went on my way....

I stopped into a little bar....Ordered something different....Vodka and Cranberry...I smiled when I saw they used Grey Goose vodka.

"Cheers Bobby." I'm sure that bartender thought I was absolutely crazy....But most people are after getting their pathological need met....

I went home and crawled into bed and slipped off to sleep...With a smile on my face.

But I wondered.....If two people could get that electric feeling from each other...And fate doesn't allow them to be together.....

Why doesn't someone resolve to change fate?

Addict

2005-12-31T15:05:00.000-05:00

Everyone is addicted to something. Some addictions are worse than others.

Usually when you hear the word "addict," you think of that person you pass by on the street. Thin, shaking, almost out of their mind....They're sick and they don't even know it. Because all they care about is getting their next fix.

Of course, one doesn't have be a drug used to be an addict. Some are addicted to shopping....Beautiful women.....

Anything that you feel like you can't live without and all that matters is when you get to have it again.

I'm addicted to Bobby. Pure and simple. I feel like I can't breathe without seeing him, it's physically painful to be without him.

I have Bobby withdrawal.

Anyone that has ever been an addict can tell you that the withdrawal is the worst part. They dread it the most because it is so painful.

They would rather be addicted to be in physical pain....

The only difference between myself and them is....That I've grown accustomed to the pain. I had hopes that it would fade and I would have him out of my system....But I don't think it's possible.

It's probably why I walk the streets at night. Hoping to sober myself up....And maybe....

Looking for my next fix......

Motive

2005-12-30T13:18:00.000-05:00

"Every step I have taken....I have taken in the hope of bringing myself closer to you."

Sayuri said it best. About how you do things subconsciously. To make it work out the way you've always dreamed. Like the fairy tales we were read as children.

Every little girl wants to be the princess and be rescued by Prince Charming, their white knight; handsome, the best means of transportation in all the land, plenty of money...And his future kingdom that is in need of a worthy queen.

But it doesn't work that way. Sometimes your Prince, turns out to be the most wicked warlock in all the land. He casts brilliant spells, he doesn't allow you to see him for what he truly is. Until it's too late....He tortures you; he locks you away....And this time, their is no prince to ride to your rescue.

Sleeping Beauty. Now there's a fairy tale.....A beautiful baby girl, a true princess, is sent away by her parents to protect her. She is raised by fairies (no pun intended for modern day usage of the word)....And purely by chance, she meets the man of her dreams.

But it seems that it isn't meant to be. In finding her one true love....The witch that has sworn to curse the girl finds her. The witch and her minions....Attempting to capture our princess, they capture the prince....The fairies took our girl to meet her parents......

Even though the prince is capture and victory is imminent....The prince escape. He goes through all that trouble to find his fair maiden....Fast asleep. She pricked her finger, just as the witch had promised.....And now, she could only be awakened by true love's first kiss.....

Of course, like a typical fairy tale...He kisses her and she wakes up. The sun is shining, all of God's children are happy.....But let's get real here.....

I always wondered. What if he wasn't her true love? What if it was just lust? What if our prince just wanted to see want the girl had on under that dress huh?

At the end of the day, the prince was just a boy. Thinking with, well....What he knows best. Testosterone always will fuel his decisions.....That's why he's so brave. Altruism is long believed to excite women (why do you think we're drawn to soldiers....Firefighters.....Policemen.....Those who would give their life for a stranger)

I bet Prince Charming is actually that. I bet he's rude. He probably does nothing but sit on his bum all day and whine about how fat his legs look in his tights....

Maybe that's just me. But I refuse to wait around for some Prince to bring me into reality....

Even though...I know where my prince is.

Don't misunderstand. I know in my heart that it could never be. Maybe if we only had hours left to live...But even then......He would not go easily.

I need, more that anything, for him to be happy. Or at least satisfied. And I would never do anything to jeopardize that.

But of course.....I'm still not fond of the idea....Or him servicing the help.....

Four Letter Words

2005-12-29T20:41:00.000-05:00

"Fuck is a four letter word. Rape is a four letter word. Wife is a four letter work. Love is a four letter word.

Fuck is a curse. So is love."

(and a virtual quarter to anyone who knows where that comes from)

I got to thinking about four letter words today. Most of the time they are curses. All of them......

Being someone's wife basically means you have to spend the rest of your life putting up with their behavior, having their children, keeping house...And getting little to no thanks for it.

Sounds like being a slave to me....See what a difference one letter makes.

Rape is a curse. It turns you into a victim. You lose the ability to connect to anyone. Every man is the enemy. They're only out to hurt you. And women, well....They'll know. They'll talk about you. How sad it is.....

Pity. That's all you get.....Another four letter word.

But love. Love is the most exquisite curse of all. Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.

Time....So precious. And another four letter word. It's the one thing there never seems to be enough of. How many times have you heard someone say that they would give anything for more time with a loved one.....

Fear. There's a powerful four letter word. It's crippling. People live their entire lives in it....And it's often a prison most cannot hope to be paroled from.....

Life. We're in this one everyday....Yet we seem to forget how to live most times.....

And then there's the opposite.....Dead. Finality of that four letter word. It's just....Well, it is. And it changes other peoples lives once that word is uttered....

Four letters.....Who ever thought they could mean so much.....

Bliss

2005-12-28T13:38:00.000-05:00

How's that for a bar name? I swear, places in New York can have some of the most misleading names....

It was someplace different...I figured I could hide. Anyplace that had liquor at that point was perfect. And I thought...With a name like that, maybe I could find a moment of said bliss....

Mostly I was wrong. There were several attractive men prowling....But I wasn't in the mood. So, I just watched....

And then I saw her. Laughing, drinking, having a good time....With some man, who wasn't Bobby. *which, incidentally, made me very happy* Chloe'....And she looked very, liberated. That's a polite way to say it.

I struggled with myself. I didn't want to even mess with her....But. I saw her attempt to walk upright as she was leaving...And I kept her from bashing that face on the floor. I probably should have let her fall....But that wouldn't have been polite....

She kept saying that she could make it. That she was just a little dizzy. She nearly fell again trying to hail a cab....I told her to at least let me ride with her...Because she wasn't able to stand...

She didn't say no...Probably because she ignored me.....But I got into the cab with her. And she screamed her address to that poor driver.....And she was complaining the whole time about work....Men....So I played along....And kept thinking....This is too easy.....

When the cab stopped outside her building....I paid her fare. Thought that was the least I could do. She thanked me again. I told her that I would wait outside to make sure she got up to her place alright....

Then she hugged me.....Asked me my name.....And I whispered in her ear......

"Nicole.... But you should know that by now, love."

She staggerd back a bit. But I'm sure she didn't quite get it....Probably because she hadn't yet made the connection. She's kind of a bright person, she'll get it later. And that knowledge made me smile.

I kept thinking about all the possibilities as I waited for her to show me where to focus my energy. She turned on her light and I saw her....Stumbling about her place. I laughed....

I actually tried to behave myself and the things just fall into my lap.

But I will have to remember to send the dear girl something.....For that headache she has....

Alone again...

2005-12-27T19:30:00.000-05:00

You would think after spending so much time alone. I would be used to it. That the quiet would just be fine and I would enjoy it.

You would be wrong.

The quiet allows me to hear my own thoughts. My owns fears...Even if they only speak in a faint whisper. And last time I listened to the whispers...I ended up with a broken hand.

I chased Kelly away. Even though he's a weasel, he was good at keeping me company. I miss our encounters. Don't misunderstand....I know it was all false but some of that emotion, had to be real.

The eyes, the heart. It doesn't lie. Perhaps Kelly's problem is that he loves too much and too freely....Maybe that's why he's prone to stray...

No creature is monogamous by nature. Especially not humans....

So why do we go through the dating game? Why try to find a mate for life if we aren't meant to by nature? Because society makes those of us that are alone feel like less of a person.

It's awkward to eat alone. Drink alone. Go out alone. It's easier if you have someone to spend your time with....Even if it's just a close friend....

I think the need for companionship is just another example of God's cruel sense of irony.

Most would think I'm angry at God. After the miserable life I've had....After losing my daughter to violence.....

I'm not. I just understand. And there's peace in that. Nothing is more precious than the love of your child. It's perfect and unconditional.....All they want is for you to love and care for them. It's basic.....

While searching for my soul.....I sat with a priest...Discussing these horrors I endured...I asked that man "Where was God....Where was He when my daughter died?"

He said the most profound thing...."The same place He was when His own son died."

And then I realized.....His son loved Him the way all children love their parents. So, I came to this conclusion.....

The reason that God allows us to experience unconditional love....Is to understand heart-wrenching pain.

....That being said....I need a drink.....Or seven....

I Love It When They're Stupid

2005-12-26T22:39:00.000-05:00

I received the phone call today. Kelly was furious....Ranting and raving like a howler monkey....I had to try and not laugh at him.

I think I sold him on, "Well, she must have seen us out together" story. Of course, I had to tell him that it was he the made the mistake, not I. After all, I wasn't married....

Before I hung up...I told him to ask about me at work...And to use my real name. (That's right, I told him I'm Nicole Wallace, surprised?) I assured him Detective Goren would fill him in.....And to tell you the truth I hope he does.....

But he's of little concern to me....I've got Botox ridden fish to fry....

Isabella Manning. I would say that she and I were cut from the same cloth. But if I were to dress like a frigid bitch, I wouldn't want to look so uncomfortable. She disturbs me....I know what kind of person she is. She doesn't fool me....

And I'm sure she'll be telling us all how much better she knows him than I....All that song and dance....Whatever she tells herself to get through the day.

I'm on my way with her....The game has only begun and I have made only a few small moves. Over the next few days, I'll be getting ready for yet another brilliant effort on my behalf....

Most of you would whine about me being self-centered....That it's actually not all about me....Well, maybe. But the greater majority of it IS about me.

But that's my hold over him. I went through a good deal of time and trouble...And a great deal of risk to secure this....

And I'm not letting go anytime soon......

I'm A Survivor

2005-12-26T01:03:00.000-05:00

After much hiding....I can say. I survived Christmas. No phone calls...No one to bother me. No gifts. No happy, singing, feel-good specials....

It's not for me.

But you know, if you think about it. I believe that Christmas truly makes one more prone to committing a murder. I'm sure if I was forced to spend the entire day with my family...People that I loathe more than anything....I would begin to wonder....

"How can I kill them and get away with it? No one will miss them if I get them all....."

Don't deny you've NEVER thought this about at least one member of your family. Maybe even your spouse....

Speaking of....I wonder if Kelly's wife has "broken the news to him"? I suppose I'll know soon enough. And to be honest, I hope she tells him that I told her. That he isn't even man enough to admit to cheating on his wife.....Destroying his family.

Oh well. It's no longer my problem...I did the right thing. Yet again. And because of it....Someone's world is going to crash down....

Just not mine for once....And all it took was my fist fighting with the wall....

A small price to pay......

Silly Me

2005-12-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

I should have known it....Isabella Manning. How could I have forgotten her?

She was actually quite personable to me. At least until she read what I was charged with. I think that if I hadn't be accused of something so heinous....She and I would have got on quite well.....

She reminds me a lot of myself. Not afraid to get what she wants....But not dependent on anyone. And plus, we have the same taste in men.

Now that I think about it, I recall thinking that there was something between her and Bobby. Not that it would surprise me. She's a beautiful woman. He enjoys being surrounded by beauty....Just would have made sense.

Actually, I thought that maybe that had dated...But when. She seemed far to busy....As is he....So when could either of them had found the time?

I know what it is between them. And there's nothing wrong with that....They're both adults who know what they need and expect...But she didn't count on one thing.

That attorney she works with....Carver, that's his name....Couldn't convince a jury to convict an innocent woman. Too bad for Isabella....

If I was locked away, for no good reason, I wouldn't mind anyone spending time with Bobby. But I'm not locked away......And he belongs to me.

And I only do what I need to do to protect myself......And my loved ones.

Let the games begin....Oh and Happy Holidays......

While they still can last for you......

Strange

2005-12-23T14:38:00.000-05:00

Last night, I got the strangest phone call.

I was expecting Kelly. But it was his wife....It almost makes me regret giving her my number.

But....She again thanked me for being honest. She wanted to tell me that she would pray for me (going to take a lot more than that)....And that she wasn't going to talk to Kelly until after the first of the year.

I found this odd. If I knew that my husband was cheating on me....I wouldn't be able to wait to corner him about it.

But I guess that's what makes her different from me. I asked her why....Why she wouldn't want to rid herself of this worthless excuse for a man.....Her answer was simple.

"For my kids. I can't ruin Christmas for them...At least not this year."

At least I understood that. I would never want to ruin a magical time for them.

After I hung up, I decided that I would go out....People watch....Christmas time always fascinates me....People rushing around at the last minute and all.....

And then I saw her again....That woman that Bobby was with the other night. Only this time...She was chatting up Detective Logan. So, I decided to listen from an adjoining isle....

"You and Bobby seem to really enjoy each other's company....."

Smooth Detective.....

"You know how that is with people you work with, Mike. Sometimes they're the only ones that get it...."

Work with? I don't think she's a detective...Look at her shoes. Not sensible.

"So, he gets it from you..."

"I didn't say that. We just. Are comfortable with each other that's all."

Hmm, I'm sure I understood what that means. As did Detective Logan. I watched them keep chatting.....And I still can't fight the feeling that I've seen that woman before....I just can't place her.

But what I can tell you about her is....She's nobody's girlfriend...She doesn't behave like one. She's something else.....

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Shards Of Me

2005-12-22T14:48:00.000-05:00

I woke this morning, and did everything like I always do. I took a shower....I fixed my hair....I got dressed....But when I stopped to look in the mirror....

I saw something new in myself. Something I never wanted to be....I'm the woman responsible for helping ruin a family. Don't get me wrong here. Kelly is the one most at fault...But here I am. Encouraging him. What can I offer him? He'll know who I really am one day...I'd be foolish to think that he would even stay around after he knows the truth.....

I'm angry at him. I don't know his wife...I don't know his children. But what I do know is that they don't deserve this. If he didn't want them, he had a choice....And he choose me. Nicole Wallace, alleged killer....Damaged goods....Home-wrecker....

Before I could stop myself.....I threw my fist through the mirror, and stopped when I hit the wall behind it. A little out of character. Usually my rage has a tight lid on it. I guess that I just needed a release....And the pain I felt as my fist was throbbing from the impact of the wall....It's just what I deserved.

Of course, the pain was excruciating. I knew right away I needed medical attention....If not for the pain...The cuts in my arm....Pretty deep. As I pulled my hand away, there were still little pieces of mirrored glass standing....

I thought it showed my true self....Shattered. Broken. Wounded.

I sat in an emergency room for six hours.....They said I got lucky. That is was only a stress fracture in my hand. And that I needed a few stitches for the cuts....And asked who I got in a fight with.....

"The wall."

Enough said I take it. I guess I was lucky....Since it was my left hand.....I can still write. And type one-handed......

Well, as I was sitting here at home. Feeling so stupid for having done this....I realized that this. This thing with Kelly and I wasn't right at all. And that I needed to do the right thing.

I made a phone call to New Jersey. A very nice woman answered, which I just knew was his wife....I asked if it was....Then she asked where I got the number.

I told her who I was, her husband's mistress. And that I didn't want to be that anymore. That they guilt was eating me alive.

She asked how long we'd been seeing each other....I told her only a few weeks. But that we had been out on dates several times. Even to the detective's ball....

There was this silence...But I know I heard her trying to fight tears. She said, "he told me that he had to work that night....That he thought I didn't want to go,"....Like dressing up for this affair was something she really needed....

She wasn't angry with me, for calling at least. I know your husband's mistress isn't exactly best mates material. But I explained everything to her.....And that I was done with him....Because of what he was doing to her and his children.

She thanked me for calling. For telling her the truth. I hung up...And felt. Liberated.

Now...I'm just waiting for that phone call from him.....What fun that will be....

Round Two

2005-12-21T13:43:00.000-05:00

Last night, I gave Kelly the opportunity to be honest....Of course not letting on that I know the truth....And he came close.

Said that he was married a long time ago. No kids...That his wife went on a lot of business trips. And then, he tried to convince me that she cheated on him. He even fought back some fake tears. God, it was pathetic.

Then I asked him where he thought this relationship was going. He didn't know. He said he liked spending time with me....And we were doing something right somewhere. By somewhere he meant the sexual aspect of it......

And I would have to agree. Normally for me, sex is just going through the motions. Nothing. I feel nothing....But with him, it's. Thrilling. I feel alive again. It makes me wonder about the irony of it all...Is it because we are connected so well on that level....Or is it because I'm not supposed to be with him?

Either way, I need him to fulfill my needs....And letting go of someone who can give me the pleasure I've craved for so long...I would be crazy to ruin it.

We spent most of the night *enjoying each other's company* (the details would make a porn star blush). After I determined that he couldn't take anymore....I took the game to another level....

"I know. About your wife. Don't deny it. I gave you the opportunity to come clean and you lied. What would your children think about Daddy....Lying to Mommy about where he is...Who he's with?"

He sat in stunned silence. I could see he didn't quite know what to do....So, I proposed a solution.....

"I will not be the other woman. I have a problem with someone trying to have a relationship with two people at the same time. But. I have no problems at all being a very close friend....If you want something, need something....Call. If you need someone at your side.....Call. But don't pretend I'm your girlfriend.....Do not attempt to break my heart....Or I will break you. Do you understand?"

"Completely."

Good, you fool. As he turned to leave, he said that his wife really did have many a trip out of town. And that no one he worked with has ever seen his wife....In person anyway. That she didn't satisfy him anymore.....And that if she ever found out about his many affairs.....She would take him for every dime he had....And then his balls.

I closed the door.....And thought what fun it would be to see that. And then again, let the rat squirm some more.....He deserves it. It's my call when this ends. When he's lived out his usefulness...And I get to be the one to throw him away....

Oh, I bet you're all wondering about that little gift Bobby received this morning.....How did I get it in there.....When.....

It's all about timing.....And several wigs.....

Feeling More Like...Myself

2005-12-20T13:52:00.000-05:00

Here I am, once again....Engaged in a battle of wits...Too bad my opponent isn't as bright as I am. He called today....Wanted arrange something for tomorrow night.....

Now, I wanted to say no. Go home to your wife....But, a little romp can always do one some good. So, we agreed that tomorrow night he would come to my place....We would *enjoy* each other's company. And enjoy his company I always do. Wonder if that wife of his knows how talented he is? Probably not....He probably feels more free when he's with me.

Most pets are the most uninhibited off their leashes.

Let me also say that I don't really have any problems being a friend with benefits.....But I don't want the strings attached. It's just pointless.....

I will find the right time to let Kelly know. And if he actually just wants to be "friends"....That would be alright by me. But no more of this pretending to be a happy couple...Let's not make more of this than what it is. Just be glad to have what you do and leave it at that.

Speaking of have....I been so tied up in this stressful moment....I want to have a little fun...Perhaps tonight....Go out on the hunt.....Acquire a target to inflict myself on....I think I have just the one.....

As a side note....I find myself wondering who was with Bobby last night.....She looked familiar......Hmm, I'm sure in the near future, I'll have it all figured out.

It's Just How Things Are

2005-12-19T22:21:00.000-05:00

I of all the people on this God forsaken planet shouldn't ever complain about being lied to. After all I've said to people....But very rarely do I open myself up to people. Think about it....

How many people can say they KNOW me? One, almost two...And that's it. For good reason. I'm easily misunderstood.

But this. This deception. It's incredible that I couldn't smell it a mile away.

Let me say, that I never intend on being second place. Ever. It will be me, and me alone. I refuse to be "the other woman" or "just a friend".....It's all or nothing.

Now, I didn't trust my first instinct with Kelly. I didn't look up his background....So much is public record in this country. I tried to push way the instinct...But I have to protect myself for anyone or anything that could ruin what I've got right at this moment.

And what I found.....I would never stood this low....

He's married. My perfect man....Who just seems to be what I need. Is married. With three children no less.

He actually doesn't live in the city. He lives in New Jersey. Apparently, he just stays in the city for work....Then goes to his family in Jersey when time allows.....

Oh, so...He lives a separate life here in Manhattan, and then it's back to normal on the weekends and sometime during the week.

I've heard every man needs a woman in his life....But he has a spare. Or one for each life he leads. I guess that just depends on how you look at it.

I called him today and told him there was something that we needed to discuss. He agreed to stop by my apartment after work...Around seven or so.

I waited anxiously for him....Toying with how I was going to let him have it and throw him out of my life. And then it dawned on me, what fun would it be to let him know that I found out the truth....I mean, he doesn't even know the truth about me.....

So, I decided it was time for a little game.

When he arrived, there was a clear look of worry on his face. I think he was certain his cover had be blown. But I quickly shifted the mood....I told him that I wanted to talk to him about my experience with Detective Goren, although I must admit it felt strange to refer to Bobby in that manner....

I told him that Bobby and I had a very odd connection. That we have a hard time letting each other out of our sights. And that we still have strong feelings for each other. All of which, in some way or another, is true.

He said that he understood....That it was hard loving someone else when you aren't supposed to....And that he was willing to still be with me. In our relationship....

I wanted to laugh and punch him in the face all at the same time. Instead I thanked him for being so understanding.....He checked his watch....Said that he had to be in early in the morning.

As I showed him out.....I told him to ask Bobby about me, Nicole...Tomorrow if at all possible....He said that he would.....

I closed the door, and I smiled. I had the upper hand. I felt like I was winning....Winning this battle with this. Pathetic excuse for a liar.

I thought a drink was in order. Well, several drinks....

And as I sat that bar.....Glass turned up.....Who do you think I saw......

Instead of engaging him (I was definitely far too exhausted to play) I left. But I did notice a woman with him....And not that imp that was his date....Wonder who she is....

Oh well, that's for another day......

It's Not That I Don't Trust Him

2005-12-19T14:24:00.000-05:00

I just can't. I really didn't want to....But I looked into Kelly's background....And I'm almost sorry that I did.

.....I can't believe I missed.....I should have known. Too good to be true.....I'm shocked. And it must really be something if I'm shocked.

I'm calling him. Arrange a meeting tonight....This is something I can't let slide......

Just figures.

Deja Vu

2005-12-19T01:42:00.000-05:00

Unsettling nightmares.....His voice haunts every moment....I'm there in that room again.....We're in this conversation....I'm listening to those words all over again.

".....The decent part of Nicole. That's hidden in that bunker you call a heart."

Like I'm incapable of feeling anything at all. That everything about me is darkness. Please, he of all people knew better than that....And I didn't even say one word to change his mind.....

"Remember the last time you sat here...."

Vividly. Every moment in that room seems like a recurring dream. One that never has an ending.....

"You confronted the truth. It hurt."

I try and tell him that I'm ready to confront it again....But it's not going to be easy....But. I can't. My lips won't let the words come out.

"So. You had to shoot the messenger....Is that it?"

I tell him no....That all I wanted him to understand is just how I felt. What he did to me. That no one does that to me and gets away with it.....

"If I could be wrong about Dan Croyden, how could I be right about you?

Of course, I reply. That was the logic behind it. But I see now that I was mistaken. That I should have never done it. And that I was sorry for the embarrassment. And that I wanted forgiveness......

"Well, you blew it Nicole! You're one chance for happiness....."

I haven't. I'm happy now.....

"How long do you think this little game with Kelly will last? How long do you think it will take him to figure out who you really are Nicole?"

Well....That's new.....As long as it can, Bobby. But I'm happy now. I haven't blown anything.

"One chance and you always come back to me. That's the price of denial."

He leans right next to my ear and whispers, "you're left with nothing. Not even me."

Places a kiss on my cheek....Then.....

I wake up. I'm drenched in sweat. Freezing as I sit and type this.....

I need a shower.....And a sleeping pill.......

First Time For Everything

2005-12-18T13:22:00.000-05:00

Just out of your morbid curiosity....I did stay at Kelly's last night. And, for once, nothing happened. We just talked.....He held me while I slept. Comforted me when my nightmares surfaced....Held me close, wiped away my tears, tried to ease what terror was in my heart.

You know, no one has ever done that for me. My whole life. I was always left to figure out my feelings for myself. Even as a child, I had to realize what I feared and find a way to conquer it. I guess that's translated into my adulthood.

I wanted to push him away. Because the feeling was foreign to me. But he wouldn't let me. Just locked his arms in and rocked me, just like you would an infant. To be honest, it actually helped. I was lulled back into dreamland by his voice, telling me it was okay....That it wasn't real....Sleep.

This morning, he asked about it. What was it that haunted my darkest hours....I just told him it was part of a very long story, that wasn't really meant for breakfast. He didn't push, he just left it at that.

He decided to change the subject and asked me what the "N" stood for....My alias' middle name. Oddly enough, no one's every asked that.....So, I just found an easy way out.

"Nicole. That's usually what I go by....Irene. So old fashioned."

He laughed and asked how I thought he felt. His middle name is Antonio. He said it was "way to Italian for it's own good" and Kelly was a better choice. Then he agreed that since no one actually called me by my first name...That he had no choice but to follow suit.

We sat on his couch and ate breakfast. He was telling me all about work. What he was doing.....His co-worked. He told me that Detective Logan broke his own hand in a fit of rage.....When I asked if he personally knew Logan, he said it was more like he heard about him....But that's about it.

And then. He said that name. Goren.

He told me that Bobby got some package and was obviously shaken up. And that no one but the pet and his captain has seen what was in it. Thought it must have been bad. He's never seen him lose his cool. He just wished he could help...."The guy's got a lot on his shoulders."

To which I said, "Detective Goren always has a lot on his mind.....And no time for anyone to waste a second of his time."

Must have been a dead give away. He asked it, "Is that the detective you had a bad experience with?"

"You got it."

"Well, he has to be an idiot to let you out of his reach. Catching you....Best thing to happen in a long time."

.....I hear I'd be quite the catch for someone.

Pain. Something I know well.

2005-12-17T15:15:00.000-05:00

There was something said about my inability to have children. Well, if you must know.....That that you care....As a result of being beaten, amongst other unspeakable acts....It's caused too much damage. I can never have another child. That bastard kills my daughter and then takes away the chance to have another.

How's that for twisted and sick?

I'm sure some think that it was doing a public service. But what about what that actually means to me? Someone took the one thing away from me that I had left....Maybe that was the final straw.

Maybe that's what made me decide that I was nothing more than just an object. To be used. Thrown out with the garbage when you're finished. I'm like a scooter-great ride, but for God's sake don't let anyone see you on it.

I never imagined I could be normal...Whatever normal is. And then, Kelly comes along and makes it seem within reach......

And then, there's the inevitable discovery....He'll some day know how and what I am.....It would take awhile...I'm sure the file on me is enormous. One day, he'll know...It will end, and so will my normal.

I just want it to last as long as it can. Leave me with something pleasant....

It just occurred to me....I never have looked into Kelly's background....Must be some reason why I haven't......I'll make it a point to do that sometime this week....Tell you all about it. Just to prove what a nice person he is.

Speaking of....I have a date.....I'm not sure what he has planned...But I'm bringing extra clothes this time.....

Disturbing Pet Tricks And Other Useful Information

2005-12-16T03:50:00.000-05:00

Let me start with a little definition of jealous...For those of us that are confused...."Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
Inclined to suspect rivalry. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness."

That's not me....At all. But there is part of that definition that does seem to suit me...."Vigilant in guarding something. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic"

That means I fit less than half of the criteria. Which means that I'm not jealous. Merely. Watching out for a loved one. I do hate it so when those we love get hurt. And I've never said anything out and out hurtful to the woman/girl/child he's seeing....Just helping to bring her into reality. That's all.

Sooner or later she will have to realize that it's difficult to love someone who doesn't own all their heart. They've given so much of it to so many....And when it's your turn to take something they so freely give to strangers...Somehow. It doesn't mean so much.....You will suffer with the notion of it all. We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love. I should know.

You will fight.....You will cry....And plead to be the only woman in his life....But that can never be....For various reasons. And it will end, not badly mind you. He would never treat any woman with disrespect...And you'll be glad to have had the time. You'll still be friends with him...But it will be awkward.

And in the back of your mind....You'll wonder..."Is it her? Is he so afraid that she would come after me.....That she would destroy us...."

Well, he said it himself. He is. I think as long as I'm alive.....Oh, I'll even haunt him after death. That's MY power, sweetheart and all I had to do was talk to him....Not wave my femininity in his face. The sound of my voice, that's all it takes.

Just telling you how it is.....The truth. Tit for tat....Welcome to the game. If you don't play by the rules and are a naughty little girl....A spanking...But you won't like it....

Oh, what a segue....Spanking and liking it....Detective...The pet...Eames....And her slave Logan. I must share a little...Well, sort of little detail....

You would think Detective Logan, being that "macho" type would have been taking control of the situation...But the pet....She must play the piano, with the way her hands where moving, like a pro (not that type of pro either)....Impressive what she can do to a person....With just a stroke....

It just amazed me that he followed her so. Did everything she asked of him...No questions. And then it dawned on me, why she and Bobby get along so famously .....She's a mommy...Well, an incubator...But she had a child none the less. He's very protective of mommies....I could understand why.....

Either way. Freud would have a field day....

Well, I really should sleep.....I have an early morning jog with Kelly....He's been hanging around a lot since Wednesday....Perhaps I should say it's amazing what stroking can do for a person....

The Things You Can Learn....

2005-12-15T12:05:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't discussed the evening sooner.....But I'll explain.

First off, let me just say that is it fairly odd to walk the streets of New York in an evening dress. You would have thought that I would be better planned for any evening...But I didn't expect that I would go home with him. And early I might add.....

People do give you strange looks dressed like I was. That plus the tell-tale smile on my face. Guess Italians make better lovers.....

Anyway, this party. You would think the last place I would have wanted to be is in a room full of detectives, but you would have been mistaken. I got to see everyone in their own element....Kind of like going to the zoo.

Kelly was kind enough to point out a former girlfriend...Olivia. Said she was hard to handle. But then, I saw her date.....Wow. I've never been partial to blue eyes, but that one. I can see reflection of recent pain in them. Makes me want to help him make it better.....Kelly said it was her partner. Some girls have all the luck.

We sat down at our table, which was but an arm's length away from....Well, Bobby....His pet....And a few I didn't know.

And I saw Bobby's date....Not unfortunate, but looks young. Maybe it was the lighting. Listening to them chat....I think I developed a cavity over that. But it was worth sitting that close. I got to hear his voice, smell him.....

I was day dreaming with this creepy photographer came by and took a picture of Kelly and I. I almost panicked, but realized that it could be used to my advantage later. Then he would know....

I asked Kelly who the pet....Eames, that's her name.....Whom she was with. He told me Logan. That.....Is The Logan. I should have known....And they certainly looked friendly.

Even though I was trying to keep to myself.....I saw Eames and Logan start to disappear....Everyone else seemed to not notice. Well, I excused myself and followed. At a safe distance of course....

I found out where they were hiding. And well they should have for what they were doing. I wondered if there wasn't some law about lewd acts in public......But I decided to do what I do best....Take control of the situation.

I found that photographer....Told her I had something worth more than a thousand words for her and she gladly followed. When I showed her....She started taking pictures of them....And all of a sudden, she shrieked and took of in tears, leaving her camera behind.

The pet and Logan...Didn't seem to care.

I knew I had to get this evidence to the proper people......So, I took the film out of the camera and calmly walked back to my table. I slipped it into my handbag before any saw. I told Kelly that I thought it was time to go....Plus, getting discovered really would have spoiled what I've got planned.

I only gave into one temptation before I left......While Bobby was intently speaking to his date. I ran my fingers across his shoulders and kept walking. I saw him look around and shrug it off.....Well, at least he knew someone reached out to touch him.

When morning came, I remembered that "good morning" is American for get out. Or at least that was my experience. But Kelly assured me that I was welcome for as long as I like. Instead, I told him that I probably needed to get back to my place....And get normal clothes. He offered to give me a ride.....I politely refused but said it was appreciated. He then insisted that I stop by to have lunch with him today....And early one.....Eleven.

I agreed....Said I would be ready for everything by then.

So, upon arriving home. I took a shower. Got dressed......And then I made a stop at one of the thousand one hour photo places in the city. While I waited, I thought of all the fun that would come from this....And wrote it all down.

Once they were done......I noticed a picture where I was just barely in frame. I thought that was enough show for anyone. I took out the one with Kelly and I in it.....Put the rest in an envelope, along with my regards.....And took a cab to meet Kelly.

At work. Now, mind you....I kept a low profile. I had to wait a few minutes.....So, that was all the time I needed to deliver my package....Hopefully he'll open it sometime this afternoon.....

Kelly finally came over to me and grabbed his things and escorted towards the elevator. But disaster almost struck.....Guess who I almost ran right into?

Would have spoiled my lunch.....

Now What Did I Do With My Glass Slippers......

2005-12-14T10:24:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy morning. But I thought I'd take a minute to update/check in. Not that you care.

Well, I have a BIG date with Kelly this evening. I mean, formal affair...Dress, hair, nails, make-up....Everything. I'm terribly excited about it all. I feel like a teenager. I think the anticipation is the worst part about it all.

Anyways, I was awoken very early this morning. I just had fallen back asleep around seven-ish when there was someone knocking on my door. I thought it was strange....But someone must have let them in. I answered and sitting on my doorstep (of sorts. This is New York) was a lovely bouquet of star gazer lilies...My personal favorite. With this note attached.....

"Here's to gazing at any heavenly body. Anywhere. See you tonight, gorgeous. K."

It was very unexpected.....So, I thought I would call him and say thank you. He answered and said he was on his way to work and wanted to drop those by. Apparently, he saw them and remembered me mentioning that I loved them. I told him that is wasn't necessary....But he begged to differ.

Then he asked if I wanted to drop by to visit him again....For lunch. He even promised that we wouldn't have to hide out in his squad room again. I laughed and said around eleven thirty or so....He laughed and promised he would be around.

We said our see you later's and hung up. And I looked over at those flowers.....And sighed. Like I hadn't let the breath out since I was talking to him. But something....I have this sinking feeling. I can't fight it. Maybe it's just me being paranoid.

Usually when men start being very nice to me is when it starts to go bad......But maybe this time it's different.

Oh well, lots to do.....Have to be ready....I'm not lucky enough to have a fairy god-mother to whip me into shape for the evening......

Wonder What That's Like

2005-12-13T00:44:00.000-05:00

I overhear many a conversation. About people's lives. And there so much I hear that I wish I knew about. But the one thing I wish I knew about was having a sibling.

I know what you're all thinking. Thank the Lord above that there isn't another Wallace running amuck....

But I hear so many people speak of their brothers and sisters. I see so many children squabbling with their brothers and sisters...Just for spite. I'm jealous. I'll never have that. And I wish I knew what that was like.....

Kelly. He has two older brothers and a younger sister. The brothers are actually twins...So that makes Kelly "the middle surprise" as he deemed it. I'm sure he gets so agitated with me asking so many questions about growing up with them....He always sums it up with.....

"I hated it when I was a kid. But as soon as we all grew up, and got out of the house, we learned that we needed each other....That it's not so bad. And that we would always be there. If we needed someone to lean on. That's what family's for."

Gee, that all. One more thing that makes me less "normal." At least for the moment, I have him to lean on. He can be my shelter from the storms in the deep recesses of my mind.....

For as long as that can last.

You Can See It Everywhere

2005-12-11T22:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't graced you all with my presence lately. I had a date last evening. And I didn't want to interrupt my evening to "write in my diary." Not that I didn't want to. But I actually didn't have much access to....Oh well, details. Details.

I received an email....With an interesting passage in it. And I agree that it did sound like I wrote it....If you didn't know better. Here, see for your selves....

"Beneath lies no smugness, no complaisance. Beneath dwell, the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide that, I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind-a nonchalant, sophisticated facade-to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that he knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love"

It's amazing that someone else knows the torture that is my life. It's almost comforting in its own way.

I actually slept most of last evening......Not completely. It's not a night without me waking up in cold sweats, screaming.....Once again, details. Details I don't care to type out.

That's enough for now....I think I need a walk. To clear my head...So much on my mind. The cold air will sober me up......

You Would Need A Crowbar

2005-12-08T20:43:00.000-05:00

A rather interesting point was brought to my attention. How does Kelly not know who I am? After all, I'm almost a regular in their squad room. For awhile there, I was thinking they should give me a desk.

Maybe he doesn't know because he doesn't choose to. And maybe he just hasn't mentioned me to the one person who would know in an instant who I was. And when that little conversation takes place, Kelly and I.....Whatever was potentially possible will all come to an end.

But in all honesty. I don't think many of those detectives have read the book on me. I'm sure it's always in Bobby's possession.

I can picture him. Sitting at home, vodka in one hand....Those files in the other. Rehashing every last detail of the cases. Watching tapes of the interrogations....Hoping that there's something he can learn....For next time. So he can catch me and put me away for good.

But he doesn't find anything. He couldn't. I only let him see what I want him to. Instead, he discovers that he pays more attention to the video of our little chats. His own voice fades and all he can hear is mine. Because, that's what he wants. To be near me again. To hear my voice explain everything.....In a way that only I can.

He finally catches himself and turns it off. But he's always left wondering.....When will she show up again.....Secretly desiring for one more chance to be in my presence....

Well, it is the giving season......

As Deep As A Mud Puddle

2005-12-07T20:26:00.000-05:00

And this title isn't just another one of those American phrases that pops up in everyday life.

As I was getting my nails done today...That's all I could think....I'm shallow. I dress up this package with great details. I make sure that everything about me on the outside is perfect. That everyone will want me.....

And then, they discover what they wanted, or thought they wanted, was baggage. Tons of it. All of it worthless.

So, I wonder. Why is it that Kelly always wants to see me....What is it about me that draws men in?

It's not the gift; it's the packaging. Very appropriate for this time of year. But in all great seriousness, it is. Have you glanced at an attractive package under the tree and secretly hoped it was for? Because it looked the best.....Even if the gift was terrible. At least it looks nice at the time.

That's me alright. An accessory. I'm a handbag that goes with those wonderful shoes.

As I finished up with the nails, I called Kelly. Just to see if he was free for the evening. He said that he had to work late....But I was welcome to come by his office, you know, bring him dinner and all.....Plus, he wanted to show some of the female detectives that he worked his date.....

He told me where to find it....Oh, how I wish I didn't know already. And I admit. I was tempted. I wanted to badly to walk into that building.....Just the thought that I could be seen was almost too good to resist.....

But I politely refused. He said that he would call me tomorrow after work, so we could arrange something. I hung up....And I wanted to kick myself.

Despite what anyone thinks, I'm not seeing Kelly to get to Bobby.....At least not directly....What I mean is...I don't think I am.

Am I?

Dear Diary

2005-12-06T23:52:00.000-05:00

"If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screaming out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to."

Just felt suiting. About this "diary" of sorts.....

I had a diary as a little girl. I put down all the thoughts and feelings that I knew I could never tell anyone else. And I remember how good that felt....Putting it down on paper; experiencing it. About my first love.....About rain...About death. About any old thing at all.

Maybe that's the problem with we adults. We don't write anything down anymore. Perhaps we're just too busy with living life than trying to experience life....Feel life. Maybe we know what love is and we don't think we should write about something we can't or shouldn't have.

It could make us jealous...Depressed. Obsessed. Any of the latter.

But I, for one, am glad to be writing it all down. For the world to see.....Let's me know I'm alive. And it gives me a way to look at myself in a window of time. Let's me see where I've been.

For example, if Kelly and I don't work out....And it goes sour. I have these wonderful words to remind me of what I truly felt. I won't be left with just bitter, cold memories but kind words that held all my emotion at that time.

And then, there's Bobby. Most would say I need to "get over him" or "move on"....I can't. Probably one piece of me will always be a part of him as well. A sensible person would try and forget....Of course, since when have I been sensible?

This diary allows me to write what I know to be the truth about what I think and feel. And a chance for him to maybe read what I don't have the courage to say.

Call it a practice run......

Even God Took A Day Off

2005-12-05T13:35:00.000-05:00

I decided yesterday that I would rest. Do absolutely nothing. Just for one day. See how it would make me feel.

And it felt strange, but wonderful. When I'm tucked away in my apartment. All to myself. I don't have the worries that I normally do when I'm walking down the street. No glancing around, hoping. No disappointment.....Just me. And not much else.

I began thinking about what the coming weeks have to offer. What could happened with Kelly....It's been my experience that any relationship I have goes sour after a few weeks....But part of me would really like this to continue.

And I wondered....Did Bobby know about it? I mean, they do work in the same office. He could overhear him....Or he could talk with him. Assuming of course, they know each other. Which, there is some part of me that hopes they do....I'm not sure why, but I do.

As I was lost in my own thoughts, the sound of the phone jolted me back to reality. It was Kelly. He just wanted me to know that he had a wonderful time and that he would love to do it again. I guess I made a good impression....

I told him that I had a great time, too. And that I would love to go out again as well. He suggested that we go dancing Tuesday night....He knows this great little place. Said it was a little dark, but it added to the mood of it. I said that sounded interesting.

And then he asked if I knew how to tango....Which I do. He said that was perfect and that he would pick me up around 6 or so.

As I hung up the phone, I thought. Of course I know how to tango you silly boy. I've been locked in a metaphorical tango for years now. Constantly switching leads.....But always ending up inches from his face. Longing to press my lips against his....Always denied. Always left empty.

So, I sat on my couch and let my mind conjure up an image of Bobby and I doing the tango....I could see the expressions of everyone watching. And us being oblivious to it. And it just continues on. We don't see the shock and horror of the crowd. We just hear and feel the beating of our hearts. Wondering when we can switch partners.

Instead, we go on. We end up in the same pattern. Constantly moving in circles.

Just waiting for it to end.....

He Called

2005-12-04T01:51:00.000-05:00

I've been waiting to type this one. Separate from the game. Because...This. This isn't about him....Well, maybe a little. But not for the most part.

This afternoon, I was sitting, reading, and then....My phone rang. It was my wonderful officer from last night. He asked if I was free for the evening and would like to join him for dinner, and anything else that would come our way. And he wanted to me to come as soon as possible. I agreed....And wrote down where we were to me.

After I hung up, I began the ritual of making myself ready for a dinner with this gorgeous specimen. Hair, make-up....My nails still looked presentable. The clothes....Not to hard. I decided on a sweater, with a pair of jeans. And these truly fantastic boots. I took close to two hours. (I didn't want to smell odd, long baths. Best before a date)

Anyhow, I left my apartment. And thought that, I needed this with him, Kelly, to work. I don't know why....But I felt like it had too. For once. It would take all the courage I had, but I'd give it a go. To trust a stranger. As I walked down the street, I silently prayed that maybe Bobby would catch a glimpse of me.....

I remember sitting and talking with Kelly. It made me feel, almost normal. Chit-chat, about the weather....And then, silence. He said that he need to tell me something important about his job. That he wasn't just a police officer....But a detective.....

I almost fell out of my chair. I know the color must have drained from my face because he asked if I was okay. I told him that the very mention of that word make me dredge up memories of a detective that I had a painful relationship with. He asked me who it was....I told him I'd rather not say...And then he asked the big one....If I knew where he was assigned?

"Major Case." Those words inspire fear don't they......

"Hey, me too." Oh fantastic. The very thought that Kelly and Bobby could have lunch discussions about me was less than appealing. Why of all places did he have to be assigned there....

Karma. That's why. But I glossed over it, like the pro I am. And started asking him all sorts of questions about what Major Case did....You know, information that I already know.

You should have seen his eyes light up as he talked about his job. He's truly proud of what he is. It was refreshing to see someone that loves their work.

I just couldn't ruin this. I went on chatting with him. He asked me if I liked dancing. Of course, I love it. He said he thought he was destined to find every woman in the city with two left feet. And asked if I would like to go out dancing....Then a little dinner at his place.

What girl could say no to that? So, we spent the evening on this date. It was, surreal for me. I was almost perfectly happy. Except knowing that he thinks my name is Irene. He told me that he did do a background check on me while he was supposed to be working, said that cops can't be too careful when it comes to going out.....I knew he wouldn't find anything.

After dinner....He insisted on escorting me home. We didn't talk the whole way back to my apartment. Instead we walked, arm in arm....Occasional brushes of hands. Fleeting glances. And I rested my head on his shoulder from time to time......Why am I so attracted?

But this time, I let him up to my apartment. Let him in. He surveyed my place and then we said our good byes. With a warm, passionate kiss. If I wasn't holding on to him, I think I would have floated away.

The moment ended. And he went off into the night. Back to his empty bed....Me here alone for the night.

It's just as well....I have some shopping to attend to tomorrow.....

A little Tit for Tat

2005-12-03T11:50:00.000-05:00

I'm game if you are love. So, if you insist......

For the record, I would never hurt any woman close to you. They are not my competition. You see Bobby, we love on a higher level. It's deeper than any other woman in your life. No matter whom you're with, no matter where life can take you with her.....You'll always harbor these feelings, this love...For me.

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.

Once you understand that.....You can own it. And not be a slave to it. A slave to desires. Because we don't need it. Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes with our hands. Sometimes with our bodies.....But always with our hearts. Ours have a little piece of each others.

Besides, if I wanted to "get rid of the competition"....Wouldn't I already have done it? I would have come after your mother. She comes first for you. Always will. God help anyone you bring into your life that doesn't understand that. But even I could never. Ever. Hurt your mother.

And your little pet, Eames.....Would have been next on the list. But why? You aren't attracted to her like that. She's more like a sister. A good friend. A shoulder to cry on....And the one that sets you straight. She is important because she helps you come back to reality.

I would never. Do anything to make you unhappy or hurt, darling. Your well being is very important to me. But, I do admit....I do find myself searching for you.....Subconsciously as well. Sometimes I feel like you'll come around the corner and find some petty crime to arrest me for. And you'll try to put me away for life......Just for one moment of peace.

No worries, Bobby. I know what's "off limits."

Something different

2005-12-03T02:29:00.000-05:00

I guess you never know who you can meet when you go out, actually not looking for anyone.

I decided to stop moping about and go out. By myself. And I intended to stay that way. But there was this very nice, younger man. He kept chatting me up, I couldn't push him away.

Right away, I told him I wasn't interested in going anywhere/doing anything after I was done drowning my sorrows. And he said the most amazing thing...."That's okay. I'm not really interested in that. I just. Well, you're a beautiful woman and alone on a Friday night. No wedding ring, or tan line to suggest you've worn one recently...So you're single. And I have to wonder why that is? It must be some great injustice in the world that would allow for that."

Just the way he did that, reminded me of Bobby.....So I told him, "One word. Baggage, love. Baggage."

But, we talked anyway. For hours. About nothing and everything. And yet, while we talked...My mind would occasionally wonder what Bobby was doing, but this man kept drawing me back to him. The way he laughed over my silly observations of the desperate vultures that call themselves woman, hoping some man will pick them up.....

He has amazing eyes. Tight body. And killer smile. And he's very educated. All the sorts of things I like....Then he dropped it on me. He's a police officer!

GAH! Why....Why of all the people.....I bring it upon myself.....

I quickly made up some excuse about having to feed my sick cat (what is that)....I had to get out of there, fast. But he begged me to give him my name/number. Just to talk sometime. He took my hand....And against my better judgment...I did, just like that.

Oh, and if you think I wrote down my actual name. You know, didn't lie....You'd be wrong. I do admit, I borrowed it. It was an early option for an alias. I even have ID in that name. I didn't think he would buy it. Although, he laughed when he saw it. Said it was a little cliche for an investigator to want to see any woman with that name.

I said that I supposed that was so. Then asked if he still wanted to call....He said he would. Probably in a few days. He offered to walk me home.....That his mother would be disappointed in him if he didn't escort a lady to her door.

....What the hell? It was only a few blocks. And yet, I felt....Safer with him beside me. This man I hardly know....But, I do admit. I like him. He's very sweet, smart....But he's no Bobby....

Anyway, we made it to my door. You know that awkward moment of, I just met you but would it be alright to kiss you....Or just run in and hide.....It was that way. He told me good night and again promised to call. Then he walked away.....

And I just couldn't help myself....I called out to him. He stopped....And when I met with him, I kissed him. And just let me say, wow. I was amazed. Amazed I felt something. Not just a need to conquer, actual emotion. Like I was human.

When I pulled back, we both laughed. It was....Nice. He again said good night....Told me to walk back to my door, so he make sure I made it in okay. So, I did. Trotted back to my building, with a smile trying to creep onto my face.

I couldn't stop that smile. It was involuntary....It just happened. And as soon as I came through my door, I laughed. I don't know why....But that's all I could think of to do. That and tell the world about it. But, I'm not giving up his name just yet.....Don't want to jinx it.

Oh, I bet you're wondering what name I gave him......Fair enough.......

Irene Adler.

Never Thought I'd Play My Game With Others

2005-12-01T21:45:00.000-05:00

Ann...This is for you. I'm willing to answer as best I can.

"Do you believe in God?"

Yes. I'm not bull headed enough to not believe there is a higher power that governs us all. And I believe He has a very cruel sense of humor/irony. But He's God after all....Who's there to tell Him it's not funny without fear of eternal damnation.

"Do you believe your soul can be saved?"

It's possible. I don't think anyone is beyond saving. Well, anyone that can still feel guilt isn't beyond saving. And I'm very familiar with that emotion.

"Do you want it saved?"

Depends. What does that entail.....What road do I have to go down to save it. I think a more appropriate question would have been is it worth saving. Of course, I'm not very sure of that either.

"Do you seek forgiveness?"

We all seek forgiveness. Plus, forgiveness isn't something given lightly. But I think I really have to forgive myself for what happened to my daughter first, before I could seek it elsewhere.

"Do you want to be punished for your crimes?"

Now that's a loaded question. Let's presume for the sake of this question that I am guilty of what-have-you....If so, then it's only fitting that I would be punished for my wrong doing. Surprising that I would say that.
I don't think one should escape punishment. How does that go...."Do the crime, do the time." Be put on trial....Be judged by a jury of your peers.....If you've done nothing wrong, they'll see it. You'll be acquitted. No worries.

"What do you hope for yourself?"

One moment of perfection. Where I'm happy, safe, and loved. And not afraid.

"Why are you seeing a therapist?"

Finally, an easy one. I'm tired. Tired of living with the guilt of not being able to save my precious child. Tired of living in fear of being alone. I thought talking to someone outside of an interrogation could help me understand the fear, guilt, and the anger that has consumed so much of my life.

Maybe I'll even be able to sleep......

"There is no justification in the evil you committed. Is that what you're looking for?"

What you're asking is....Do you feel like in doing these heinous things, you were right?

I've done nothing of the sort. But, if I had.....Justification of what I had done, would only be secondary. Necessity, that's why a person kills. Because they have to.

"When you look in the mirror what do you see? Good or Evil?"

Just depends on the lighting. Good and evil is all in your point of view.

But the one thing I always see: A broken woman. Who always puts up her wall, so no one can get to her. Who will never let anyone come close, because she knows she's disaster. That her darkness will eventually pollute even the purest soul. And she knows, there's not a thing she can do about it.

.....Wish there was something I could ask you Ann. Tit for tat, that's how it works.....

But I can't think of anything. But just know. You owe me.